These confessions are my nightmares

[Stephanie Taylor]

[attr="class","tomhov"]

TAG
Benjamin Taylor

NOTES

Stephanie was staying the night with Ben. Mostly because she had passed out somewhere during the movie. Her original plan had been to go home, but since they weren't on shift tomorrow she wasn't too worried about it. She'd fallen asleep mid movie, something she couldn't even recall them watching. When she woke up it was more of the same nightmares, she been having since the fire. Rolling over with her back to her fiance she took a death grip to the side of the mattress as she took a few breathes to calm down. Stephanie could sleep as long as the noises were familiar. The TV, the humming of a fan, but heaven help anyone who would step on a squeaky floorboard. That would cause Stephanie to wake in a moments notice.

Once she calmed herself down she rolled back over towards Ben pulling him close. Stephanie wasn't exactly Ms. Cuddly in the bed, so there was clearly something off as she laid her head down on his arm. A few more deep breathes. She knew if Ben was here beside her then she couldn't be back in her past. How did he put up with her constant waking at night? She wasn't sure she would ever get an answer to the questions. This is why she was nocturnal. Sleep didn't come easily. So she'd sleep when she was tired, which usually meant mid day because she had been up all night.

Ben still didn't know about what haunted her at night. Glancing down his arm and to his sides, she was just thankful that sometimes he could sleep when she woke. If he woke up every time she did then neither of them would ever sleep. Though right now Steph had a lot on her mind as he laid there awake with her head in the crevice of his arm. Eyes aimed at he wall across the bedroom.

STEPHANIE HARRIS
HEY NUTCASE! STOP BITING THE COMMAND STAFF

✿

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[Benjamin Taylor]

Ben had done his usual and stayed up past his bed time, it was fun when he was with Stephanie but without sleep he was surprised she would be there in a morning. He could be like a bear with a sore head at times but one movie and with Stephanie asleep it was easier for her to say over not that Ben minded that at all. With no shift the next day he had an entire day to work out what to do with though it took all of two seconds for him to fall into his usual routine of his head hitting the pillow and he was out like a light.

He mumbled when he felt her pulling him close, he had never been the lightest sleeper and the one thing he could do right was sleep through a marching band if needed. It was that moment when his mind realised that her head was on his arm that something was wrong. He mumbled again as he wiped a hand across his face as he woke up trying to work out if she was laid on his arm or if it was another night of nightmares. He blinked himself awake as he yawned but resisted the urge to stretch out.

“Stephanie?” He said softly as he lifted his other arm to reach out to her. It was the cuddling that had him worried, she had never been that way usually so there was something off. She was lying down and not pacing which was good but there was something wrong and he knew it. “Stephanie what’s wrong?” He asked as his eyes adjusted to the room as he listened out for her. He worried about her no matter what but given their sleeping habits they were polar opposites when it came to awake and asleep.

[Stephanie Taylor]

[attr="class","tomhov"]

TAG
Benjamin Taylor

NOTES

Great. She had woken sleeping beauty. Hearing Ben’s voice she rolled her head just enough so she could see him. “You are questioning my name like you expect to find another woman in bed beside you” she teased him. Anything to put off the inevitable. And there it was. The asking her what was wrong. Did she give him the same answer as always? Stephanie never really wanted to talk about things, but she knew answering with nothing was never going to fly. “More nightmares” as in nothing out of the ordinary.

Though her nightmares had gotten more frequent since the fire. They were an almost nightly occurrence, but she wasn’t sure she was prepared to let Ben know why, but they were in this for the long haul right? The ring on her finger said as much. Her arm reached across his chest and her hand landed on his opposite shoulder. Kissing the shoulder she was laying on she wanted him to know she was alright, well alright considering her mind was going through hell again.

Though her fingers started lightly moving in succession on the opposite shoulder. “You should get some sleep” she offered. If one of them should get sleep, it should be him since he COULD sleep. Though heart pounded she was settling some in his arms. Usually she settled well enough. Though she moved his hand to the scars on her arms and back gently pulling it across them. “Remembering this makes it hard to sleep” she added trying to open a little without telling him what happened. The only one who had all the details was Peter and at the rate Stephanie discussed things, it would probably stay that way.

STEPHANIE HARRIS
HEY NUTCASE! STOP BITING THE COMMAND STAFF

✿

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[Benjamin Taylor]

Ben loved his sleep but knowing that something was wrong with Stephanie, sleep hardly bothered him until he smiled hearing her tease him. “Oh no, so you’re not Gisele Bündchen?” He asked as if he had believed it, there was no way he would swap Stephanie for anyone even a super model. She meant far too much to him for that. Ben knew he could be a pain if she said nothing however he nodded at the mention of nightmares. It had taken a while but he was used to her saying it now, not the kind of nightmares he could convince her were just fake monsters under the bed.

