No turning back now

[Deleted]

He had forgotten how long he had been standing outside of the cafe, looking at it with an overwhelming amount of anticipation and little idea of what he should do. He could have gotten in, gotten a table so he could wait inside, but he had done none of it, absolutely frozen in apprehension on the doorstep of the establishment. It was hard to think of anything else but the many ways this could go wrong, the ways that he could make it go wrong. He always did, it seemed. Even at the hospital, a few days ago, he hadn't done much to make it any kind of right. In his haze, he couldn't have done much at all, but to know that he couldn't have told Sofia anything then made him anxious that he wouldn't be able to do it even now. He was terrified to take the step and tell her everything. He had never had to tell anyone, had never wanted to anyway, but now, now he had no other option...

Running was out of the question, had been ever since the hospital, but it was hard to keep his feet still and not darting in the opposite direction. He could barely keep his hands from moving. Straightening his sweater, rearranging his hair, playing with his dog tags before hiding them underneath his clothes. All of it in order and over and over again as he paced the store front. It wouldn't do much, he still looked somewhat awful. Bruises to the face were hard to hide, his tired eyes betrayed his recent lack of sleep and his hands, he couldn't stop them from shaking. The alcohol withdrawal did that to them, but added to the stress he was feeling, had been feeling all the time for the last few days, it simply was uncontrollable.

Oh what would she think of him? She had seen him in an hospital bed a few days before, and he could swear he looked relatively the same right now. The difference, he had remembered a lot of things. Namely, why he had come back to Chicago. He had come chasing after something he had wanted to avoid for years, he had made the trip to see his sister again, although at the time he wasn't sure she still resided in the city. Decisions made in a drunken state never really played out in the ways that one would expect, after all, especially his decisions... But still, here he was, terrified, walking in circles in front of a cafe, waiting for his sister to appear. Never in his life had he been this stressed. It felt terrible.

Dr Sofia Austin

[Dr Sofia Austin]

A few days ago she never would have thought she would be this nervous. She had stood in front of the mirror at home trying on clothes, what to wear for a simple meeting at a cafe and she was spending more time thinking about that one meeting than anything else in her life. Did jeans say she was too casual as if she hardly cared, trousers too formal as if it was a business transaction? The choices were endless and so was the mess she was making as she raked through her wardrobe trying find something. In the end she settled for jeans and a shirt deciding that it was somewhere between casual and formal.

She brought her jacket too, a black mid length coat but even as she parked up and made her way to the cafe she wondered if he would be there. What if he had changed his mind about meeting her? If it was too much or he simply had never expected to meet her in the first place. Chicago was a big city and what if it was all just chance and he had decided to run again. To disappear and she would be left to wonder with more questions than answers available to her.

There were so many if’s and she found her feet walking the other way for a brief moment. She caught herself as she turned back around and tried to focus, he would be there. He had to be there she told herself not wanting to be that fifteen year old girl all over again watching as her life was torn in two. Sofia rounded the corner and stared into the window of the cafe, she could hardly make out the faces but his was not at any of the tables. She could feel herself start to panic until she saw him outside the cafe walking in circles.

Is this what she had done to him she thought debating on what was best to do before she approached him. “Isaac?” She asked tentatively, she knew it was him though his bruises to his face could not be hidden or the tired eyes she saw. She was a little embarrassed after crying her eyes out at the hospital in front of him; it had hardly been her finest hour and the meetings she had imagined in her head. No they had never involved her completely losing it in front of him. She smiled trying to figure out what to say exactly. “Do you want to go inside and get a table?” She asked not sure if he was waiting outside for a reason or if he was about to bolt and run.

@isaac,

[Deleted]

The circles were starting to make him dizzy, he was walking a little fast, but he couldn't stop his feet. Same went for his hands, that even if tucked into the pockets of his coat he could feel shaking against his sides. He could have done something about that, but in consideration of the situation, he wasn't sure it was right to do so. What would it have looked like had he shown up... drunk so early in the morning? Drunk to meet his sister for the first time in years? Although, he had been drunk when he had been brought to the hospital, had been drunk for most of the night before that... Still, she did not know that, and it wasn't something he wanted her to know, so shaking hands would have to stay. If only it was just that. He could feel the beginning of a headache at the back of his skull. Maybe just a glass would have been fine... No, it wouldn't have been.

