Not What It Looks Like (Erin)

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Jay leaned over, grabbed his set of handcuffs as well as the key to the cuffs and then slipped them on.  Not risking waking up with my revolver in my hands again, he thought to himself.  That had scared the crap out of him.  And he didn't want to go through that again.  So handcuffing himself to the bed it was. 

He placed his hand in the cuff and slipped the metal through one of the holes in the headboard and put them together.  He then grabbed the key and turned the lock, nodding in satisfaction when he heard the click.  This was good.  He wouldn't do anything stupid.  He leaned back and closed his eyes.  When he heard someone knocking, his eyes fluttered open.
"Key's under the mat!" he called.

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E rin heard a voice from inside. She raised a brow. Well normally he came to the door so what gave? She got the key from under the mat and came in. This only further solidified that something was rubbing her the wrong way. Closing and locking the door behind her she walked through the apartment, turning on lights so she wouldn't trip. "Jay" she called lightly. She sounded confused. Coming into the bedroom after not finding him anywhere she could see Jay in the dim light of the other room. He was handcuffed to the bed. Something wasn't right. "Someone handcuffs you to the bed and you casually tell me the key is under the mat? Are you on something?" She stated from the doorway as she waited for a response. @jayhalstead

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Jay's eyes flickered when he heard Erin's voice calling his name, her confusion evident. Well, she was just about to get a lot more confused. Couldn't be helped though. All he wanted was sleep. Why is she here so late? he wondered. It didn't make sense.
"Hey, I didn't forget a date or something, did I?" he queried. He hoped not, but given the way his sleep had been so erratic lately, he wouldn't be surprised if he had. Hopefully, she wasn't too pissed at him.

At her question of whether or not he was on something for just saying that the key was under the mat after someone had handcuffed him to the bed, he shook his head.
"I'm not on anything and I handcuffed myself," he corrected. Oh this is going to be fun to explain, he sarcastically thought to himself. Then again, did he really owe her an explanation? After all, it wasn't like he was hurting someone. No, the whole point of him handcuffing himself was so that he wouldn't hurt someone, especially himself. And unfortunately, the only way to do that was to cuff himself to the bed.

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" I didn't forget a date or something did I?" She couldn't help but laugh. "Wouldn't that mean you'd have to ask me first?" she teased. They both knew there was something between them, just nothing they would admit because well... if Voight found out then.. yeah it was just better to not go there. A literal response to a figurative question. Well clearly that had miscommunicated. She just bit back the urge to make some remark. Erin was managing until he said he handcuffed himself. Then the dam on her river of comments broke. "You did this because... you were curious?... or you didn't think about the consequences of losing they key?" She just chuckled. "I can see that one now. Sorry Voight, Jay can't come in today because he lost the key to the handcuffs that he used to handcuff himself to the bed with, so i just left him there" she was clearly teasing as she sat by the edge of the bed. Erin knew something was up. Telling him to talk. Ha. Maybe if she used humour he would just try and set the record straight in her head? That seemed to be a logical series of events in her head. Though with Jay... there was no telling. @jayhalstead

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Jay smiled as Erin pointed out that he would have to ask her out first.
"True," he agreed. But hey, why else would she be here? It didn't make sense. He hadn't done anything to cause her to worry about him that would account for her being here. But she was here, and he had to figure out why. Not that he faulted her for being worried. In fact, he was rather grateful that she cared that much about him.

His eyes flickered as she asked if he had done it because he was curious or if he hadn't thought about what would happen if he lost the key to the cuffs, saying that she could just see the situation, teasing him by acting like she was telling Voight why he wasn't at work, earning a chuckle.
"No," he responded. "I've been having some dreams that proved to be a bit more intense than I originally thought. This is safer," he responded. Okay, so it wasn't the whole truth, but the last thing he wanted to do was scare her or make her think that he could hurt her. He would never let that happen. And he was taking preventative measures.

