You are more than the ghost of me

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@jethrogibbs , Karla stood on the edge of the driveway. This wasn't Virginia and it certainly wasn't Arizona. Taking two steps away from the driveway she leaned back against the car. "Karla... you made it this far. I don't want to be intrusive. I'll be right down the road." Daniel was trying; but this was something she had to do on her own. The redhead clutched the door handle. It wasn't like she was coming back from a vacation. What if he had another life? She wouldn't blame him. But that wasn't why she was here. She was here for several other reasons. Jethro deserved the truth, no matter how much it hurt. If she was coming out of witness protection she couldn't just let him keep believing a lie. But Karla had lost a fair bit of the confidence that Shannon had, and the bright bubbly personality over the years. Sure she could smile about things and was overall 'content' as she could with everything that had happened. "Karla. Go" he stated. Finally she nodded and headed up the driveway. It felt awkward to not be just walking in; but that was a far cry from the reality she was in now. So she knocked on the door. Hearing a voice inside she froze. "Dad the door. I have my hands full!" Jess was over and was helping with dishes and her hands were full of soapy water and she was standing on a step stool to put things away.

MADE BY LILAC☆BUNNY OF GANGNAM STYLE

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"Dad the door. I have my hands full!"

Gibbs had been in the other room fixing up a sign he had been making, the new house he’d brought also had a huge basement - he’d purposely aimed to buy a house that had a basement and if you knew the specs of his home for the last 20+ years then you’d also know that the house was vaguely similar in only a few ways, big garden, simple front garden, basement and exactly three bedrooms - it wasn’t like he was trying to replicate his old home but it was what he was used to and he liked it like that, plus with Jess and Jen around he would want to be able to let them stay over if they wanted.

The kitchen and lounge were separated by a large 'doorway' that with 'french doors' could be closed off, but today the doors were wide open - meaning Gibbs and Jess could see each other whilst they worked.

He’d not fully unpacked yet but upstairs one room would be the master bedroom, another a spare room and he wanted to convert the third into some sort of ‘study’ for now he was sleeping downstairs on the couch, and the place was still bare and quiet, but he knew with Jess around that would change eventually. But he’d wasted no time getting his woodworking ‘project room’ set up in the basement and gotten started on a sign he was making for his planned ‘new shop’ he hoped to open soon. It was now early afternoon and he’d spent most of the morning slowly unpacking and being distracted by his basement, it was like some sort of attractive ‘lure’ that was trying to keep him from working, Jess had come hours ago and had been helping him unpack - not that he minded, but he’d asked Jess not to touch anything in ‘his room’ where he’d placed ‘boxes of memories’ (AKA Shannon & Kelly’s things and everything that reminded him of them) He wanted to be alone when he unpacked those.

Hearing Jess he chuckled and shook his head “Yeah I got it!” He called out as he headed for the front door, he caught a glimpse of red through the window at the side of the door but thought nothing of it, distracted as he shot a grin over at Jess as he opened it.

Turning his face to the now open door, to see who it was he froze, eyes widening - every inch of him sagged, his heart felt like it had stopped and his color drained from his face, the door handle Gibbs had his hand on clicked as his hand fell limp to his side - Gibbs neither blinked or moved as he stared at her, on his doorstep - Shannon.

His whole world suddenly crashed around him, the past 20 years thundered at him - every inch of his heart screamed in agony as the band aid over his wound was ripped off and it tore at him.

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@jethrogibbs, This was a bad idea. This was a terrible idea. She couldn't think of a worse idea. The moment she saw Gibbs' face she closed her eyes. She'd never been able to hurt him like this. Shannon was trembling looking for words. Grounded in knowing he was there. Glancing down the street she had to take her eyes away. She couldn't face him. She wasn't ready for this. Jess had finally made her way over to the door seeing her dad's pale face. "I don't know who you are. Or what you said to him, but you should leave now." Jess had her arm around her dad's shoulder and neck from behind as she hugged him. The woman strongly resembled pictures she'd seen of a redhead but Shannon was dead. Maybe this saleswoman had the misfortune of reminding Gibbs of his wife? Either way Jess was being a protective daughter at the moment. Shannon took a few steps backwards. "I'm sorry Jethro. I just thought you deserved the truth" she could tell the red head behind Jethro was probably his daughter. Mainly because well she looked a lot like him. Clearly having his same tenacity. Shannon just took a few more steps back. This was why she didn't want to to do this... she didn't want to... she only made it around the corner of the porch before leaning on the garage door. Tears falling as she glanced down the road again. notes

