You are more than the ghost of me

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"She's never stopped loving you." Gibbs looked across at Daniel, was he really opening up himself to someone who was a stranger to him? "or she wouldn't be there." Gibbs inhaled deeply fighting to contain his emotions from exploding "Sit with her, talk to her. I think this is about as complicated as things are going to get right now." Gibbs gave another ‘ya think?’ look but it was softer than the last one "I don't know much about you. She could never talk about the past; but I do know she trusts you. So I trust you and I don't trust her near anyone." Gibbs narrowed his eyes, he knew what Daniel meant but it got to him a little. "She was relocated to Arizona. The last time she was in Chicago..." Gibbs turned so that his back was now against the counter, he watched Shannon and Jess as he listened to Daniel "I don't know much about it but I do know Karla said she was originally from here. I know she only briefly visited here. I don't think it went well based on her arrival in Arizona. She was…” If Gibbs hadn’t turned around Daniel’s next words would have had him lash out at everything including the counter, out of anger, not at him but at the situation “Look. I 'll be honest. I talked her off a bridge. I took her under my wing. I fell in love with her, but I came to realize this is where heart is. It always has been and it always will be." Gibbs gritted his teeth, his jaw clenching tightly, he was overloading with emotions now, his fists clenched as he crossed his arms - his eyes going out of focus as tears blurred his vision, blurring his veiw of Jess and Shannon "I've let her go, but I won't let her venture out alone." Gibbs lowered his gaze looking to the ground, his heart breaking into a million more peices. She’d been hurting so much and Gibbs had no idea, he hurt all kinds of hurt. Straightening he glanced at Daniel and started walking, he passed Shannon and Jess “I’ll be...right back” he managed to speak as he disappeared upstairs.

It was a few minutes before he returned, in his hands he held a securely wrapped parcel, he stopped beside Shannon and sank down to his knees as he placed the parcel down in front of him and stared at it, then he looked sideways at Shannon holding out his hand towards her.

If anything, the memories they did have - the memories they shared would play a big part in bringing them together, but it hurt a whole lot of hurt.

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@jethrogibbs, Shannon was doing little other than just asking Jess things, taking more interest in Jess than how she was feeling. The numb feeling Shannon was used to that, had been for years. Now it was all rushing back to her. She closed her eyes as Gibbs disappeared upstairs. Daniel came over towards the girls and put a hand on Shannon's shoulder to get her to look at him. Shannon did and he just nodded with an encouraging but gentle squeeze to her shoulder. When Gibbs returned Daniel moved out of the way but could tell they needed some time so he went back into the kitchen. He was listening but only to make sure that Shannon wasn't about to do something stupid, he wasn't really listening to exactly what was being said per say. Shannon glanced at Gibbs. She bit back an apology as she looked towards him. Looking at the box and then him. There was confusion in her face. What was he on about? Shannon remained where she was frozen in her own space and time. It was hard to talk now. What was she supposed to say? notes

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Gibbs hesitated between speaking and just opening the package - he looked up at Jess "Give us a minute" he said softly indicating with his head towards the kitchen, well that would mean she was close by still.

Once he and Shannon were alone he turned over the package slowly and pulling the string it came undone "I-" he started, talking was easy when you were used to it, Gibbs and talk a whole lot didn't go in the same sentence, but that was the current Gibbs, the old Gibbs who Shannon knew was a whole different person now who seemed far far away "I wrote letters, but was gonna mail them to you when things calmed down-" his voice was shaky, uneasy, pained "When I-" he hesitated "When I got the news, they bundled up what they knew was mine and got them sent back with me, as well as this bundle. I've never opened it" he shook his head looking up at her, he couldn't tell her he was severely injured could he? No. Where could he begin? They had so much to cover and how could he even bring himself to talk when he was usually just silent? But he did want to talk to Shannon.

"I never stopped missing you either" he said quietly as he reached out a hand and gently very lightly brushed the side of her face.