There had been a frequency to her nightmares though Ben did his best to understand and to simply be there. A lot had changed since the fire and his nightmare was now not just losing his daughter but losing Stephanie too and Aiden. He smiled when her hand landed on his shoulder and he sighed when she kissed the shoulder she was laying on. Ben simply ran his hand slowly up and down her arm hoping it would help her forget the nightmares though it was hardly something new he was trying.

“I’ll only sleep when you do.” He offered as he as awake anyway so getting back to sleep was going to take a lot more than her telling him to sleep. Ben felt the scars on her arms and back when she pulled his hand across them. He traced them with the tips of his fingers lightly not wanting to push her to open up but he simply wanted to help her. “No one can hurt you anymore, I won’t let that happen.” He said seriously as he lifted his head slightly to look at her.

“Do you want to tell me about them?” He asked as he realized how that might seem pushy. Ben went to lift her hand to drag across his own scars and burns on his chest and arm. They were engaged and there were parts of his life he had never spoken a word of to anyone, it was only fair that if she told him then he could tell her. “If you tell me then I’ll tell you.” He said hoping that might help, even if she spoke about her nightmares it might help him understand it a lot more.

[Stephanie Taylor]

[attr="class","tomhov"]

TAG
Benjamin Taylor

NOTES

Stephanie slugged him lightly and albeit groggily in the arm when he brought up the supermodel. “Blondes are your thing then?” His blue eyes caught her attention as she went to try and settle beside him. Actually, blonde supermodels was a great conversation. It distracted her, though he was into blondes really? Stephanie tried to decide if she should be offended. Then again Ben was great at digging holes on purpose. He was probably yanking her chain.

Her arms and her back were off limits to most people. There were a few who could touch down her scars and not get their head bitten off. If she hadn’t put his hands on her arms and back then she would probably have been in the next county by now. It took a few deep breathes for her to be okay with him running his hand over them, even if she had initiated the contact.

Remembering what James said at the bar she rolled her head into Ben’s shoulder. He wouldn’t be like this if he didn’t care. She’d already known that but it had been nice to hear it from someone else. ‘Don’t go looking for an argument Steph’ she told herself. Though the ultimatum made her want to fight. He was protective. “I close my eyes and I see…” she cut her words off.

Stephanie recognized burns when she saw them, her hand resting over top of his scars. They just made her angrier. It was bad enough she hurt but she was bringing him more hurt than he’d already been through. “No one should go through this” she told him. Laying on his chest she didn’t want to make him go through whatever pain it was. People hid things for a reason. Anxiety set in as she felt a bit pushed to talk and she started trembling. “Don’t put me through it again” she was pleading. Stephanie sounded scared, this was a woman who didn’t say that kind of thing.

STEPHANIE HARRIS
HEY NUTCASE! STOP BITING THE COMMAND STAFF

✿

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[Benjamin Taylor]

Ben chuckled feeling her slug him in the arm, “Oh yeah, I thought you knew this?” He asked as he grinned again and shook his head. “Cutie pies are my thing. They hang around the fire house all the time.” He said with a grin, Stephanie was his type and the one woman he loved above all others. He would pick Stephanie over any supermodel any day of the week. Ben knew he could dig himself into a hole faster than most people, he knew he should think before he spoke but then most of the time it was trying to do the right thing it just never came out that way.

When he heard her deep breaths he stopped moving his hand, he knew that her scars were unspoken. It had never been dinner table conversation or really conversation at all. Simply the acknowledgement that they were there and nothing more. He had wondered about them but then he knew he was quiet on his own so asking her was one step too far until now. Now they had been brought up and with her nightmares too Ben simply wanted to help her and understand.

It was odd to want to understand something so obviously terrible but it was a part of the woman he loved. There was no changing it and with that came talking about the things that hurt the most. Ben watched her roll her head into his shoulder, there were days when he could hardly believe she had stuck around with him and that night. It was one of those wonder moments. Ben thought she was about to explain when her words were cut off, he was trying not to push but he simply wanted to help no matter how painful that was.

When her hand rested over the top of his scars he tried to hide his wince. It never hurt but he could remember the pain like it was yesterday, the scars were the reminders of what had happened in life and there was no getting away from it. As much as Stephanie’s were a part of her, his were a part of him. “No you’re right, no one should but we have.” He said as he wrapped his arms around her a little tighter when he felt her start to tremble. Her pleading and sounding scared was so unlike her as he hushed her softly.