MADE BY LILAC☆BUNNY OF GANGNAM STYLE

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Images upon images flooded him, threatening to blind him - overwhelming him - he felt like he was drowning again, nothing made sense - Gibbs couldn’t move, nor speak "I don't know who you are. Or what you said to him, but you should leave now." Jess’ voice grounded him, feeling her arm around his neck and feeling her hug him he snapped out of it enough to see the woman take steps backwards, his eyes blurred with tears "I'm sorry Jethro. I just thought you deserved the truth" if the sight of her had ripped him hard enough, her voice had ripped him even harder - tears trickled out of the corners of his eyes, it was one thing to have the memories and the few recordings - but it was another thing entirely to hear her voice again for real, as she disappeared around the corner Gibbs blinked several times before shaking his head, one hand instinctively moving up to take Jess’ hand which was on his shoulder “Wai-” he realised his voice was hoarse, dry he exhaled steadying himself, shaking as he forced his feet to move he stepped forward, seemingly forgetting Jess was right there as he let go of her hand, his feet felt like they were weighed down, his legs felt like lead, but he managed to start walking. Stepping off the porch and rounding the corner he saw she hadn’t gone far, he slowly approached, unsure, almost afraid that if he got any closer or if he touched her she’d disappear “Sh...Sh…” He was trying so hard but his voice was so cracked and shaky he could barely speak let alone say her name aloud.

@shannon ,

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@jethrogibbs, Jess let her dad go. Though not without stepping outside to keep an eye on him. No way!!! She was there but watchful but still letting them have their space. Shannon didn't have words only a nod at the attempt at her name. Though she'd pulled herself into a ball. Feet curled up under her. How did she even breach this whole conversation? "I want out. The marshalls don't know I'm here." She knew he would get the idea, maybe but words were failing her right now. "Gi.." she couldn't say the name either it was like a bitter taste on her tongue. She looked up but her gaze still down the street. She was scared to look into his face, scared it might hurt them both more. 'just a phone call away Karla' No. This was her battle to fight. Just she was falling apart doing that. notes

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As he looked down at her he saw her nod, well at least he had confirmation "I want out. The marshalls don't know I'm here." it hit him, she’d been in Witness Protection? This whole time? Upset wasn’t even the word, he crouched down - now within her current eyeline he tried to get a good look at her properly, he was confused, pained, it showed in his eyes as he fought between his emotions "Gi.." her voice again ripped at him, if this was real and not a dream then he had to find out - but he was too afraid, as she looked up and seemed to be looking down the street Gibbs knew she was too afraid to look right at him, but he was too afraid to reach out and touch her, if neither one of them moved they’d be there all day “But…” he managed to stammer “But I…” he was trying to work out how to even say the full words - he reached into his pocket and pulling out his wallet he opened it and taking something out of a slot he pocketed the wallet and gently held the photo in the palm of his hand, like cradling a memory, he looked back up at her, the pain in his eyes the same as when he first got the news. He was trying to ask without speaking, cause speaking hurt too much - the pain inside him raw, 20+ years and she’d been alive the whole time? He’d seen countless go into WitSec, he knew what was expected but to have it happen to someone he loved with all his heart, without knowing? That hurt a whole lot more, not just him but Shannon too - she didn't look exactly how he remembered her, she looked older but also more tired more... he couldn't quite place it...

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@jethrogibbs, Shannon watched him. She didn't blame him for not having words. "I should have died that day. But I've spent almost 25 years in a life that isn't mine." Taking her locket off her neck it was the same picture she had inside her old one. One of Gibbs and one of Kelly. The one the marshals had taken from her. The locket wasn't the same and she wasn't about to tell them how she got it because she'd broken every rule in the book. That wasn't like Shannon. Shannon always played by the rules. "I'm tired Gibbs. I'm tired of keeping all the lies buried. I want out. I want out" Shannon knew she was risking her life (having no idea the cartel was no longer a threat) but Kelly had already given hers and Gibbs was the one grieving for a lie. "I didn't have a choice and I'm sorry" but sorry didn't seem like enough and she was only releasing what bits she could manage to spit out. Shannon could see she'd hurt him. "I didn't know who else to turn to" she should have just left well enough alone. He'd probably healed to some extent. Shannon glanced in Jess' direction. "She takes after her father you know" she indicated Jess with her head. "Only your kid would tell me off" there was a bit of the old Shannon but it was buried. Jess hurt but not for the reason Gibbs might think. What would Kelly have been like? Would she have been as tenacious as her younger half sister? Shannon looked to him and finally managed to not drop her gaze to the concrete as she studied his face a bit. It had been hardened over the years. Quite the opposite of hers which was like almost reading an open book of heart break. notes

