Drowning

[Deleted]

Danny has been driving around the streets of Chicago in a
daze for the past couple hours, ignoring all his phone calls and text messages.  Somewhere in the back of his mind he knows
that it’s a bad idea to shut everyone out and let them worry, especially after
what just happened. He picks up his phone looking at it briefly, noting several
calls from his wife as well as several other numbers he didn’t recognize, before
silencing it and tossing it in the back seat. It’s just that he has so much
going on in his head and his heart and he just doesn’t know how to process
it.  His normal tactic of ignoring it
until it goes away isn’t seeming to work out for him this time.

All of the memories are starting to blur together in his
head, he’s having a really hard time distinguishing what just happened from
what happened years ago.  He feels
himself getting pulled back under and into that dark place he’s been so many
times before, but still being with it enough to know he can’t let that happen
he drives to the first place he thinks of.

If he’s having this much trouble dealing with things, lord
he can’t even think it out loud to himself, he knows his sister is having an
even tougher time than he is.  He’s
strong enough to pull himself together for her, of this he is absolutely
certain because he’s done it before. 

He parks the car in front of the house and sits for a good
while trying unsuccessfully to collect his runaway thoughts. He puts on his
brave face, because he knows his sister needs him.  He also knows she’ll still be awake despite
the late hour, so he strides up to the door hesitating only briefly before
knocking softly.

Erin "Lou" Voight

[Erin "Lou" Voight]

Erin Reagan Voight

Finding the truth is like deconstructing a milkshake

⚖ @dannyreagan ⚖

wearing

Oh Erin was awake. Nicky was over and she'd finally gotten her to go to sleep. It was like trying to get a toddler to sleep, even though Nicky was an adult. Erin understood. Erin understood how much her daughter was hurting. They all were. Erin had tried to fall asleep next to Hank, and it had been Hank who passed out. Now here was Erin pacing the downstairs in her slippers and pajamas. She had no idea what time of the night it was.

Hearing the knock at the door she peeked through the hole to see who it was. Better safe than sorry. Seeing that it was Danny she unlocked the door. Not caring that the Chicago air was a bit nippy even for her, she pulled her brother into a hug. "Danny it's the middle of the night" she pointed out. Okay so she was pointing out the obvious as she yanked her brother inside and closed the door behind them not wanting to let the cold air in.

Putting a finger to her lip, Erin spoke quietly. "I managed to get everyone to sleep" she was in a way telling him to keep his voice down without directly telling him that. "And I don't need Nicky waking up" she knew that if her daughter woke up it was going to be hell try and get her to go back asleep. She had to wonder how Sean and Jack were taking things. She knew high schoolers took things a little harder than adults or little kids sometimes. "Linda and the kids? How are they?" Right she knew better than to ask him how he was holding up straight off the bat. It was a Reagan thing, not wanting to talk about their feelings.

template by eliza @ adoxography

[Deleted]

“Yeah…uh right…Linda and the kids,” He starts, thinking guiltily of his phone laying silenced in the backseat of his car, “I’m…I’m…uh… sure they’re doing fine. They’re tough.” He says looking anywhere but at Erin.

He was glad that his sister wasn’t alone and that she was surrounded by her loved ones. “So…uh how about you? How are you?” He asks. He’s trying to divert and focus the attention of the conversation on anything other than himself and how he’s dealing with things or in this case…not dealing with things.

“Why is it that you’re down here pacing around all alone in the middle of the night and your husband is upstairs…what? sleeping? Shouldn’t he be down here with you, or better yet shouldn’t he have you up there in the bed trying to get you to rest? You need to rest Sis…this” he says gesturing around the room “This is not good for you, you need to rest.” Danny knows he’s grasping at threads right now, because he’s here at his sister’s house and has no idea how his own wife is doing, but it’s what he does. It’s easier for him to try to focus on his sister and trying to help her than to deal with his own emotions right now.

He looks around for a few seconds, feeling completely and utterly lost. He knows he needs to get a grip on things before he loses it right here in front of Erin, he’s supposed to be the strong one. He closes his eyes takes a deep breath and swallows before looking her in the eye “Hey, can…can I uh use your phone? I need to follow my own advice and at least let my wife know I’m alive and where I’m at. Maybe I can face things and try to fix things tomorrow morning but the last thing she and the boys need right now is to be worried about me.”