No, he had been drunk in the hospital because he hadn't expected to meet her, but now, it was different. Maybe it would have helped with the stress, it usually did, in some way, but it was wrong to use it that way, had always been. Oh this was just a huge mess. He could still feel his feet ready to turn and run in the opposite direction, his mind at work on the poorest excuse he could tell her if he did run. He couldn't even think of what he would tell her when she would finally be there. Sorry I came, you deserve better had some ring to it, but he couldn't say that... Slowly he stopped his pacing, coming to a halt in front of the cafe's window. He had to stay, stop running for once in his life, but he had no idea if he was strong enough to do it.

He heard her voice, and for a moment he held his breath. He definitely wasn't prepared for this, but he was fairly certain he would never have been. Was she as nervous as he was? Maybe not, she was the one that had all rights to ask him questions after all... For a second he stood there, shifting from feet to feet, looking at her and searching for something to say. She spoke before he could think of anything, and he was grateful for it. "Probably better than standing outside." He smiled weakly, looking at his feet. Pairing his own awkwardness with bad jokes sure wasn't going to make this any less awkward than it already was. Oh that just worsened the headache. With shaking hands he reached out for the door of the cafe, opening it and stepping aside. "After you." He looked at the floor for a bit, before looking up at her. He really had no idea of how this would go, and he was terrified. Still, he tried not too let it show, but wasn't entirely successful.

[Dr Sofia Austin]

Sofia was hardly an overly nervous person but this day, this day she felt ill with nerves. How would he think of her now, now that he was sober with no hospital and day light. Did he even want to know her or see her or was this just an ‘I’ll be back later’ and gone just as before. The one thing she had held onto for the past few days was he was alive, alive when she had wondered so many things about him. It had been a comforting thought at first before the years worth of feelings and emotions began to come back to her.

The worry and fear when all it would have taken was a letter to say he never wanted to see her again or he was safe. Could she really be angry with him when she never followed him, she never took those steps to serve her country like he did. No she had stayed home insistent on the idea that he would come back despite her father telling her everything to the contrary of that. Day after day listening to him tell her there was no truth in it, she was chasing a dream and that everyone left them for a reason.

She had gone to meet him and her heart was practically on her sleeve again as she tried her best to hide it. Sofia watched him shift from foot to foot, did he want to get away that much she thought not sure if he was going to leave or she was going to lose it again. “Yeah a little better than that.” She replied chuckling though it was a little nervous at first, she could see his shaking hands when he reached for the door though her mind leapt to every single conclusion but her heart told her to wait and hold off on the thousand questions.

Alcohol had done a lot to her family and she knew when he arrived at the hospital he had been drinking but she had never known how bad. “Thank you.” She said smiling as she stepped into the cafe seeing a few empty tables. She was with her brother in a cafe, he was within reaching distance and she almost had to pinch herself to think it was true. It was excited nervous fear, a strange emotion to feel when she had no idea about a brother she had known. No clue what had gone on and happened to him but she wanted to ask him though it was how he might take the questions she had.

She was frightened it might pushing him away but she wanted to know, to know what or who had him so scared in the hospital. What had been going on with him and above all to help him as much as she could do. Sofia glanced to Isaac for a moment, “Where do you want to sit?” She asked wanting him to be comfortable, she realised that she hardly knew if he wanted a window seat, the back of the cafe, a quiet corner and stung at her. Her own brother and she could tell more about her best friend than her own brother. She tried to cover her face with a smile though she was unsure how much he had seen of her slightly worried look over where to sit.

[Deleted]

Feeling ill with withdrawal was already hard, but adding his restless nerves to it did not make him feel any better, but he had only himself to blame. He had brought about this situation, were it not of him, none of this would be happening. That was a realisation that only worsened his headache the more he thought about it, and it was all he could do. Not only had he done this to himself, but he had done it to his sister, leaving and then crashing back into her life years and years later. He did not remember her to have shown any anger towards him back at the hospital a few days before, but now, he wouldn't be surprised if she did. That was another thing always floating around in his mind, playing with his nerves and headache. Now that he was not in the hospital anymore, that he was here, that she knew he was, well, as alright as he could be, it was possible her worries had changed into anger. He wouldn't blame her...