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"I should have died that day. But I've spent almost 25 years in a life that isn't mine." Gibbs watched her quietly, dropping to his knees as his feet gave way underneath him, showing how weak he really was feeling, the photo falling to the ground between them - he didn’t seem to notice though, his eyes still on her "I'm tired Gibbs. I'm tired of keeping all the lies buried. I want out. I want out" Gibbs had to admit, the more she talked the more he knew it was no longer a dream, the more he knew it wasn’t a dream the more the pain and agony roared inside him "I didn't have a choice and I'm sorry" The one thing Gibbs had was that tiny bit of now fragile rationality that allowed him to see the side of the story that others would have let rip for, he knew it wasn’t her fault, WitSec was what it was - to protect someone sometimes you had to rip apart families - and that meant lying to those you loved "I didn't know who else to turn to" Gibbs had been silent, unsure what to even say or do "She takes after her father you know" Gibbs suddenly seemed to realise Jess was there as he looked over at her, his gaze lingered before he heard Shannon again "Only your kid would tell me off" Gibbs looked over at her, his gaze weak and shaky - tears still in his eyes and as she finally looked at him he was close enough to her that he finally summed up the courage to reach up, his hand shaking as he made contact before resting on her cheek and his voice cracked as he finally spoke her name “Shannon” he said softly almost crying, his thumb gently rubbing her cheek.

As he spoke her name, Kelly's voice ripped through his mind 'daddy!' it was one of the last things he'd heard her say 'don't go daddy! No!' it was when he was leaving to go to Desert Storm, she hadn't wanted him to go and it had destroyed him realising now he'd never see her or Shannon again, now Shannon was right here in front of him his heart hurt once more for Kelly.

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@jethrogibbs, Shannon reached out realizing he needed a hug as bad as she did. "Shannon" she heard the name she hadn't heard in years. Not even wanting to bring up the fact that wasn't legally her name anymore. There was no point, he would get that. "I know I know I'm breaking the rules" she tried to cheer him up a little bit. Though really she didn't know the boundaries but a hug couldn't hurt anything. Though as she hugged him she found herself wishing she could do more. Shannon was still shaking. She buried her head. It was hard to lives with lies so many years. It was clear she was still hurting as much as he was, except it was written on his face. Shannon wished she could fix things. Shannon looked over to Jess almost lost at how to help. Jess came over putting a hand on Gibbs' shoulder. "Dad this is Chicago and it's freezing out." Jessica was used to the biting cold of the Chicago weather, but Virginia was nothing like the wind that came with the Chicago cold. "Inside might be a little warmer?" she questioned. "Chicago though?" Shannon was trying to not dwell on anything. There was a lot to talk about; but they didn't need to awkward moment of silence in between. She was finding it hard to be her earlier inquisitive self, she had been so withdrawn. Her voice was the same though, soft spoken and gentle. . "Karla" Shannon turned at the familiar voice. Though Daniel clearly keeping a respectable distance from everyone. He did however bend down and drape her jacket over her. "You left your jacket" he was pointing out the obvious. The redheaded nodded but didn't move from Gibbs' shoulder. Right now she had to explain Daniel... Except he was already figuring out he should explain himself. "Daniel Gaumont. I'm a friend of Karla, Shannon's" he shook his head as he corrected himself. Right Gibbs was going to have no idea who Karla was. notes

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"I know I know I'm breaking the rules" In any other circumstance he would have laughed or smiled or something, but instead - he got a stab in the heart, right - rules - as she hugged him he breathed in her smell, wrapping his arms around her almost too afraid that if he squeezed too tight she would break, or disappear. As she buried her head he did the same, almost crying, his body indicating he was trying to control the tears as her close proximity brought it all the more home, he just barely felt Jess’ hand on his shoulder "Dad this is Chicago and it's freezing out." he suddenly realised they were still sitting on the floor on the driveway outside and the windy cold was now picking up "Inside might be a little warmer?" Gibbs looked up at her and weakly nodded, standing he helped Shannon to her feet "Chicago though?" Gibbs sighed nodding “Yeah, i’ll explain inside” he’d finally found his voice, but it was still shaky and cracked.