[Erin "Lou" Voight]

Erin Reagan Voight

Finding the truth is like deconstructing a milkshake

⚖ @dannyreagan ⚖

Erin knew Danny hadn't even called them. He needed to and she was about to say something but she knew how much she tried to avoid things by trying to go back to work. She was only home because Hank had brought her home and wouldn't let her go back to work after the news came came in.

All things considered. "Worried about Nicky" she admitted. Erin wasn't admitting her own torture but seeing Nicky earlier in the evening broke her heart. Like Danny, Erin didnt like to talk about her feelings on things. The lawyer in her had to separate her feelings out for the legality of things. She had to be able to look at everything with an unemotional facade when she showed up in court. Right now she just treated it the same. She'd already spent hours crying around lunch time.

"I couldn't sleep. Hank tried to get me to sleep and I fell asleep for a brief moment I guess but then I'm back up. I don't want to wake them. They need sleep" She wasn't above letting her family rest and handling things on her own. "I've been up maybe 20 minutes?" Well up as in she had been out of her bedroom upstairs. Hank probably didn't even know she was down here. Why did it matter. Hank was looking after her and Nicky too, something Erin didn't take for granted.

"She called me earlier looking for you." Erin stated. "Phone is in the kitchen" her cellphone was upstairs turned off. Tapping the wall as she moved that general direction she pulled down bananas and fruit. "You want anything? Coffee? Tea?" She knew he hated the smoothies she made but it gave her something to do and she enjoyed them. "I've got chocolate ice cream in the freezer. I can make you a milkshake?" she offered knowing he liked those too.

template by eliza @ adoxography

[Deleted]

Slowly following Erin into the kitchen Danny answered “Coffee, I guess.” He can’t remember when he last ate, he’s not sure when he slept last but he figures coffee would be ok. He steps over to the phone and dials, but when Linda answers it’s like he can’t form a coherent thought. “Linda…I…” is all that will come out. He holds the phone away from his head and looks at it trying to decide what to do, he glances at Erin and looks back at the phone.. “I..I’m sorry…I’m not…I’m not ok, but I’m alive and I’m at Erin’s…and…and I can’t do this right now…that’s all I know…” He drops the phone, and stands rooted in the same spot, unable to move.

His brain is literally in a million places at once, but he’s not able to focus on any of them. He’s hot and cold all at once, and starts shaking. He can't process all of this. His eyes frantically search for anything to lock on to, that might help calm him. Memories of Jamie assault all of his senses at once, it’s like he’s drowning. He can’t breathe, he can’t think, he can barely move. The memories, they all seem so real, like he could just reach out and grab him. Danny realizes can’t do this either, he’s got to leave. He’s got to go somewhere. He’s got to be doing something, doing anything. He wants to be somewhere where the memories can’t find him, where the pain doesn’t exist.

He looks at Erin with a panicked look on his face, “Sis…I….I’ve gotta go, I have to…I..I can’t…This wasn't supposed to happen again...” When his feet finally start to cooperate he turns and starts heading towards the door.

[Erin "Lou" Voight]

Erin Reagan Voight

Finding the truth is like deconstructing a milkshake

⚖ @dannyreagan ⚖

Erin let Danny have his space to talk to Linda and when he hung up the phone she put it back on the receiver. She tried to put her arm around pinning him to the wall to get him to talk but he clearly wasn't going to have at it. He had managed to get around her and take off for the door.

Though Erin wasn't going to let him get away from this whole thing that easily. She blocked the doorway. Pointing into the other room. "Do not make me get Hank down here." her voice was firm. He was in no state to drive. Neither of them were and if he went out there and she had to chase him down. No the wrath of Hank was not something she was willing to test on that. There family had been a target lately for crying out loud. "Couch. Sit" she might be the younger sibling but she had guts.

template by eliza @ adoxography

[Deleted]

"Geez sis, threatening me with your husband, really?...next thing you know you'll have my wife on the way over here to have the whole family here for the intervention." he spits out before realizing that Erin meant business and that she wasn't going to let him out the door.

"Gah Erin...I'm sorry I know shouldn't be taking this out on you, I just...just have no idea how to deal with any of this. Once was enough, never would have imagined having to do all of this again. He...he was supposed to be a damn lawyer Erin, why...why? I mean don't get me wrong I was always so proud of Jamie no matter what he decided to do, but why couldn't he just be happy with being a lawyer?" Sitting on the sofa as he was directed he places his elbows on his knees and puts his head into his hands and mumbles "He'd still be here." Before falling silent.