Running was tempting, his feet were itching, but it wasn't right. Hadn't been the first time, certainly wouldn't be now, so he kept shifting from one foot to the other, looking for something to contain his stress, contain his fear. He couldn't have contained his bad, nervous joke, which made him want to hide from how bad it was, which is why he was surprised to find his sister laughing at it. A nervous laugh, still, but a laugh. She was nervous too, oh that didn't help his own stress. It would be so easy to make it go wrong... His hand had barely caught the handle as he had reached out for the door, and he knew Sofia had seen it shaking, so quickly he had hidden it away. Just like before he felt it shaking against his side, even if tucked away in his pocket. Please make it that she doesn't ask... she doesn't need to know... Although he knew she might, only, he had no idea if he would be brave enough to answer her...

Thank you. He hadn't heard that in a long time, and to hear it from his sister, it felt... both nice and weird. Such a simple, benign thing, yet so much. As she stepped in the cafe he followed behind her, a feet away. He had no idea of how he should act. Standing so close probably wasn't a good idea, so he elected to keep his distance. Maybe it was better this way, he did not want to hurt her, again. "I... don't know." He had seen her looking his way, but hadn't expected the question, hadn't thought that far ahead, in his haze and nervousness. So he blinked, at her, at the floor, before he finally looked up at the room, looking for a place. "The back?" As he said it he realised she might not be too into the idea, maybe she preferred a window, or something else, so his answer turned into a question. He had never really stopped to sat down at a cafe before, always going in and going out immediately, so he had no idea of where he should sit. She probably had more of an idea, then, he wondered how often she went out, for lunch of just a coffee with friends... Still, he wanted her to be at ease, he would sit anywhere she wanted to.

[Dr Sofia Austin]

Sofia was still struggling in what she should feel, it was hardly a situation she was used to or had been in before. Her mind had dreamed things up over the years, the same situation meeting for dinner or a coffee and how that might go. It was all smile and just glad to see each other with a healthy dose of happily ever after yet as she stood there she was still find out about what was going on. The hospital had been a shock to her system, even now she felt foolish for crying and did she even have the right to yell at him for leaving her when she was a fully grown adult. Did that just become holding a grudge for too many years than she cared for.

She was still worried about him, about what was going on and she wanted to know the details. Details about him, his life, what could have possibly been worse and above all what was going with him that had landed him in the hospital in the first place. She had tried to write all her questions down on pieces of paper but she had given up when it reached third piece. Would he even tell her? What right did she have now to know about his life at all, is was hardly as if she had the right given she knew little about him. The Isaac that had left that day she knew well but this Isaac, it was likely he was an entirely different person all together and that was scary. What if he walked away again and now she knew he was alive, would she be able to let it happen all over again?

Sofia was a doctor, annoying or not she noticed things like shaking hands it was a simple leap of her mind to tag onto that one action all the things that could cause it. How did you even ask a person about something like that? Just straight off the bat or what possible lead in could there be to that question she wondered though she would ask it directly all the same. The one thing she knew how to do was question people though outside a hospital that became a little more awkward given she knew what she had seen but she was hardly going to accuse him of anything.

She still felt like she had butterflies as she stood there, she had never been this nervous since the day she managed to get her results through from her exams and now it was hardly just failing the last few years. This was the difference between getting to know the brother she had lost a long time ago. Sofia saw that he was keeping his distance though she had no idea why, her head was telling her he was going to run but she found her heart telling her that he would stay as she listened to him. “The back it is.” She said smiling trying not to appear so nervous as she walked to the back of the cafe and found an available table for the two of them.

Sofia pulled out a chair for him as she took a seat opposite him, her fingers thumbed over the strap on her bag not really sure what to say to him or where to start any of it. It was as if her mind had gone completely blank as she grabbed one of the two menus and tried to bury her eyes in it to keep from looking as if she had just forgotten what she was doing. “What would you like?” She asked him as she peered over the top of it. The question was the moment she came to the understanding that she had no idea what he drank or even what he liked to eat at all. “It’s on me so order anything you like.” She said curious as to what he would order as inch by inch she lowered the menu in front of her face as if she was unsure about what to say or do next. “I don’t know what you eat or drink.” She stated as if it was entirely normal conversation though she could hardly deny she realised it was like getting to know someone from the beginning again.

[Deleted]

He had tried, in the past, not to think of that moment, the moment where he would find his sister again. He thought of her, thought of his letters, what he had said to her in them, but this, in fear of creating hopes for himself that he knew were only naive and selfish, he hadn't allowed himself to imagine. Which was in part why he had no idea of what he should do, or how he should act, having anticipated absolutely nothing. Maybe it was better this way, he would never be as genuine as he was now, but it was also an opened door for more awkwardness to settle in. Nothing was good in that. He was enough already, waiting for the questions he knew were coming, knew he would have to answer. She had the right to know, the right to ask. How could she not, for if she did not know anything about him it was because of him, because he left her? He couldn't pretend he had the right to forbid her to do so, forbid her the heavier subjects. They all were, he felt, but that was not a true fact.

