These confessions are my nightmares

[Benjamin Taylor]

Compliments he could give her all day, beautiful, smart, sexy, funny were simply some of them though when he saw the look he knew that she was still not exactly all for it. He often wondered how they even managed to make things work when they were so opposite to each other, even the basic morning and night though there was nothing he would ever change about her at all. She was who she was and he loved her for it none the less, in his eyes Stephanie was perfect just the way she was.

“Well that isn’t your choice, I want to understand and pain doesn’t matter to me. If I can share it then it might be better for you.” He said knowing he would take any amount of pain she had just to make her feel better or help. He had no idea what it was like to take a life, he knew what it was to lose one and to lose them in the efforts of doing his job. Orders were just that and the command was to be followed unless it was extremely out of line though Ben never had a time where he had entirely disagreed with a choice.

In their world a choice was made and it was done, it might go wrong but that was the game they played with every single call they went on. After his wife had died Ben found his one reason for picking himself up every morning and getting out of bed was Grace. She had been his reason to keep himself from completely falling to pieces because she had no one else. No family to fall back on, no one it was just the two of them until Stephanie and now he had two very good reasons to get up which now became three with Zach too.

Ben was relieved to hear her promise, he knew she kept them and for that he was thankful. At least the kids had someone if the worst was to happen. He knew he had already amended his paperwork to include Stephanie and Zach because hanging around on things like that was never good. He had seem others do it and then there was always that one call where things changed forever. “Then I’m just asking for one more promise.” He said not sure if he was going to regret it or not but he would try none the less. “Promise you’ll never quit this job.” He asked knowing that if she did he knew it would be entirely his fault for that.

Shaking his head at her chortle he sighed, “I’m being serious here.” He said though he was trying to understand he knew he might not get all of it, distractions he could do but right then he was trying to help and distractions would just hide what it was. At the mention of not wanting to talk he knew he had hit a nerve, his head was still tired as he was struggling to understand what could possibly be bad enough not to tell her parents. “No, don’t do this it does matter.” He said knowing she had brought it up so there had to be a reason for it.

Ben lay there for a few moments when Stephanie raised up out of bed and went into the kitchen. He rolled over to take a look at the clock as he had his answer why his mind was far from working. It was what time? Turning his clock over he made his way into the kitchen quietly in time to see her leaning over the faucet taking deep breaths. Ben blinked a few times as he ran a hand over his face in an effort to wake himself up a little more. This was not one of those conversations he wanted to have half asleep.

He moved over to the sink as he turned his back to it and leaned against it facing out into the room. “You can tell me, I won’t judge.” He said still not fully understanding what was almost being said. “I don’t want you to feel like you can’t talk to me. If you want to keep it to yourself then that's okay but there's nothing you can tell me that will make me change my mind about you. Okay, well unless you're married already but other than that there's nothing.” He stated hoping that it would at least make her see that he was there and not about to run off.

[Stephanie Taylor]

[attr="class","tomhov"]

TAG
Benjamin Taylor

NOTES

When he said it wasn't her choice she glared. There was a long stare at Ben for a moment. "Since when have I had a my ability to choose taken away from me?" Oh that made her angry. She was her own person and she was trying to protect him, that and talking about it always hurt more than burying it. Trying to get him to understand, that was off the table. No she apparently wasn't her own person anymore and didn't have the ability to choose anything. Whatever happy distraction she had earlier was gone.

Stephanie had any dozen reasons to come back from her calls. That came with a large family. Stephanie pulled away. She was angry, and now she didn't want to be touched. Stephanie backhanded Ben across the face and hard. "Don't you EVER tell me that I can or cannot make my own decisions" She hardly heard what he said about making another promise. Steph was on the verge of tears. But her face remained simply angry.

Stephanie was a very independent woman who kept promises she made. Grabbing her jacket off the back of the chair she headed out in front of the driveway away from everything. Did it matter that it was the middle of the night. No. No it didn't. Chicago was below freezing near 28F (-2C) in temperature on that particular night.

Where did Ben get off, asking her to make promises after he had just offended her. Anything else he had to say was falling on deaf ears. Already on the verge of a panic attack she broke into tears as soon as her face hit the outside air and the door was closed behind her. She walked down to the mailbox and sat on the edge of the curb. Her phone was in her jacket pocket. 'You awake?' she texted her brother James. James was the move level headed and wouldn't kill Ben if she decided to talk. Well the least likely. Peter and Ben had JUST smoothed things over. She didn't feel like barking up that tree.