"This whole sense of having to grow up to be a cop in this family has to stop...now...what has it ever done for us other than give us heartache?"

Looking up shaking his head he looks at Erin sadly, "Here I am piling all of this on you when it's the last thing you need. You should be sleeping, I'll be fine Erin...Just let me leave. I'll go get some coffee and go home, where I should have gone to start with. Instead I've been out being selfish...trying to wrap my head around something I'll never truly understand and worrying you and my wife in the process."

[Deleted]

[attr=class,sarabande]

[attr=class,sleepdance]honey i forgot to duck

[attr=class,metersara]@dannyreagan

[attr=class,threesara]replace this with notes

[attr=class,threemeter]isn't that a little overzealous

[attr=class,symphony]linda

[attr=class,symphony]linda

Erin laughed. "Your wife is probably already on the way after that phone call. And I am not responsible for that one" she chided at him. Erin came over and sat next to him. "I said the same thing. Why couldn't he have been a lawyer" she put her arms around her brother into a hug. She let him stay silent as long as he wanted. No more cops. Right. She didnt' want to get into the hows and why's of the discussion with Nicky earlier in the evening. "Daniel don't be daft" she sounded like their mother.

Erin sat with him and talked until Linda did in fact arrive. Erin let her in and showed her in. Linda came over and sat next to Danny. The boys were over at Franks. Sure they were old enough to stay by themselves but that was not the best of ideas right now. Linda kissed the top of his forehead. Linda was hurting too but like Erin she was swallowing it for everyone else's sake. Linda had the kids and Danny to think about. They were her responsibility and she was quite possibly a mother hen. Sighing she played with some of his hair.

"Jack and Sean are at Frank's" she explained before he got a chance to ask. Linda hated the family business. That was well known. Linda wrapped her arms around Danny and tugged him close. She was about to say something when Erin returned with some pillows and stuff. They were family of course they were welcomed to stay. Erin disappeared upstairs. Linda hoped it was to go to bed but she knew better. Though right now she was focused on her husband.

Linda poked Danny in the side lightly. It wasn't so much playful as to draw his attention to her face. The couple had been through hell and back and then again. Just when they thought they were above water to resurface someone tossed them more. Their life hadn't been easy and it wasn't getting any easier as they got older. "Danny..." she was trying to figure out what to say to him. Words, actions, nothing could fix this heart break. All she could do was be there, so it was exactly what she was doing.

°r

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[Deleted]

Feeling her kiss his forehead and play with his hair have an almost instant relaxing effect on him, he starts to feel how truly exhausted he really is. He nods against her when she mentions that the kids are at Frank's, and goes to her willingly when she pulls him close. He probably should have gone directly home earlier, he was feeling better already. Somehow Linda always knows just what he needs, he feels like an ass for shutting her out earlier. He knows that this has been just as hard on her as it was him, and he'd left her to deal with the kids all on her own. That's husband and father of the year material right there.

He looks up at Erin sheepishly when she brings in the pillows and blankets. "Thanks sis." he mumbles as he watches her disappear upstairs.

He continues to beat himself up in silence while taking comfort in Linda's arms, he refuses to look at her though afraid that she'll see how messed up he really is right now. Feeling her poke him in the side, he takes a couple deep breaths and tries to wipe some of the desperation and self loathing off his face. Seeing all that was the last thing she needed right now. Closing his eyes one last time and sucking in a ragged breath he looks up at her, "Linda..."

He sees it then, all the pain and sadness written there in her beautiful blue eyes, and pulls her back to him. "I am so sorry...I...well I wasn't thinking straight, maybe not thinking at all. Are you...are you and the boys really ok? I shouldn't have taken off and worried you. I'm not even going to try and lie and say that I'm ok; because I'm not, but I'm better now that you're here, and I wish the boys were here too. I don't know what came over me earlier...home was the first place I should have come. I am so sorry...so sorry."

[Deleted]

[attr=class,sarabande]

[attr=class,sleepdance]honey i forgot to duck

[attr=class,metersara]@dannyreagan

[attr=class,threesara]replace this with notes

[attr=class,threemeter]isn't that a little overzealous

[attr=class,symphony]linda

[attr=class,symphony]linda

Linda knew that this was hard on anyone. Watching her family go through this with Joe had ... it took it's toll. Now it was this all over again. Feeling powerless. Yes, that was probably the right word. Danny's way of dealing with this was shutting everyone out. Well Linda was the dutiful wife who put up with it, well most of the time. That isn't to say that it didn't cast it's stones but she knew how this went. Linda was no beginner at knowing the ins and outs of her husband. They had been married two decades and counting. It wasn't like she didn't know what was coming.