He watched her as she moved, stopped before he could interject. He had wanted to tell her he was fine with sitting wherever she preferred, but he hadn't had time and now he could only stand there and watch her go. He did not follow right away, uncertain. Was she okay with sitting in the back? He had no idea what she liked, where she usually sat, if she ever came to that sort of establishments in the first place, and if she was doing it for him... It was nice of her, but he would rather she didn't. Every reasons for which they were in a cafe right now had to do with him, she didn't have to do this for him... After a moment of standing there he finally took a step, making his way to the back where she had gone. As he reached her she pulled out a chair, and he stopped. Why was she that kind to him? Still standing he eyed the chair for a second, watching her sitting down from the corner of his eye. He couldn't turn back now, it was way too late for that, so very slowly he sat down in front of her, hiding his hands underneath the table.

Her hand on the menu seemed unsure, and seeing her hiding behind it made him feel the same. Was he making her uncomfortable? That is not what he wanted to do, but he did not know what to do to make her feel the opposite, neither was he entirely sure of what was making her feel this way. It made her question even more unexpected than it originally was. For so long he had subsisted on coffee and the small pastries he could sometimes afford, he hadn't had a real meal in a long time. Even now he hadn't expected to get one, having no money at all. Of course, he wouldn't have told his sister it was the reason he had only planned to get a coffee... How he would have been happy to be able to afford both their meal, pay for her. It would have been the right thing to do, but now she was proposing to do so, and she was asking him what he would like and what he usually ate, and none of those questions had an answer in his head. "You don't have to... I just..." From the corner of his eye he saw his hand shaking underneath the table, and he shifted in his seat, looking away to stare at the floor. "I just thought I'd get a coffee." He had found the little money he needed for that, he could pay for him himself, he did not want to impose on her, he had no rights to do so.

[Dr Sofia Austin]

How did she even begin to ask what she wanted to know. ‘So what have you been doing for the past twenty years?’ She thought silently. It was a question she wanted to ask but it was as loaded a question as any but then what if he never wanted to tell her? Could she even accept a none answer to anything now she knew he was alive and right there in front of her. Had she even earned the right to ask him anything about his life, after all he was the one who left and who was to say he left to get away or simply to get away from her? Had she been the issue though would he honestly tell her?

There were so many questions floating around in her head, so many insecurities that had been locked away for years only to now be right back out in the open. When Sofia noticed he held back in following her she could only hope he would do. Her mind was yelling at her that he would run and as much a she wanted to stop him from doing so she had found out just what he thought about being touched. She had to trust that he would sit down she thought, usually Sofia never put much thought into where she sat.

A window table, middle of the room or back of the place it never mattered. The only thing that mattered was the company but this time she wanted Isaac to be comfortable, for him to be able to be relaxed and not have to worry about anything. Still she could hardly hide the look of relief on her face the moment she saw him sit down even if his hands were now hidden under the table. She wondered about the causes, was it likely alcohol or something worse though that was bad enough she thought. How did she even ask a question like that without being insensitive as she knew she had her own hang-ups when it came to alcohol and her family.

Sofia had no issue with paying for anything for him, he was her brother and if it meant that he was a little better for coffee and food then it was worth any amount of money to her. She just felt awful that she only knew what he ate when they were still teenagers not adults, she knew she had gone off her diet of chocolate pop tarts and nutella on anything she could spread it on. Sofia looked up at him when he spoke about her not having to though she was unsure if she had offended him when he looked away to the floor.

“Isaac, please let me do this for you? I know I don’t have to but I want to.” She asked not wanting to make a fuss but this was the first time they had been at the same table together for as long as she could remember. Sofia had an idea that he might not have much and she was hardly going to let him spend what he did have on coffee when she was perfectly capable of getting that for the two of them. “I’m hungry too so I think I’m going to order a few cakes and pastries just to see what I like.” She said deciding it was about as unobvious as she could be about making sure that he ate something.