“I just want to help you, to understand what it is.” He said wishing that he could take it all away for her, to just make things better. Ben stared at the ceiling for a moment as he took a breath. “The day I got burned... that was the day I lost everything.” He explained trying his best to be as calm about those words as possible though he felt himself tighten his hold on her slightly as he stared into the darkness.

[Stephanie Taylor]

[attr="class","tomhov"]

TAG
Benjamin Taylor

NOTES

Stephanie leaned her head on his chest, listening to his heart beat trying to keep herself calm. She’d learned to recognize the signs when something was wrong. At least if it was mild, she’d learned what worked and what didn’t. Her breathing kept rhythm with his as it slowed down a bit.

Getting Stephanie to talk was like pulling teeth. She’d talk if approached in the right way. She’d open up on her own time though. She kept Stephanie time. If she didn’t want to talk about it she put it in a nice neat pile for later and found 900 other things to talk about. Right now it just so happened to be blonde super models. “Yes, well I am not going blonde for you Gopher” she grumbled.

Phantom pains. Stephanie had heard about them, but luckily she didn’t get them. Withdrawing her hand as he winced she calmed down just being held. Hearing the soft shushing sounds it gave her something to focus on. When he said no one should have to go through it she just cringed. She’d gotten others killed. The memories stung, She lived with the scars. One for each comrade. 5 down her back and 2 on her arm. Stephanie didn’t remember getting out. The other half of her unit came back for her. “I deserved what they did to me!” she was getting angry and aggressive and defensive and temperamental. This is what PTSD did to her, it ate her from the inside out. Made her too scared to sleep.

“This...This is what my life has done to me. This is what I have done to myself!!” Guilty, she’d always felt guilty about it. This was also Stephanie trying to push him out. She pushed everyone away, no matter how much she cared about them. It was what she did. It was her defense mechanism when something hurt. It was clear to see she was just building walls. The problem was Ben was letting her build them.

Feeling his hold tighten more on her the realization set in that he was just as scared as she was but for different reasons. It takes one to really understand was. Even if Stephanie built her own walls, she was always there for everyone else. It was just how she was. Others could be saved, she saw herself as beyond repair. Her hand came to the side of his face. “Benjamin. I’m right here and I am not going anywhere.” Okay so she sounded like the advice she herself needed; but she’d gone off on a tangent, and not exactly a constructive one.

STEPHANIE HARRIS
HEY NUTCASE! STOP BITING THE COMMAND STAFF

✿

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[Benjamin Taylor]

Ben had managed to see when Stephanie was far from herself so he was glad to finally hear her breathing slow down a bit. He knew that talking was never her strong suit but then at some point it had to be, he just had to figure out the right way to go about it. Trial and error which in turn meant arguments and headaches of doing the wrong thing over and over again until he found the right way to do it. Ben frowned when she mentioned not going blonde for him, he was glad of it as thinking of her with blonde hair was strange.

“Aww are you sure about that? Blonde could be a good colour on you.” He said with a grin, yes that was not true but then teasing her about it a little might be better than pushing her to talk to him. Last time it had not worked so what made him think this time it would so he was glad for the conversation to turn to something a lot more frivolous. “What about blonde highlights?” He suggested with another grin, no anything that changed her from who she was in his mind was bad blonde or not.

No one ever deserved to be hurt, life had other ideas about it but Ben was a firm believer in a plan. He had no idea what sort of plan but if there was no plan beyond his control his own head would explode with the questions about why. He could still clearly remember the day his family had been killed in the fire, the way his own mother blamed him and the day he left knowing there was no changing it and no way back from it. It was then he thought life would turn around when he met Anna and that was short lived though he had Grace and now Stephanie.

When he heard what she said he could hear she was getting angry and aggressive. “You didn’t deserve any of it Stephanie and don’t you even dare believe it.” He said, there was no knowing what truly had happened to her as talking about it. What talking? It was an off limits subject. “Life does a lot of things but you haven’t ever done this to yourself. If you think you have then it means I have too.” He muttered knowing he still had blame for what had happened. Not being fast enough or strong enough or just enough to save anyone that say and that hardly included his previous wife in that either.

Ben tried to smile as he felt her hand at the side of his face, if he let her go then what or worse what if he was fated to do the exact same thing again. Lose someone else he loved to fire, it was the reason he was tough on her and why he reacted the way he did. If she was fast enough, if he could push her enough then she would be invincible or close to it in his head. Fire was an animal and if anyone could beat it, it was the woman who was there with him. “I know, it’s just takes some getting used to.” He said as he decided to turn it right back on her.

“The same goes for you too, you can yell, get angry and do anything you want but I’m not going anywhere either. You can hate me for it or you can talk to me because I’ve a story to tell and this is not a one way street.” He stated deciding that if they both told their stories it would be a lot easier. “Your scars are part of you and knowing the story is part of knowing you.” Ben added softly, he was trying not to be pushy but trying to at least let her know that he was there and not about to run off anywhere.