She was holding herself together, that was what was needed of her right now. Marriages were give and take. They held each other up. When he started talking she could have shushed him but if he needed to let things out she had always let him. Though he nailed her with the age old question of if she was really okay. She'd never been able to lie to him. That just wasn't her but she wasn't above deflecting. Right explain to him how the boys were and maybe he would miss that she wasn't talking about herself. "The boys are trying to be like their dad. Pretend everything is okay. I see right through it." She reminded him with a small smile. Sean and Jack were Danny ten times over. She really did live in a mancave most days.

Linda understood in an odd sort of way. "Well I am not dragging you out of the bar. I don't have a problem finding you here" she reminded him. At least he'd turned to family. Even if it wasn't her at least she wasn't pulling him out of a bar fight or getting a call that he had been drunk tumbling into work. Linda was the family mother hen, that had just been the role she had taken on after Frank's wife had passed away. Someone had to look out for the crazies. Might as well be the one who was about as far away from the family business as one could get right?

°r

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[Deleted]

Sighing when he hears her answer, "Well you make sure and tell the boys to stop trying to be like me, I don't even want to be like me today, that's the last thing this world needs right now, I feel like such an ass." He grumbles looking at the floor between his feet. There are many things that he can't forgive himself for tonight, treating his family poorly just happens to be at the top of the list.

"You're still avoiding part of my question Linda, admittedly I'm messed up but not quite messed up enough to miss that." It is his turn to pull her to him and kiss her gently on the forehead letting his lips linger there for some time before tipping her chin up to look in her eyes. "I know it didn't seem like it earlier, but I am worried about you...for me to be ok, I need to know that you're going to be ok."

Her comments about pulling him out of a bar have him shaking his head, "I swear... I haven't had a drop of anything to drink tonight, matter of fact I can't remember eating anything either. The thought of alcohol hasn't even crossed my mind tonight at least I don't think it has. I really don't know how I ended up here either...it's all kind of a blur really, all right up until the point that Erin blocked the door and refused to let me leave again."

He pulls away slightly. "I think sis said something about having some ice cream in her freezer, you want to share some chocolate ice cream with me?" chuckling for the first time he can remember today he adds, "I know it's not real food, but it's better than nothing right?"

[Deleted]

[attr=class,sarabande]

[attr=class,sleepdance]honey i forgot to duck

[attr=class,metersara]@dannyreagan

[attr=class,threesara]replace this with notes

[attr=class,threemeter]isn't that a little overzealous

[attr=class,symphony]linda

[attr=class,symphony]linda

Linda simply shook her head at her husband. She really wished sometimes that he wouldn't be so hard on himself. Sighing she just nuzzled her forehead into his neck. Right now she needed him close. It was two fold, though it was mostly to keep her eye on him. Linda was fairly good at keeping a watchful eye on everything. That was just in her nature.

Damn his avoidance detection. Leaning into his lips with her forehead gently. "Yeah babe, I'm alright" well as alright in the situation as she could be. "Just a little worried about you" she admitted. Well by little she certainly didn't mean little. When Linda worried, she worried and it was like trying to dig out of a hole where the dirt kept filling in, there was no end. Linda decided that avoiding his eyes was... pointless. Besides she could get lost in them.

When Danny got defensive she put a hand on the side of his face. "I'm not making accusations. Take a breathe" she hated when he got worked up and that's right back where they were headed. Typical Danny. She knew he got worked up over things but there were also more constructive ways than ranting and raving but she would worry if he wasn't behaving like his typical self.

Okay well chocolate icecream who could pass that up. Though she also knew that he needed to have real food. Though right now she would choose her battles. "Okay" she decided that was as good of an answer as any at this point in time. Smiling some she was doing the best she could given the situation.

°r

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[Deleted]

"I know I haven't made it very easy, but please don't worry about me. I need to worry about you for a change, I can't explain it but if I'm worrying about you...the kids...Erin, well then I'm not thinking about...things. So let me take care of you for awhile, yeah?" He knows that she's not going to stop worrying about him, it's in her very nature to worry. It's part of what he loves so much about her. However, what he's said is true and if he's worried about taking care of her it doesn't allow him the time to really think about anything else or feel much of anything. That was his ultimate goal after all as little thinking about Jamie and his profound loss the better.