If she had to order the entire menu she would do though she was planning on ordering a fair part of it. She was hungry well a hungry nervous and it came down to the fact that if her mouth was full then she would be unable to say something that might have him running out of the place. “Or toast, do you want toast?” She asked randomly letting the menu drop a little from her face each time she spoke. It was easy to feel a little more at ease when the conversation was about food and not the first ten questions she had lined up in her head to ask him.

@isaac ,

[Deleted]

There wasn't a written rule of how this should go, no pointers on how things should be asked, he couldn't fault her for not knowing how to talk to him, and he wouldn't push her to do it, but he knew she had questions, and that she was itching to ask them. It was expected, but still he felt nervous, not really wondering what she would ask, but what she would ask first. Would he be ready to answer her? Maybe it was a little late to be wondering that, now that they were here, a minute away from sitting down to have a conversation that had been twenty years in the making. He couldn't start telling himself he did not have to answer to her, she deserved better, deserved to know, even if it hurt.

He had stopped himself in surprise at first, halted mid-objection as Sofia had left promptly enough that he couldn't have placed a word before she was gone, but apprehension is what had prevented from joining her immediately. Still the urge to run, turn around and disappear. A thing he couldn't do now. He had to stop doing that. His sister was just there, waiting for him, waiting to talk to him because he had proposed they do so. Running wasn't an option. It had to stop being an option. So he had moved, walked up to her and sat down, slowly. He had thought to apologise, tell her that she could have picked a place, her usual spot, he wouldn't have minded. The fact that he had to hide his hands had prevented him from doing it. He hoped she hadn't noticed, but it was a faint hope.

The floor wasn't a particularly interesting subject to be looking at, but he couldn't tear his eyes away from it. Even as she spoke, spoke words he could hardly believe. "Sofia, you have already done a lot for me..." And I haven't done anything for you... She could have left him alone, back at the hospital. Out of anger, out of spite, any reason he would have understood. But she had stayed, and now, she was offering to pay for him, and he wasn't sure he could talk his way our of it. It was just coffee, he could pay for it, could pay for just that however... It should have been the other way around. He should have been the one paying for her, buying her all the pastries she wanted. "I..." He tried to object again, say again that he only wanted a coffee, but he caught sight of his trembling hands and he froze. It was worse now, and when he clenched his fists in hope that it would stop it, the trembling crawled up his arms.

He was terrified that she would notice, see and ask, so immediately his fist unclenched and he turned back to the floor. Then she spoke of toasts, and as much as he wanted to protest again his mind did not follow up on the thought. Toasts, and coffee. Almost sounded like breakfast, which he hadn't had in a long time. It was enough to bring back his attention to his menu, which he perused to see if they had any kind of eggs on it. He wouldn't ask for them, she had offered way too much already. Still, toasts were probably less expensive than the pastries were, he would rather ask for those if she still wanted to pay for it... "I don't know," came out in a sigh, before he tentatively looked up at his sister.

[Dr Sofia Austin]

Sofia was hardly the one to feel nervous when she knew what she was doing; in the ER everything was simple because she knew her job. She knew what to do, how to do it but this. Meeting her brother after all this time, actually going to sit down with him. Across the table he was right there and all she wanted to do was ask her thousand and one questions but where were her words? There was no, question one or great starting point to do any of this. What if he ran and what if things feel apart or she felt apart, she had done at the hospital and he had hugged her. She hardly wanted to have to put him through her tears again, no that was far too much.

His hands shook, her head was spinning with the reasons for it. Nerves, yes she had those too, alcohol she had seen that first hand, there was a whole world of possibilities as she realised how little she actually knew about her own brother. Years had passed and she had no history apart from fifteen years spent growing up. More than that amount of time had passed and now she was staring someone she had known years ago and now who she could only hope to get to know again if he was willing to let her.

Would it ever be easy, she doubted it but then where was the harm in trying when she had thought seeing him back in Chicago was a fairytale fantasy of hers she had dreamed up. The dreams that one day she would be doing this exact thing but never once had she considered the range of emotions that came with it. The absolute fear that he would leave and the first time had been bad enough, a second would she even be able to handle something that like when she was older and a little wiser than the crying fifteen year old from all those years ago.

Shaking her head Sofia knew there was a lot more she could have done, she could have looked harder for him. Done better, tried to be a better sister there was a lot she could have done for him and yet it had all just slipped by. “Isaac you cannot argue with me on this, trust me... I’m a doctor and food is good for people.” She stated as if food was the answer to life in general. Occasional she felt it was, a bad day and a tub of ice cream fixed many things in life so why not try it with cake and coffee.