[Stephanie Taylor]

[attr="class","tomhov"]

TAG
Benjamin Taylor

NOTES

When Ben pouted about the color of her hair she nailed him with the ‘say that again and it’s gonna hurt’ look she had perfected so well over the years. Then Ben started teasing her more about blonde highlights. “I refuse to go around looking like Barbie and Ken” actually now that she thought about it, Benjamin could pass for a Ken doll. No, this conversation had just crossed the line. Cue highlights response. Again the look.

Hearing Ben tell her she didn’t deserve it and arguing against her, it didn’t help. “I let them die! So you’re WRONG!!! I deserved the torture for letting them die!” she was yelling more. Arguing with her never really seemed to go well. He had to be insane to KEEP arguing with her. Stephanie didn’t need this right now. Where was something to throw when you needed it? Clearly no where in reach of the nightstand.

When Ben started throwing things back on her she narrowed eyes. Very few people let her yell and get angry, without turning their backs. Ones that she didn’t considered family weren’t even included in that. But he was pushing her, pushing her to talk. Stephanie hated that. It made her to the opposite, clam up and not talk.

Though Stephanie’s mind was putting things together. As she laid on his chest her thumb rubbed the side of his neck with her thumb. “You lost someone, that’s why just doing my job scares you.” She closed her eyes, he was broken much in the same way she was and it didn't go unnoticed. She’d put that together when she’d been drunk and 4 sheets to the wind. If Ben knew just how many times she had almost given up her job for him. To put his mind at ease, to make things easier for him.

Stephanie knew he only knew about once. But she still thought about it. To be fair, it was on her mind everyday she showed up and that bell went off. When she had been laying in the hospital bed after the fire. If he knew that James had to remind her that she wasn’t a quitter, that Ben just wanted her to be happy… honestly she had no idea how that would be taken. So it went unspoken.

“When I was in the Army, I was a cop. Hostage Rescue. I was a sniper. Used to never really think about how easy it was to pull that trigger.” She gave him a look. “The nightmares sometimes are nothing more than faces. Faces of people I couldn’t think of as people. Then I want on this classified mission and was tortured. The only people I had were my team, and the half I was responsible for were just gone because of my mistake.” Her voice raised as she semi started to yell. “I can’t go back. I can’t change it; but I have to live with that! The more I hear it’s okay and I’m not responsible… the more I see those faces. I survive everyday avoiding things because I know they will set me off!” she paused to take a breathe.

“I can’t just let people into my version of hell. No matter how much they want to understand. It hurts, like throwing salt in a wound.” Stephanie didn’t trust easily either. Very few people could touch her, let alone touch her back or her neck. Stephanie avoided things, she avoided them like the plague. If she could get away without talking about them she would. Right now she was telling him everything but nothing. "There are nights I wake up and have to explain to my son that I'm okay, when in my head I'm not. So he doesn't worry. Talking about it doesn't help! Well in the long run talking did help, but she avoided that hard. It was easier to pretend that it never happened.

STEPHANIE HARRIS
HEY NUTCASE! STOP BITING THE COMMAND STAFF

✿

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[Benjamin Taylor]

When he saw that look he just grinned, “Barbie, well you’d make one awesome blonde Barbie.” He stated as he glanced over her, “It comes with your own Malibu mansion, pink car and just a world of pink. I think I can see that for you, with blonde you of couse.” He teased though thinking he would be like Ken, yeah that guy had teeth that were the unnatural white colour not that Ken was real but then if he was with Stephanie and she was Barbie he would happily be Ken if it meant he was with her.

He was hardly surprised with her arguing but he never wanted her to blame herself for something that in his head was hardly her fault. “I’ve never known you let anyone die Steph, ever. That isn’t the Stephanie Harris I know.” He said keeping his voice calm and low, deciding that telling her anything was off the table so he needed to go about it a different way. Ben had no idea what was going on with her but then getting to what was underneath had never been something they really did with each other. Talking ended in fighting which he could see happening already as he chose to simply not argue the point with her.

If she thought for one minute that narrowed eyes was going to make him back off then no, he had other ideas. He might have stopped arguing a certain point but he was staying where he was and not turning his back on her. All he wanted was to help her and understand what was going on in her head the best he could. No one could ever truly understand but knowing went a long way he thought, knowing could lead to understanding and understanding could lead to a while other way of thinking about things.

Ben froze the moment he heard her say he had lost someone and doing her job scared him. He was hardly moving but he could feel every fibre in his body tense with that sentence. He tried to concentrate on her thumb rubbing the side of his neck though even that became difficult. “Not just someone, my family ... my entire family and not just those that died that day either.” He said not sure how to even begin to explain that shed load of past.