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E rin wasn’t allowed to check on him for acting strange at work? This was her partner, and probably more but that was complicated. She came and sat down on the bed beside him for a moment and ran a hand through his hair. “Except now I can play with your hair and you can’t do anything about it” she added with another smirk. Though she noticed his change in demeanor when he wasn’t teasing back. Then again he wasn’t as big of a tease as she was. Giving him a look she only brought herself to a shake of the head. “Jay…” her voice was a small sigh as she kissed the side of his face. “Talk to me” she spoke with three words that she knew he probably didn’t want to hear from her right now. Something WAS going on and she was going to find out. She climbed into the bed beside him and laid her head on his chest. Erin was worried about him and she wondered just how bad things had gotten. @jayhalstead

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When she said that she could now play with his hair and that he couldn't do anything about it, he managed a small smile, though he wasn't really up for their banter.
"Hey, what've I told you about the hair?" he shot back, trying to sound normal. He had a feeling that he had failed, though. He wasn't very good at deflecting with her, probably because she made him feel like he could tell her anything. Truth be told, he kind of liked that feeling.

He then fell silent as she kissed the side of the face and told him to talk to her as she laid next to him.
"When I was a kid, when I was under a lot of stress---like, an abnormal amount---I had a habit of sleepwalking. With everything that was going on recently, I made sure that I couldn't get out of the house. You know, just to be on the safe side," he responded. "I, uh..." he trailed off and then sighed. "I woke up the other morning with my revolver in my hands. Scared the crap out of me," he admitted. "And I...I didn't want to risk something worse happening, so..." he trailed off, biting his lip.

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E rin could tell that he wasn’t really feeling like himself. She brushed back his hair softly not retorting back. There was just a soft look in her eyes. It was deeper than the concerned partner. They were more than partners and they danced that line at work, every day. She was genuinely concerned and cared. It was obvious as her strokes through his hair were kept light and gentle; and a little less playful than usual. Listening to him talk she reached over on the nightstand, checking in the drawer for his revolver. She then picked up the key and unlocked the handcuffs. Maybe he hadn’t thought about unlocking himself in the morning? She then reconnected one around her wrist and the other against his as she laid beside him. “That’s why you have back-up” she replied quietly. Her free hand was around his side as she curled up to him. “You should talk to Brittany” she offered it as a suggestion. He was free to decline the suggestion but she was no professional when it came to this stuff. All she could do was stand by him and support his decisions. Which is exactly what she was going to do. @jayhalstead

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Jay was silent as Erin brushed his hair back, her fingers soothing on his scalp. Had he scared her away with his confession? It didn't seem like it but what if she was just trying to figure out a way to tell him that she was freaked? When she uncuffed him, his eyes widened. What was she doing? What was she doing? She knew why he needed to be cuffed! His breath then caught as she cuffed them together, reminding him that he had back up as she curled up next to him.
"What if I have a dream and I hurt you?" he asked. I'd never forgive myself if that happened, he thought to himself. And he wouldn't. Not that he'd have time to brood about it as Voight would probably bury him six feet under if he thought he was mistreating Erin.

When she suggested talking to Brittany, he bit his lip.
"What if..." he trailed off. What if this is the PTSD getting worse? What if I'm no longer fit for duty? he worried. He wasn't sure if he could take that. Being part of this unit had helped to ground him and he didn't want to lose that. But Erin was right, he probably should talk to someone, so why not Brittany? Surely she'd be able to help.

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E rin heard Jay fearful of hurting her. “I’m a big girl Jay. I’m all grown up now” she whispered as she turned her head to face him. “And I know how to calm you down” well it was true for the most part she knew exactly how to calm him down. Rubbing her free hand over his lips she felt him move to bit his lip and she moved her finger just in time. Not that she would have cared but she knew he wasn’t exactly going for nibbling on fingers. She could tell that he was thinking over something. “Jay you can spend your whole life saying what if… but we both know you can’t keep burying something that could get worse. Let her help before things get out of hand. If you won’t talk to her, then at least talk to me?” Okay if she gave him that option, she couldn’t really help but she could listen and maybe it would help some. Then again he needed real help, but she needed him to see that too. Right now she would take just a conversation between them. She tucked his handcuffed arm around her and got comfortable. @jayhalstead

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Jay smiled a bit as Erin told him that she was a big girl who was all grown up and that she knew how to calm him down.
"This is true," he smiled. She had always been good at keeping him sane. In a lot of ways, she had helped him just as much as Mouse had. Maybe more so.