Sofia looked away as she saw him tremble for a moment, great you’re making your own brother uncomfortable she thought as she wondered what she could do. Sofia placed the menu down on the table as he spoke about not knowing, she smiled and nodded. “It’s okay.” She said as she glanced at the menu. “So here’s a radical idea, how about we order one of everything on the breakfast menu. We can pick at what we like and I’ll get pastries to go?” Sofia had no idea what he ate anymore but cost to her was insignificant given Isaac was finally there.

She would have bought him the earth just to know that he was alive but right then he was alive and she just wanted to make sure he had something to eat that he liked. Sofia was hardly a fussy eater, she knew what she liked but then when was there ever going to be another ‘order the breakfast menu’ time in her life unless she went on hunger strike for a few days. Hardly planned but then why not try a little of everything. “Unless there’s something you really want? Say the word and it’s yours.” She said not sure if she was acting insane or if he thought she was insane and between the two she was unsure which option was worse though the second she felt could take the lead.

@isaac,

[Deleted]

As a general rule people rarely ever expressed the wish to get to know him, and, as a general rule, he rarely ever let anyone close enough to express that wish, so this situation left him uneasy. On more than one point. The fact that she wanted to get to know him was one thing, but that she still wanted to do that, after everything... Now that he was before her, trying to hide his shaking hands under the table, trying to hide how scared he was of her seeing them, it was hard to believe she could still feel the same. He was nervous like she was, of course, but it wasn't the only reason his hands had a mind of their own, and she must have known that, had she caught even a simple glimpse of them. Yet, he couldn't bring himself to remove them from underneath the table. He couldn't tell her why, it was just... probably the last thing he wanted to tell her, even considering so many other things. But when he considered their father... Yeah, it was better if she did not know that part of his history.

He laughed. Not a nervous laugh, a loud one, a surprise even to him, and probably everyone around them. "You're a doctor..." She was, no doubt on that, and he wasn't laughing at that, oh no, but for her to use that line on him, and deliver it so promptly without any second thoughts, it was unexpected. So he shook his head, more to himself than her as he tried to chase away the remaining laughter that erratically escaped him. He almost forgot his hands, almost forgot the kind of situation that had brought them here, almost forgot that just before he was arguing with her. It felt strangely... normal. His sister had make a joke, well, at least he hoped it was that, and he was laughing. Still, after a moment his laughter turned into a strange pain, a hurtful pinch in his heart. He couldn't pretend that this was normal. So the laugh died, and stress came crashing back into him. Maybe he shouldn't have laughed. No, he shouldn't have, so he turned to Sofia, trying to convey to her that he was sorry about that. He still felt like he should argue, then. He knew her words were true, yet, he couldn't bring himself to impose on her more than he already had.

It wasn't her fault. She wasn't the one that was causing his hands to tremble, or the one causing a headache to slowly grow in the back of his head, menacing to explode in excruciating pain at any moment. All of it was on him, his fault for skipping a few days, but he couldn't tell her... Wait. His heart started pumping, and for a second he swore his hands came to an halt. Everything? No. No that was too much, she couldn't be really thinking that? His eyes grew wide as he stared at his sister, mouth half opened in surprise. "No, you can't be..." thinking that? You can't want to spend that much money on me? Shock turned to interrogation, and slight disbelief as he shook his head, going back to look at his hands. He should stop. She was there, his sister, trying to help, make him comfortable, even feed him, of all things, and he was always protesting, going against her, and why exactly? He wasn't sure he knew anymore.

But then she spoke again, and for a second he wondered what he should do. He really did not want her to spend too much on him, didn't want to ask more and more of her, but if he said nothing to that, then she might truly go and order the whole menu, and he couldn't let her do that... "I, uh... Eggs. Eggs and toasts would be nice..." It was harder to say it than it should have been, and he couldn't look at her, but... it was a better option he felt, even if he truly wished it didn't have to come to this. "And coffee..." Came out in a whisper that even him had hardly caught. Now that only made him sound ungrateful, which he wasn't, she had done so much and was still trying to do more, but he felt undeserving.