“It scares me to think I can lose you but it makes me proud to watch you work.” He said knowing it was entirely conflicting feelings but then it was true. He was frightened on every call that it could be her last, yes he was annoying in watching out for her but it was done because he was proud of her and he wanted her to get home safe every single call. It was never as simple as he was bull headed male colleague that thought she was never good enough to be there, he knew she was and that scared him more.

When Stephanie finally spoke about the Army he listened to her, sniper he knew that part though he had seen her pull the trigger with surprising and unnerving ease that day at the firehouse. He kept listening when her voice raised and she started to half yell. Ben tried to think of something profound to say, some set of words that might mean something but he fell short of that. He simply lay still and listened to her talk. “The one thing I can understand is how much it hurts.” He said still falling short on exactly how to say the right thing if there even was such a thing.

“I’m not your son Stephanie; I don’t need to be told you are okay because I can see you’re not. I don’t want you to wake up and explain anything, just to talk to help you figure something out or to distract you.” Ben knew that he could distract her but then it still left the problem there to begin with which he just wanted to help her with. “No one can go back, we don’t get do over’s and there’s nothing we can do to change it because if there was I’d be in that line too. It’s never easy to lose people and I can pretend to know the detail of what happened to you but if things were different would the outcome change? Really honestly?” He asked her trying not to argue with her but then he was hardly the greatest at that.

“If you don’t want me to tell you it’s okay I won’t. That was back then and this is now, your version of hell is mine too because marriage is exactly that. Shared, your hell and my hell. Good days and bad ones. Talking might not help now but it might later, I don’t promise to have the answers for you but I promise to be there with you no matter how many faces or nightmares it is.” He said trying not to wonder exactly what had happened on that team and why she would think anything was her fault in the first place.

[Stephanie Taylor]

[attr="class","tomhov"]

TAG
Benjamin Taylor

NOTES

Telling her that she would make an awesome Barbie landed him a look that could curdle milk. "Pink Taylor Pink?" Stephanie mused with a tone that was dripping in dangerous tones. Stephanie hated pink. Well at least it was nice distraction from what was going on in her head. Distractions took her mind off things so she could settle, but it hardly solved anything that was going on behind her wall. The wall she had so diligently built up to keep people out. The one Ben had been chipping away at little by little.

When he told her that he'd never known her to let anyone die, she wanted to fire back with something him hardly knowing anything about her. "I was a g-d dammed sniper! What do you mean I never killed anyone?" He clearly knew nothing about her past, mostly because she kept everyone out. She couldn't explain the mission or the faces. It was a classified mission and she couldn't talk about it. Stephanie felt like running. She felt like getting up and just finding a place to hide. Instead she rolled over on the bed turning her back.

It really just took one to know one. Stephanie was responsible for the death of half a team and multiple other deaths where she didn't have a choice. She knew what losing someone did to someone on the inside. Then he said family and her own mind started flashing around. Vague images of cattle. Stuff was flashing in her head and she just wanted it to stop. She understood losing an entire family. She'd gained a new family but.. those memories were... still there.

"I was adopted when I was six." She just left that statement there. Explaining that she was supposed to die that day too? That her only biological sibling sacrificed himself so she could live? That was hard. "I had a brother." She still hadn't turned over to face Benjamin. She was still angry with him. Angry for making her go through and relive her past. Angry that they were arguing over something that hurt so bad because of some stupid face in her nightmares.

Wait did he just admit to being scared? She rolled over and raised a brow at him. Stephanie could care less if anyone was proud of what she did. That wasn't why she was where she was. She was there because while she was all anger and hurt on the outside, she was all fluffy and cuddly on the inside. Stephanie wanted to be able to see the good in people, but she never took down all the walls in her life long enough. She'd spent the last eleven or so years having to trust her life in the hands of bullets and/or fire. It was hard to trust his in those same instances, so she understood but she didn't yell at him for doing his job. Why was it so different? Why did she have to feel incompetent after every call they went out on.

What was she doing? What were they doing? He hadn't the first clue and he was trying to give her advice. She didn't know what to do with that. She knew he was trying to help. "I can think of a lot of ways things could have been different" she mused. If her parents hadn't died in a stampede. If she'd not found a family who cared for her, if she never went into the Army. So many if's and still so many faces.

Well she could see that Benjamin wasn't Zach. "There is nothing to figure out Ben. Nothing to figure out at all. It's the price I pay for the job I did. It can't be fixed. It will haunt me the rest of my life and I could have prevented that“ If only she had followed orders. If only... so many If's.