His eyes then flickered as she went on to say that he could spend his whole life saying "What if" but that he couldn't keep burying something that could get worse and to talk to Brittany or her before things got out of hand.
"What if it turns out that I'm no longer fit for duty? What then? I mean...this unit saved my life," he confessed. He had found a family here. If he lost that...

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E rin had her free hand on the side of Jay’s neck as she spoke with her back cuffled up against his chest. She wished there was more that she could do. She listened as he started to opening up. “Brittany wouldn’t do that to you and neither would Voight. You know both of them would have your back Jay.” She played with his hair while she could. There was a small smile in his direction. She felt for him because she knew what it meant. Erin nibbled lightly on his lips. “You worry too much” she might be a little hypocritical in that statement. “We’ve got your back babe and that’s a promise” she rolled up against him. There were not enough pillows on the bed but she had Jay and that totally made up for lack of a pillow. She held his arm around her mid-section and tucked herself close to him. @jayhalstead

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Jay listened as Erin assured him that Brittany and Sergeant Voight wouldn't declare him unfit for duty and that they'd have his back.
"But if I'm a truly a danger to everyone..." he trailed off. He didn't like thinking that way, but he knew it was possible. Like he had told her, he had already woken up with his revolver in his hands once. Don't want to put everyone in danger, he thought to himself. And that's what would happen. He didn't want any of his teammates to be in danger. Maybe it would be better to relieve him of duty. He'd hate it of course, but if it kept Erin and the others safe, he'd deal with it.

As if she knew what he was thinking, she leaned over and started nibbling on his lips, telling him that he worried too much and promising that they all had his back.
"Maybe I should turn in my badge. Just until the sleepwalking stops," he responded, moaning a bit at her actions. When she cuddled up to him, he went to pull her close. "Sorry there's not enough pillows. I'm still looking for the perfect ones," he told her. He wanted her to have the best, okay?

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E rin shook her head as she looked over her shoulder. Their cuffed hands were at her waist. She just reached up and kissed under his chin. “You’re dangerous…” she paused a moment. “... in bed with me” she teased. She wanted him to know she was listening but she also wanted him to know she was beside him in everything. Cue him talking about resigning. “Jay” she turned around as best should could at the neck and waist. “Jayson Halstead. You listen to me right this instance” she got firm with him, yet her eyes remained soft. “If you need to take some time, then take some time, but read my lips. DON’T YOU DARE RESIGN” This was her partner, this was the man she was in love with. She would do what was best for him but she was not going to let him walk away from the unit. Cue comment about the pillow. “I have the best pillow in the house. His name is Jay and he’s a goofball” she informed him with a smile. @jayhalstead

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Jay couldn't help the chuckle that escaped as she said that he was dangerous in bed with her.
"I'm serious. I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I hurt you," he told her. And he wouldn't be. He'd rather die than hurt her. Didn't she realize how important she was to him? Hopefully, she did. She meant more to him than life itself and he'd do everything in his power to make sure that he didn't hurt her and would protect her from anything and anyone, including himself. Especially himself.

And apparently, she wasn't happy with the idea of him resigning, using his full name and telling him not to even think about resigning, saying that he should take some time off if he needed to.
"Babe, I've got PTSD, I'll readily admit it, and I thought I had it under control. But obviously I was wrong. I can't have your back if I'm having night terrors that end up with me holding a weapon in my hands while I'm asleep. What if I attack you one night because I'm having a dream about fighting off a terrorist or insurgent?" he pointed out. If that ever happened, he'd never forgive himself. And with the way things were going, it was a very possible scenario.

He smiled as she replied that he was the best pillow and that he was a goofball.
"Yeah but I'm your goofball," he responded. And he liked the thought that he was hers. What could he say? He was weird. "There is one other thing we could try. Brittany suggested it," he said hesitantly. "A psychiatric dog. It's like an alert dog only for when you're having nightmares or sleepwalking," he continued. "She thinks it might help." Truth be told, he wasn't exactly sold on it. Wasn't this admitting that he was unfit for duty? And if so, what would happen if Voight found about it and that Erin hadn't reported it?