[Dr Sofia Austin]

Sofia had always found it difficult to let people near to her, it was easier to hide things that way. Even her best friend it had taken her a while to actually get the courage to let her in but then life hardly allowed for her to keep everyone at arms length. It hurt less and things made more sense that way but then there were days when she was more than thankful for getting to know people because it felt like she needed those people in her life. Sofia wanted to know the man that was her brother, she knew the teenager but a lot of time had passed since then and now she knew little about him other than he was back and she was going to do everything she could to make him feel comfortable with being back.

The hands were worrying to her but then how could she even begin to ask about that, shaking could be nerves though her head told her different. The stories her mind had made up over the years tried to contradict what the doctor was telling her and what her heart found it possible to even believe in. A good life, a safe life well that had been torn away the minute she had seen him in the hospital. Good and safe hardly referred to the state he had been in the fight and everything else that went with it. Sofia found herself jumping slightly when he laughed though she smiled finding it nice to hear his laugh again though she was trying to be funny.

“Yes I am so I know things.” She said, “Like food being good for you.” She partly wanted to mention his hands though she hesitated for a moment, it was nice to finally be normal or at least what normal counted for in this situation. Him laughing her enjoying the company and relieved that he was finally there with her. In her mind there was no imposition, no putting her out because it was what she had wanted to do for years. To just have coffee with him, a drink a meal anything that meant there was the possibility that he would finally be there with her and he was safe. Was it crazy of her to think like that because last week she would have called herself crazy for even daring to think of it but this week it was happening and she had to pinch herself to believe it.

“What I can’t be that crazy?” She asked him grinning as she saw him look at his hands again. She had done the wrong thing she thought not sure how she could get out of that one though for him Sofia would have ordered the menu twice if he had asked her to. She wanted to make sure he was alright, that he was eating and that he had something more than the coffee he had wanted to pay for which was hardly going to happen, ever. No Sofia had the money to buy him breakfast and probably a lot more than that if he wanted but then she had no idea what was going on in his life anymore. It was what the meeting was for right, to find out what had happened over the past years she had missed.

Sofia smiled and nodded when he agreed to eggs and toast though when he never looked at her she began t wonder again if he was alright. Sofia waved at the waitress for a moment as she placed their order for two lots of eggs and toast with coffee, she was partially assuming that part given she had barely heard him say the world but then he had spoken about that before. “So you weren’t feeling like the entire menu then?” She said grinning at him as she placed her hand palm up on the table just in front of him. “Isaac, you can trust me okay.” She began as she took a break not sure if she was rocking the boat too soon or if there was ever going to be a good time for the conversation.

“What’s going on with your hands?” She asked him as she gazed at him for a moment keeping the warm friendly look on her face, she had her own ideas though jumping to conclusions could get her into trouble she thought. Especially if his answer was different to what she was thinking it would be. “And before you even think about telling me anything but the truth, remember the doctor thing...” She said deciding that it was a good time to drop that one again with a smile.

@isaac,

[Deleted]

Laughing had made this whole situation feel surreal, as if a strange dream that if he convinced himself that he was okay enough, he could forget. In a cafe, with his sister that he hadn't seen in twenty years, a meeting so that she could ask him just what the hell he had been up to all these years away from her... No, laughing did not seem appropriate much for the situation, and he did not know how he felt exactly for having done it. He had seen Sofia jump in her seat, as surprised as he was from what he had done, but then she had smiled, and he did not know what to do of it. It felt... wrong, it felt like his laugh had been fake advertisement. For her, most of all, but also for himself. She would get from this an expectation that he would do it again, sometime, that what had happened to him wasn't so bad because he still found some strength to laugh, but truly, there was no strength to be found. As for him, it gave him the hope that maybe he would find more reasons to do it, that it would stop hurting when he does, one day, but he couldn't shake the feeling that it all sounded so fake. It felt too late.

So he did not reply. It would have simply bounced against the floor that he was now looking at anyway. It was true. She knew things, knew more than he ever did, she did not have to convince him of that. And he knew, about the food, he simply rarely ever had the money to eat regularly, but she must have seen that, if she was ready to order him the whole menu even if he had asked for a coffee. Crazy? No, it wasn't what he had been about to say. It only was incredible to think that she was ready to do such a thing for him, after how he had treated her, the disbelief truly staggering. So he shook his head at his hands, did not say more. Until he asked for his eggs. It still felt unfair for him to ask that of her, but he preferred the bare minimum over extravagance, preferred to cost her little rather than too much. To watch her place their order made him uncomfortable, especially when she specified that she wanted “two lots of eggs”, but he only found the words to protest when she asked him about refusing to order the whole menu. Her smile made it hard to talk. "You can't be wanting to pay that much for me... I couldn't let you..." do that... That sounded strongly ungrateful, he should have chosen his words better. It took him a lot of might not to hide his face in his hands, but the fear that she would see them shaking was enough to prevent him from doing it.