"It's classified. Even if I wanted to tell you everything. There is only so much I can say. I was a cop Ben and a good one. Hell I made a better cop than do a firefighter. That was my life, and what I had to go through.. to be looked in the eyes and told you can't do your job anymore because you aren't mentally there. Being a cop, I never wanted that... but after the Army and being told that's what I was going to do, literally until it broke me. I stayed in Chicago. Against my better judgement I tried to start over. Peter made sure I was okay. I've only been out of the Army two years now. I've got a long road ahead of me.“ Stephanie lived with her brother because he was looking out for her. Her alone, was never a good idea. .

The fire department, it gave her a reason to get up and try everyday. Not for herself, but for her family, and for others who needed her. There were still days she was conflicted. Still days she wanted to give up, she'd had them before but having someone worry about her made her want to give up more. Burying her head in the pillow she took deep breathes.

STEPHANIE HARRIS
HEY NUTCASE! STOP BITING THE COMMAND STAFF

✿

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[Benjamin Taylor]

Ben simply chuckled at her look; he tried to give her the same look back though it was lost the minute he started to laugh. “Yes Harris, pink you know that colour, Barbie’s colour. I mean just the thought of you in a pink dress... Phew.” He said as he waved his hand in front of his face like a fan. Her tone said as much that she hated the colour but then short of an argument over it he would tease her forever on the subject. He knew it would never help what was going on but distraction worked for a lot of things.

Ben bit his lip to stop him from answering her back, he knew she was a sniper she was a dangerous woman but that never mattered to him. “Then everyone has killed someone Stephanie, you did what you were ordered to do. Does that mean that when I am ordered to leave a building and there’s that one person inside, I killed them? We follow our orders, it’s not because you enjoyed it or you went off the reservation with it. We do our jobs.” He stated trying to make his point in the calmest way possible but it was proving more and more difficult as the time passed.

He never dared to try to pull her back to face him though he could hardly believe she had turned her back on him. Ben knew what losing people did, he had left his home, his town and his family had left him. To day he had a string of jobs previous to the fire department was an understatement and it had taken the possibility of a new life to settle him down. That was until it too had been taken by something he had done, he knew Grace had no blame in anything but Ben was partially responsible in his own head.

There had been a child and the on the day the child was born he lost his wife and yet again he had started over in Chicago. Losing people was a feeling he was all too familiar with despite the fact that he never wanted to go through that again. Ben simply lay there silently, he would wait for her to talk about things for as long as it took as pushing for it was having the opposite effect to what he thought. When she spoke about being adopted it explained a lot about the Harris family and Peter though he looked over to her when she said she had a brother.

He could see that she was facing the other way though two things he had not known before were now out there. It was a step in any direction. When he admitted he was scared, well he had never had anyone else look out for him before for anyone else to be scared and for years Grace was far too young to understand what his job was. To her it was all lights and sirens and lots of fun, the danger and worry that came with it was a far throw from things in general.

Ben was really trying though nothing he was saying seemed to help at all. “Me too, for one if my house hadn’t closed then I’d never have had the best first day ever.” He stated trying to cheer her up a little, he knew that a lot could have changed or been different but life never worked like that. If it did he could make changes from the very beginning though life now, he had to admit was better than he had ever though which made thinking of changing it tougher.

“Could have? What is done is done Stephanie, the could have’s are way past. Just let people in to help you.” He said trying not to be forceful about it but then if she insisted on blaming herself for things was could he honestly do. At the mention of classified he knew there was no knowing what actually happened to her though the more he listened to her the more he was finding out. Piece by piece things were making a little more sense than they had done a day ago.

“Okay see I’ve never been told that I cant do my job but to me you are mentally there. You couldn’t be a fire-fighter without being so you’re obviously making progress. See I keep hearing this I... don’t get me wrong it is you but there are others around you that are willing to help you. The long road isn’t just for you; I’d go down it with you no matter what. You make a damn good fire-fighter, one I am glad to have watching my back and don’t you dare forget that.” He said knowing that she was or he would have told her just as much.

“You stayed in Chicago and you started over, just like I did. You’re not broken Stephanie far from it but you need to let people in to help you. I’ve learned more about you in the last five minutes than the last year.” He said trying to let her see that no matter what he was going to be there unless she killed him for talking about pink things.

[Stephanie Taylor]

[attr="class","tomhov"]

TAG
Benjamin Taylor

NOTES

Stephanie's hand came to a pressure point in his neck teasingly, she didn't push but her glare could pierce through anything he offered. "Take it back" she demanded before she found herself challenging him eyes level with his. She held the glare long enough to make her point so she hoped but she then she settled on his chest. Why was he trying to counter everything that was said? Then again if he didnt? She would be wondering what happened.