Deep down he knew she wasn't accusing him of anything, but it would have been so easy to go to the bar and drink enough to forget about the day. Ok so if he hadn't been thinking about it earlier, he was giving the idea some thought at this point. Shaking himself out of it, he squeezes her "Shhh, I know you weren't accusing. I just wanted you to know, although now that I have thought about it the idea of getting so drunk I don't remember certainly holds some appeal." He laughs pulling her closer.

"Wait here, I'll bring the bowl back." he says standing from the sofa abruptly, suddenly feeling the urge to be doing something again, and walks towards the kitchen. He opens several cabinets before finding where his sister has hidden the bowls. He grabs a bowl and sets it on the counter, stopping for a moment to close his eyes tightly and rub his temples before gripping the edge of the counter and taking a deep breath. He turns to the freezer and pulls out the tub of Chocolate ice cream and sets it on the counter next to the bowl. After searching for the ice cream scoop and the spoons he dishes up a couple scoops of ice cream and puts the tub back in the freezer.

Gathering up the bowl and two spoons he heads back to his wife. Scooping up a spoonful he offers it to her. "Remember the first time we shared Chocolate ice cream?" He asks with a smirk before pulling the spoon back and eating the ice cream himself.

[Deleted]

[attr=class,sarabande]

[attr=class,sleepdance]honey i forgot to duck

[attr=class,metersara]@dannyreagan

[attr=class,threesara]replace this with notes

[attr=class,threemeter]isn't that a little overzealous

[attr=class,symphony]linda

[attr=class,symphony]linda

"You listen to me Danny Reagan. You have always taken care of me." She gave him a look. "And don't you think for a minute that you haven't" she added as she searched his face. Linda was studying him and trying to figure out what was going through his mind. Linda reached out and started to massage his shoulders. He was stressed out and she wanted to help. Temporary was an understatement, but she knew right now he needed unconditional support regardless.

There was no issue with him tugging on her to bring her closer. "You could get drunk off of me" she teased. Though she knew this was hardly the time or the place, but the thought could brighten his day right? She cuddled up close to him on the couch. Then he told her to stay there. Of course he did. That was his favorite phrase, telling her to wait. Even when there was no need.

Though when he came back to sit beside her she was content with that as she stole the other spoon. "How can I forget?" she rolled her eyes. "The vanilla chocolate debate lasted the entire ride to the ice cream shop." Well it hadn't lasted quite that long but it had lasted for a bit. Enough that she liked to tease him about it from time to time. Lightly tapping him on the nose with her other finger she smiled a bit.

°r

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[Deleted]

"Yeah, I did a fine job of taking care of you earlier tonight when I was out driving around too caught up in myself to even answer my phone. When I had you so worried you had to come over here to find me, that wasn't taking care of anyone...not even myself." He says before leaning into her massaging hands.

He smiles at her suggestion of getting drunk off of her, "As absolutely wonderful and tempting as that sounds, I believe I messed up that option too...Hank and Erin's sofa is hardly the place for that." He says snuggling into her and taking comfort from her closeness. Linda really was the first place he should have gone when he heard the news, she grounds and centers him.

When Linda starts teasing about the chocolate vanilla debate that had happened the first time they had ice cream together, he can't help but defend himself...even if his mouth is full of half melted Chocolate ice cream. "I can't help it if my poor date didn't understand how awesome Chocolate ice cream was at the time, " swallowing the rest of his mouthful he continues, "I mean who wants plain old vanilla. Thankfully, she's learned over the years to appreciate the awesomeness of Chocolate."

When she taps him on the nose and smiles, he can't help himself he pulls her in and kisses her. "We could always go home...I have it under good authority that the boys are at their grandfather's and we'd have the house to ourselves."

Taking another mouthful of ice cream, "It's late though... and I'm worried about Erin, less so now that she's got Hank...if nothing else that man takes good care of my sister and Nicky. Kind of like someone else I know." He says with a grin. "So if you want to go home, we can...if not we can wait until morning. I'll let you decide, I'm too exhausted to make any decisions at this point." He hands her the bowl of half eaten ice cream before pulling her closer again and leaning his head onto the back of the sofa.