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@jethrogibbs, Jess headed into the kitchen with Daniel. Because that wasn't awkward at all. Well she could start cleaning up and like make small talk? There was that. She decided that emptying the dishwasher and putting dishes away was a great start to keeping busy. There were also some boxes still in the kitchen left to unpack. Shannon took the box and she set it aside for the moment. She would read them, just not right this second. But it was a conversation starter some at least. Shannon felt like breaking. There were dear john letters in the military, but this... this had to have been worse. Shannon looked towards him and bit her lip. "I protested. I didn't want to go..." Not only did she not want to go but the whole reason for agreeing in the first place was moot now. "I tried and I failed.. and then there was no taking it back." After Kelly was shot everything unraveled so fast. "I want out. I don't care what the Marshals say, they don't understand" Her hand rested a top of his. Shannon had always been somewhat of an introverted but fun person to be around. Gibbs always managed to be able to get her to talk about anything. She moved to hug him, though she wasn't sure how it would be received so she left it more open ended. Let him find his comfort zone, because if she had her way she would bury inward to him and never let go. Everyone knew that wasn't healthy practice to get into the habit of doing. notes

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Gibbs watched her move the parcel aside then looked right into the eyes of the woman who he had thought was dead for all those years "I protested. I didn't want to go..." Gibbs tried to swallow down the emotions that were threatening to overwhelm again "I tried and I failed.. and then there was no taking it back." Gibbs was quiet for a moment. "I want out. I don't care what the Marshals say, they don't understand" As her hand rested on his he looked down for a moment, as he looked back up he saw Shannon move to hug him, he didn't hesitate, pulling her to him - the pain etched into his features, holding Shannon had been something he'd never imagined happening to him again. "Oh Shannon" he murmured softly "You don't have to go back to Witsec" he said softly, almost inaudible to anyone else but he knew Shannon could hear him. Maybe it was a good thing he'd left Washington DC behind, his own fresh start, and now with Shannon here he wanted her here with him - if she wanted to stay.

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@jethrogibbs, It took her a moment but she looked towards him and tried to figure out where to start. "Where do I even start explaining..." She clearly had a lot on her mind and no way to sort it. She'd caused so much heartbreak already but he deserved the truth. "You deserve the truth. But the truth hurts; it hurts a lot" she lightly warned. She wanted to come clean.. it was hard. She wasn't sure she could forgive herself for what she was about to say. It had taken her years to get a handle on it herself. She picked up his hand and put it on her shoulder rubbing over the spot where she had been shot. "I tried Jethro.. before I realized what was happening I tried to stop it." Shannon looked like she was about to panic. Though she was quiet, it wasn't a spastic panic. "I was afraid. I didn't know what else to do." How could she explain the same day they had lost Kelly was the same day that their son was born. "JJ is twenty five.. going on twenty six. I gave him a better life than I could give him. A safer one." She had felt like she had betrayed him in so many ways that day. She couldn't save Kelly and she'd given up on JJ. It tore her apart on the inside. "I tried protecting all three of you and I failed." She admitted it out loud. Facing him had been about the hardest thing she had ever had to do. She just hugged him tight. She'd never gotten the chance to tell him about JJ. notes

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"Where do I even start explaining..." Gibbs gently held her hand as he watched her, she didn’t have to talk, he was about to speak, to try and reassure her "You deserve the truth. But the truth hurts; it hurts a lot" there was a tone, his eyes squinted slightly, like he was trying to think, process "I tried Jethro.. before I realized what was happening I tried to stop it." a look of confusion crossed his features, his hand still on her free hand "I was afraid. I didn't know what else to do." something caught in his throat, what was she trying to say? Did he even want to hear it? "JJ is twenty five.. going on twenty six. I gave him a better life than I could give him. A safer one." of all things to hear, this was something he’d least expected, a range of emotions crossed his features, screamed through him and tore into him "I tried protecting all three of you and I failed." as she hugged him tight Gibbs was momentarily frozen in place, grief hitting him again like a ten tonne truck “Listen to me” he said softly as he finally found his voice, wrapping his arms around her “Shannon, listen to me. You didn’t do anything wrong” he said softly, the last two decades she'd probably convinced herself she had, but wasn't angry at her, his voice breaking again, cracking under the pressure “You did what you had to do, what you thought was right and I’m never ever going to hold that against you” he shuddered as he fought to contain his emotions “You did not fail. You did not fail” he repeated quietly, softly, his eyes closed as he held his wife close to him. Oh he was confused, so confused, but he couldn’t hold anything against her, no.