Going off the reservation? Was he serious? She'd been off the reservation plenty of times in the past. She was KNOWN for that. Hell, the two of them had gone off the reservation together on his first day at the firehouse. Or did he forget about the fact they had burnt the book on firehouse etiquette. His last words of we do our jobs struck home. Yeah well sometimes doing their jobs wasn't easy.

Stephanie buried her face and just cried. He was trying to understand and he couldn't understand and she wasn't explaining and the lack of communicating it wasn't helping. Now she was more frustrated. A turned back to him meant she had enough trust in him. Though she still had her back to him she scooted towards him and pulled his arm around her. Stephanie couldn't force him to understand. There was no magic button that would make things better.

"I can't lose anyone else Ben. Not even to themselves and I couldn't live with myself if I knew I was the reason for it." She shook her head. "My only brother gave his life up after I watched my parents die so that I could be here" she closed her eyes. "I know what that feels like to be the one out of control. I've watched my best friend hit rock bottom. I've seen what it does to people." She was talking but she wasn't really keeping herself together. What if something happened? Ben was right.

Stephanie was scared of the commitment too, scared that if something happened to one of them or one of the kids, what were they putting them through. Stephanie was afraid. Twisting her bracelet she was fidgetting. "I love you too much to let you lose me" she admitted. She twisted the bracelet anytime she was questioning her career choice. It almost felt like she had to make a commitment to one and not the other. One she didn't want to make. "I don't want to do something that you hate."

Stephanie didn't do well with letting people in. Now she was finding herself having to let Ben in if they were going to get anywhere. She rolled over to face him and rested her head on his shoulder. Stephanie was scared to care so much about someone with which she was going to make a commitment. She was the type to keep a promise no matter how much it ate her up inside. She just laid with her head on his shoulder. How could she explain without... oh it was going to be a long night.

"I never graduated high school. I got my GED. I went into the army to support Zach. I lied to my parents about how I got pregnant. The army put me through college. I don't trust cops. I'm terrified of needles. I love to hike and run. Sunflowers bring a smile to my face. I don't drink and I get in fights for all the wrong reasons." She knew he knew some of it but then some of it was new. Hiking, runnning, drinking, and fighting were the well known ones. The others all kind of went hand in hand with coming out to those she was closest to.

Her hand traveled over his chest, if he knew how broken she really was he wouldn't be saying that. The PTSD was an uphill battle everyday, even with treatment she needed someone to be there. "Sometimes you can't start over. You have to just keep going." Keep going and hope you had someone at your side to pick you up when you fell. Sliding up she locked lips with his. Anything to keep from having to talk more.

STEPHANIE HARRIS
HEY NUTCASE! STOP BITING THE COMMAND STAFF

✿

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[Benjamin Taylor]

Ben gulped lightly as he saw the glare he was sure could terrify people more than any action could do. “Okay I take it back, you are gorgeous just the way you are.” He said with a grin, “I wouldn’t change a thing.” Blonde or brunette there was never going to be anything he wanted to change about her because he knew if he did then Stephanie would be far from the woman he loved. When she settled he was glad of it, he knew he did the opposite of her and countered everything but it was the way he was.

With words Ben was next to useless in life, how he had managed to keep Stephanie around after the things he said was a miracle at times. Their jobs were never easy and he had no idea how difficult hers had been. The entire point was to do their best or at least he thought it was, if he could walk away at the end of the day and know he had done his best then no one could ever ask anymore of him or it. He simply wished that Stephanie could see that orders were just that, risks were there but if it was her job to do then she had done it.

Ben was trying to understand though he knew he had been far off the minute she buried her face and cried. When she pulled his arm around her he sighed trying to be supportive and understand but it was a world he had never been in. “I’m trying to understand Stephanie.” He explained, “I just want you to know there’s no guilt in doing your job, you did it and I can only imagine how many lives you saved doing it.” He knew taking a life to save one or more was never easy but then how many people would it have taken before the bad guys were caught.

“You won’t Stephanie, life is a risk but you’ve got to take that risk or it’s not a life at all.” He knew what it was like losing people, the feeling of not wanting to lose anyone else but life could be a cruel task master and he knew better than most that loss was part of life. “You’ve seen someone else hit rock bottom so I’ve every faith that you won’t. I won’t let you get anywhere near that.” He stated knowing he would be there doing all he could to stop her from hitting anything as hard as rock bottom.

He could hear the fidgeting with the bracelet. It was work related, it always was when the bracelet was twisted. “I don’t want to lose you either, I love you too much for that.” He said though when she spoke about doing something that he hated he knew she was talking about work. He knew it was his own paranoia to own though he found it hard to hide the worry. “I don’t hate anything you do, I love that you’re a fire-fighter. You’ve no idea how proud I was when you made squad but I’m going to ask you something.” He said seriously.