"Karla" Gibbs’ ears perked up, turning he rose a brow at the man approaching Shannon and draping a jacket over her shoulders "You left your jacket" the clues didn’t need to be big, it was kinda obvious from the moment she had told him that she’d been in WitSec that maybe another life had befallen her - including someone else - "Daniel Gaumont. I'm a friend of Karla, Shannon's" Gibbs nodded, not questioning - how could he right now? “Come on” he held out a hand to Shannon as he beckoned Daniel and Jess to follow - inside it would probably be a lot more comfortable, at least the couch and armchairs were already there so they weren’t pushed for seating.

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@jethrogibbs, Jess trailed to the side keeping an eye on things. She was a lot like Gibbs in that way. Observing everything and taking in what was going on. Not always saying things, but when she did speak sometime it was the wrong thing to say or just the wrong timing all together. Right now though she was trying her best not to make assumptions. As Shannon was helped to her feet she nodded at him explaining. "Beats the Arizona desert" she replied quietly. No it wasn't exactly Virginia but the weather patterns were similar enough that it didn't make her feel as homesick. Well homesick was really the only way to describe her last 25 years. Daniel like Jess was keeping that protective yet respectable distance in case something were to happen. Shannon suddenly felt like crawling back inside a hole. Daniel seemed to notice and spoke. "Karla it's cold out." He was trying to reason with her. Shannon was trying to focus on anything but everything at once. When they got inside Shannon opted for the floor despite there being enough to sit. Daniel leaned over off the couch so that he could level eyes with her. "Hey, look at me" he made sure to get her eye contact for a second. "You have come this far." He explained. "Daniel.. I..." "Karla we already had that discussion. There is no can't there is only won't" he added. Shannon just nodded as he gently rubbed her back. "I don't know where to start..." she looked over towards Gibbs. She was running away again. Confused as she curled up on the floor burying her head. Daniel gave Gibbs a nod. "I got it Karla. Just.. calm down alright?" he knew it was easier said than done as he rubbed her back. "Just take a few breathes." He then looked back to up Gibbs and gave him a look. "Jethro right? A word?" it was a question, but they needed to talk. notes

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Gibbs didn’t fail to notice Jess and Daniel both stepping off to the side, keeping a distance, watchfully, although part of him - the part of him that kept to himself - hated that there were people around the other part - the rational part - knew this was probably better "Beats the Arizona desert" Gibbs smirked softly, weakly "Karla it's cold out." Gibbs glanced at him, he was missing something and Daniel clearly knew, he refocused his gaze on Shannon.

Entering the house Gibbs led the way to the lounge “Sorry about the mess” he said quietly, what mess? The load of boxes and things piled on the sides? That was nothing! But it was like a small key had been turned inside him that hadn’t been turned in 20+ years and it felt strange to him. As Shannon sat on the floor Gibbs glanced at Jess quietly, moving closer to her slightly.

"Hey, look at me" "You have come this far." "Daniel.. I..." "Karla we already had that discussion. There is no can't there is only won't" "I don't know where to start..." Gibbs had watched the exchange in silence, the Gibbs type of silence that said he was listening but also thinking - as she looked to him he found himself almost crashing inside again - he watched her curl up on the floor "I got it Karla. Just.. calm down alright?" Gibbs heard Daniel speak and didn’t miss the nod he gave him "Just take a few breathes." As he saw Daniel look to him again he caught the nod and straightened up, not missing the look "Jethro right? A word?" Gibbs gave a swift nod and indicated with his head the kitchen “I’ll make something to drink” he offered quietly it was something he planned to do anyway “Stay here” he said gently to Jess, rubbing her arm gently as a form of assurance more for himself than for her before casting a worried glance to Shannon then moving off to the kitchen, at least they had good vantage if anything were to happen while they were in there.

As they entered Gibbs made a start on making drinks but it was clear his mind wasn’t into it, he fought the urge to lash out.