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@jethrogibbs, Shannon didn't want Gibbs to be confused. That's what she was trying to avoid. Well that had gone so well. "I don't even know who I am anymore" she felt lost. It was like two people living inside her head. Time had taken its toll on her. The grief had eaten her alive too, she'd not dealt with it the same as he had. She almost envied the fact he could shut down. Turn it all off and retreat. She'd never been able to do that in her life. It all spilled out, and she couldn't stop it. Feeling his arms around her, she just hugged him listening to him. She'd always trusted him, she just started nodding. Did she admit she wanted to die alongside their daughter. No, No she wouldn't. "I shouldn't have let them lie to you." That was as close to an apology as she could get without apologizing right now. "So many decisions I should have made, could have made that I didn't." She just hugged him close. This was home to her, but it felt such a strange place to be. Her hands rubbed down his back. His emotions were running high, she knew it. Shannon knew he was trying to hide things. "I'm staying in Chicago. I'm done with Arizona" she admitted. Kissing the side of his face she laid her head on his shoulder. She knew they had a long way to go, Shannon wasn't going to push anything. She reached into her jacket pocket and handed him her hotel information, just so he would have it. She was exhausted and wanted to sleep, every part of her wanted too just fall asleep. She closed her eyes on his shoulder and shut the rest of everything else out. notes

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"I don't even know who I am anymore" Gibbs looked down at her quietly, it wasn’t her fault, he couldn’t blame her for being completely lost, he knew what it did to people  "I shouldn't have let them lie to you." gently Gibbs rubbed her back kissing the top of her head, as he did so once more memories crashed through his mind and he fought to restrain his emotions "So many decisions I should have made, could have made that I didn't." “Hey, stop” he said gently, quietly, interrupting her “You’re safe now” he added. If there was one thing he hated the most it was that he’d been unable to protect her or his child, well children - he’d been on tour and powerless… he’d taken his revenge but it hadn’t healed the pain within him… he knew though that for her it was probably harder. That’s why he wanted to stay strong, for the both of them at this point. "I'm staying in Chicago. I'm done with Arizona" As she laid against him and handed him the hotel address Gibbs stared down at it for a moment torn between two minds, one part screamed at him that it was too soon but the other part, the rational part that was quickly overtaking the other screamed at him to take care of her, not to let her go “Shannon” he said softly, her name still stinging in his heart “The spare room upstairs, it’s not great but - you don’t got to go back to the hotel” like he really was gonna allow her to go be alone, he wasn’t even sure that Daniel was staying with her or if she’d booked a single bed room, either way he didn’t want her having to do that “Stay here, with me” he offered gently as he held her close.

His mind drifted to the things upstairs in his room, unpacked - it was even more painful to do now that Shannon was here, the wounds as raw as they were two decades ago.

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End Thread, Shannon could tell that this wasn't easy for Jethro either. It was probably time to shut up now. As if on cue Gibbs told her to put a stop to it. So her mouth stopped moving but her mind was going in ten million places all at once. It wasn't until she heard her name that she looked back up towards him. Her own name and it sounded so foreign to her; but then again so did Karla. He mentioned the spare bedroom and she nodded. There wasn't an argument to be had about it. Though his grammar... she quirked a brow. "Don't got to go? Jethro that's not even English" she teased lightly though a small smile played at her face. Though it was soon followed by a small yawn. Exhaustion was setting in, but she was safe. Shannon was where she belonged and the weight of the emotions from everything had drained her and soon she felt the weight of the inside of her eyelids. They had a lot to figure out still but she was too emotional to sort through things. Her arms relaxed around his shoulder and soon she was drapped over him asleep. Daniel set his number down on the table quietly and pointed to the door nodding at Gibbs. It was his work card with the new Chicago number on it. He was outing himself as a psychologist but also knew that Gibbs would want to know where to have Shannon turn if things got to certain points. As he disappeared, Jess carefully climbed on the couch on Gibbs' other side. Her laying on his other shoulder so she could whisper in his ear without disturbing Shannon. It was something in Russian about always being there if he needed to talk. Though she soon too was rubbing her eyes with the back of her thumb, though she laid awake on her dad's shoulder. notes

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