Her words hit him like a brick. His hands. Of course. A simple question, really, but for him, it involved so much more, and nothing in it felt simple. Especially after he had told himself that he couldn't tell her about it. She had seen what it had done to their father, had lived through it while he had fled. It had already plagued their family enough, he couldn't let it do it again, couldn't let it happen to his sister once more. She couldn't see it having destroyed another life, after everything she had already seen. Yet, he probably should have thought of that before he started drinking... A surge of sadness took over him, mixing strangely with the anger and the bitter surprise. "I..." His words died in his throat, and he found himself unable to speak, even more as she continued, mentioning the doctor thing. She knew, then. She knew and she was waiting on him to confirm it, but he had no words. He had tears, but he couldn't let them show. He couldn't even bring himself to say the 'I'm sorry' that was on the verge of his lips, feeling it to be the most hypocritical thing he could ever say.

[Dr Sofia Austin]

Sofia had been surprised by his laugh though it was welcome to finally hear him laugh again. To be in the same room at the same table when he had done. People often said it was the little things that were missed and she had thought that they were just nostalgic until it happened to her too. The little things like seeing him smile, hearing him laugh. The very thing as simple as a hug that had her crying in front of him like a child which she still had barely forgiven herself for. Those were the things she missed beyond missing her brother, the things that made him up as a person and yes it was startling to hear him laugh but at the same time it was a good thing that he actually still could do that not just for her but for him too.

As a doctor she could see things that he had missed, food mainly and she wanted to fix that for him simply to make him feel better or at least give him the chance to start eating properly again. In such money must be an issue for him she thought though it all lead back to the same question, what had he being doing all these years to be in such a state? The army would have fed him or she hoped they would have and whoever was causing him the issues she would go straight to the source and yell at them for ever daring to hurt her brother. Sofia never considered it unfair, she was too happy to have him back there to know he was alive and that he was relatively safe if he could be.

“See this is where the ‘no choice you’re my brother’ part comes into play.” She explained smiling at him, “I do want to pay that much for you and frankly it isn’t a lot because I should have done so much more for you. Which is why that will change but we can get to that later. First we need to eat and drink coffee because well food and coffee is a good thing.” Sofia wanted to make sure he was safe, that he had a safe place to be and yes she had a bleeding heart when it came to some things but her brother, he was family and even if he protested it she would do everything humanly possible to make sure he was alright.

Sofia barely needed the verbal confirmation as she heard the one word that came from him. She had seen their father go through the same thing, the trips to rehab and the same line every single time. ‘Yes this is the last time’ he used to tell her, each trip was the last time but she never believed it. Perhaps that was the reason she had failed in getting him free of alcohol, had she believed more though the years of those lies had taken their toll more than she ever thought possible. It was why she had to blink back her own tears for a moment trying not to show it to anyone as she took a breath and tried to distract herself for a moment in arranging the paper napkin across her lap for a moment.

Sofia wanted to yell for a brief moment, how as this fair on her brother that he had done the exact same thing as their father. Was this all he had seen as she wondered if she had found him sooner, joined the army as she had first thought just to see if she could find him again. She smiled at him for a moment and nodded trying to find the right words for this if there were such things left in the world. “It’s okay, I know. You don’t have to hide them.” She decided upon as she spoke softly and placed her hand palm up on the table again, “If you want... or are ready then I can help you but only if you want me to.” Sofia had learned the hard way that wanting to help someone, getting them help and them actually accepting it were difficult and could never be forced.

She had tried to force their father and each time it failed, he was happy with a never ending bottle and a temper to match but it solved no problems. The same feelings were there in the morning, the same ‘sorry I never meant to’ when the bruises appeared or the mess was still cleared up. She had tried to hang onto her question for as long as possible but she felt like it had to be asked. “Isaac what happened to you? Where have you been? Did you join the army?” She rattled off trying not to panic herself over what might happen or what his answers might be. She was terrified that he would run and scared to death of what that might mean. Did she go after him, let him go if he did but she had let him go last time and she saw the result of that. Her hand tensed around the edge of the chair she was sat on as she glanced at Isaac trying to see anything that might tell her what he was going to do or say.