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@jethrogibbs, Once they were inside and Daniel had his ex-wife somewhat settled the two men left the girls were they could both be seen. That room had to feel as awkward as the presence in this one did to Daniel. He saw Jess was watching them more but she had stayed where she was told to stay. Daniel looked towards Gibbs. "I'd ask how you were holding out but you don't seem the touchy feely type." He could tell that Gibbs wasn't taking this well but who would after a decade. "But if I could speak frankly sir on kar- Shannon's behalf?" he was as close in age to Shannon as Gibbs was. "When she first told me about everything.. I was against it. For her peace of mind; but I've learned the hard ways he doesn't take no for answer. My only concern here is her. When I met her she was troubled." Well that was obvious but Gibbs didn't need to know about the bridge. "It's not my place to tell you anything about her, because I think somewhere under all of that is the same woman. She wants to reach out but I don't think she was really ready for all of this." He was stating a lot of obvious things but it was things that he knew Shannon had said and was feeling. Daniel kept checking up on Shannon. Outside of the room he could hear a younger voice talking. Jess got up from where she was sitting on the floor. "Your pictures don't do you any justice. You are too pretty to where that frown." Jess had this funny way of always connecting to people as she wrapped her arms around Shannon. "This isn't easy and it takes a really strong woman to do this. I see why dad loves you so much" she pointed out. Shannon reached out with one arm and put an arm around Jess and hugged her. Shannon could see the wisdom of the young girl was far above her age. Shannon wanted to say something back to Jess but had no idea what to say. Even though Jess had snapped at her earlier, she hadn't realized who the woman was. Jess stood by her dad but Shannon was... she needed a hug and that, that Jess could give her. Shannon caught sight over Jess' navy shirt. She couldnt help but chuckle. "Navy?" she quirked a brow. "Yes, because Dad said no to the Marines. It was our middle ground" she pointed out. Jess was checking up inside on the guys as much as the men were watching the girls out in the other room. Jess just hoped her dad could be civil she'd been told to stay, Jess didn't want to stay. She was needed in both places but her dad was going to get mad, her look into the kitchen expressed her annoyance with the fact she had respect for 'orders'. notes

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"I'd ask how you were holding out but you don't seem the touchy feely type." Gibbs shot him a ‘ya think?’ look but didn’t voice it, he’d gotten four mugs out but hadn’t started making anything yet as he gripped the edge of the counter with his hands "But if I could speak frankly sir on kar- Shannon's behalf?" Again, the ‘Karla’ got to him, he accepted that it was a name change due to WitSec but he couldn’t get use to it yet, he gave a stoic nod "When she first told me about everything.. I was against it. For her peace of mind; but I've learned the hard way she doesn't take no for answer. My only concern here is her. When I met her she was troubled." Gibbs looked towards him, his gaze as penetrating as always, Shannon and no never worked, the memories again flooded him and Gibbs blinked trying to fight against them, he was pretty sure also that there was something else unsaid, something he was trying to hide "It's not my place to tell you anything about her, because I think somewhere under all of that is the same woman. She wants to reach out but I don't think she was really ready for all of this." Gibbs regarded him, everything hurt - his walls that he’d taken years and years to build up had broken down over time but he still ached and hurt over certain things and those things were the ones still walled up, but right now those walls were still crumbling. Normally Gibbs would lash out, say something and get angry, but as he looked over his shoulder at Shannon and Jess all he felt was pain as he listened "Your pictures don't do you any justice. You are too pretty to where that frown." "This isn't easy and it takes a really strong woman to do this. I see why dad loves you so much" "Navy?" "Yes, because Dad said no to the Marines. It was our middle ground" Gibbs’ voice was shaky as he looked back at Daniel “All those years” he murmured quietly shaking his head he looked away and closing his eyes he took a deep shaky breath, what was he going to do? He couldn’t blame her at all, it wasn’t even her fault, he blamed himself - for failing to protect Shannon, for failing to protect - he shuddered as the emotions crashed at him - he was just barely holding on, he didn’t know what to say or do, and everything else was just crashing around him “All those years” he repeated “And she’s back and I don’t even know what to do” his words were shaky, emotional, very un-Gibbs, but he couldn’t bring himself to get angry, not with Shannon and Jess in the other room "I never stopped loving her" he said softly.

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@jethrogibbs, Daniel regarded Gibbs with a concerned expression. The psychologist wasn't going to try and figure out the emotional turmoil. Gibbs he could tell probably needed it but he also knew he wasn't the person for that. "She's never stopped loving you." He gave him a look. "or she wouldn't be there." He knew that because as close as his bond had been with Shannon, he knew that Shannon was in love with someone else. "Sit with her, talk to her. I think this is about as complicated as things are going to get right now." There was a pause. "I don't know much about you. She could never talk about the past; but I do know she trusts you. So I trust you and I don't trust her near anyone." It was saying a lot from someone like Daniel. "She was relocated to Arizona. The last time she was in Chicago..." he sighed. "I don't know much about it but I do know Karla said she was originally from here. I know she only briefly visited here. I don't think it went well based on her arrival in Arizona. She was... Look. I 'll be honest. I talked her off a bridge. I took her under my wing. I fell in love with her, but I came to realize this is where heart is. It always has been and it always will be." he pointed out. "I've let her go, but I won't let her venture out alone." he added. He made it clear he was going to be there for Shannon no matter what. notes

MADE BY LILAC☆BUNNY OF GANGNAM STYLE