He had no idea if in a year’s time where they would be but he wanted to be sure of something. “I want you to promise me something and I’ll make you the same promise.” He said knowing it was the worst of the worst but then he never broke his promises no matter what it was. “Promise me you’ll do something safer if... if the worst happens. For the kids?” He asked knowing it was big ask but then if he never made it home one day then he wanted to be sure that someone was around for Grace and Zach.

Letting people in hurt, those he had he had managed to lose and those he trusted he was terrified of losing. He had never cared as much for anyone as he did her and that was frightening in itself. Ben knew he had a lot to explain but then when was the right time or what was the right way to say it without looking like a terrified child trying to work it out as he went. He listened to what she said as she spoke about school and the army. It was until she spoke about lying to her parents he tried to push it to the back of his mind as he tried to remember about the sunflowers, hiking and cops.

He gazed at her feeling her hand travel over his chest; he was a believer in starting over. Years ago when he just arrived in Chicago he might not have believed it but now he knew that moving on took time. The minute she locked lips with him he forgot what he was going to ask her about, kissing her was easy to do and for a moment he was lost in it until he pulled away. “Then you keep going with me. I told you I will be there no matter what, you can yell at me or scream at me but I won’t let you go through any of it on your own.” He said out of the blue, “I might not understand all the time but I’ll try to. Though what do you mean you lied to your parents about Zach?” He asked not entirely sure he understood.

[Stephanie Taylor]

[attr="class","tomhov"]

TAG
Benjamin Taylor

NOTES

It had taken Stephanie a while to take compliments without complaint but she still gave him a look. Right, he was entitled to that now wasn't he? That was his thing, she was vast getting used to them; but he was the only one allowed to get away with that. Anything else would have been... difficult. The two were just opposites, and it was part of that and she had just come to accept it.

No guilt in doing her job? No guilt because people were grieving for loved ones they would NEVER get back again because she HAD to do her job? She couldn't just bring people back from the dead. What about half of her team she'd gotten killed because she was following orders? Then what? It wasn't black and white, and it still hurt. "I don't even want you to understand Ben. I don't even want you to have to feel this pain." No. it was a lifelong burden that she had to face every night.

Stephanie went quiet as she listened to Ben. He was right in some ways and some things she wanted to argue with him on. At least she knew he wouldn't let her hit rock bottom. Theoretically her siblings would be the only thing stopping her from hitting rock bottom. But what would stop Ben from hitting rock bottom? No she didn't want the answer to that.

Stephanie picked up on things, she was sharp and observant and she remembered everything she heard. Phonographic memory was her worst nightmare at times. How many times they'd had this conversation about her job... she'd lost track. No she really did have no idea how proud he was, because all she could feel was the worry seeping off of him when they argued. But she didn't do her job to make people proud of her.

Stephanie kept promises, no matter how much they hurt to keep she did that. "I promise" though she didn't want to think about that and right now she just wanted to run. Run some place so she could fall apart. It was never that easy. Grace had never known her mother and Zach had never known his father. Losing Stephanie or Ben wasn't an option for either of them and Stephanie knew it. Stephanie bit her tongue and closed her eyes. She didn't want to think about this.

There was a chortle, Ben understand this hell in her head? No thanks. Why couldn't she just lay here and try to forget about it? Why was it an issue? Distractions were her escape and she was perfectly content to let him distract her from the conversaton. Except cue backtracking. Burying her head as he spoke, whatever it was clearly bugged her.

"What do you mean you lied to your parents about Zach?" Oh if that wasn't the biggest loaded question that could possibly circumvent the room. Who dropped an elephant out of the ceiling? "I don't want to talk about it" she had brought it up but hadn't realized he was going to latch onto it. "It was thirteen years ago, it doesn't matter now" she pointed out. "I was just scared to tell them what really happened." No, she liked her dad and siblings out of jail and she certainly wasn't going to unload on Ben he'd probably have the guy shanked in prison.

Right now she'd rather have the distraction he'd just pulled away from. She closed her eyes and took a few deep breathes. It was in that moment, she'd wished she'd never woken up. But when Steph was awake, she was awake. She raised up out of the bed and padded into the kitchen to go make some tea. Though she leaned on the wall with her back to the bedroom and just tried to collect herself. It was going to be a long night. She knew that before she'd even left the bedroom. Stephanie filled up the tea kettle and as she shut the faucet off leaned over it taking a few deep breaths.

STEPHANIE HARRIS
HEY NUTCASE! STOP BITING THE COMMAND STAFF

✿

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