She was twisting her engagement ring around her finger when James' response came in. 'Depends on what you want. Yes. I'm awake. What's up?' Did she blame his sarcasm at 3am absolutely not. Right now she was torn between not wanting to talk and being pushed too much. Part of her debated an apology but she was... 'Love you too. Where does protective stop and controlling start?' Cold tears fell. She glanced back at the house behind her. It was so tempting to just have James come get her.

Right now there was no point in trying to explainherself to Ben until she got her head on straight. 'You know I'm messing. And that's an interesting topic for the middle of the night. it's a fine line, and oftentimes open to interpretation. Why'd ya ask' Stephanie held out her phone and played with the casing as she debated how she wantd to answer that.

STEPHANIE HARRIS
HEY NUTCASE! STOP BITING THE COMMAND STAFF

✿

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[Benjamin Taylor]

The minute that long stare happened he knew he had said something wrong, if it was a guy thing or just a him thing that stare was enough to have him thinking over his words. He gave her a funny look when she spoke about her ability to chose, never she chose things he knew that. Ben was about to make a comment about women not listening to what he was trying to say though it was hardly the right time for that. He had meant that she was unable to chose for him what he knew and what was kept from him, it was what he should have said but between himself and the late or early hour depending on your view. His mouth had formed words with entirely a different meaning to them.

Ben simply wanted to understand though he had his own mind to choose what he wanted to know and what he did not. It was simple to him, it hurt her and he was far from understanding with a story that had pieces missing. It was like eating a sandwich; sure the bread made it but with no filling was it really a sandwich? When she pulled away he knew that it was a mistake and yet before he could open his mouth to fix it he felt the backhand across his face. For a woman he could have sworn she hit like a man as he winced and turned his face away.

Ben turned to look at her when he was sure a second hit was less likely though her face showed she was angry. He debated following her outside when he realised he had no jacket as he went to find his. It was too early to be thinking about where he had left things as he searched for a jumper to pull on before he went to the front door. He could still feel the sting on his face as he tried to figure out how he could put right what she had said until it finally sank into his head. She really thought he was that controlling that she was unable to make her own decisions?

He knew his words had failed and given the wrong impression but she really thought he would do that to her? The more he thought about it the anger he got as he found himself pacing by the front door. Did he leave her out there and simply go back to bed, if he did would she still be there in the morning? Perhaps Grace had been right, he did always screw things up and this time it was hardly an I’m sorry moment to fix things. The more he thought about it the less he knew what to do to fix any of it as he grabbed his keys and stuffed them into his pocket before shoving his feet into a pair of his untied boots.

Ben felt angry and sorry for what he had said as he threw the door open before realising that others were asleep in the house. Not his brightest moment though he shut it quietly as he made his way over the drive way and to the kerb. It took him a few moments to register how cold it was outside as he could feel himself shiver. If there was any hope of sleep left it had just left the minute that biting cold hit him. He took a breath though that was far worse than feeling the cold as it felt like his insides had just taken an icy blast too.

His face still stung but the one bonus of being outside was that everything else did too. Chicago cold was something else entirely. “I’ve never told you that you cannot make your own decisions so don’t you dare lay that at my door.” He stated firmly deciding he was too tired and cold to really hold back anything. “What I meant to say was it wasn’t your choice to make that choice for me, if I don’t want to know I’ll tell you but you can’t make that decision for me. How can you expect me to understand when you don’t talk to me about anything?” They were arguing and he was tired, well it was about as bad as it was going to get.

“I am ready to tell you everything about my life, of all people I thought you’d understand that but yes there are things I’m not sure I want you to know but then it’s your choice if you want me to tell you or not. I want to marry you Stephanie but you accuse me of trying to take away your ability to choose when I’ve never done that and never will.” He said as he tried to mellow himself in the efforts of trying to get her to go back inside where it was at least warm. “Just come back inside and we can talk before we freeze to death and wake up the entire street?” He offered not sure if she would take it but then if they stayed out he was sure he would turn into an ice cube.

[Stephanie Taylor]

[attr="class","tomhov"]

TAG
Benjamin Taylor

NOTES
Texting is courtesy of Britt

Stephanie had buried her cellphone in her pocket once Ben came outside. What Ben didn't understand was Stephanie was just hurting, when she hurt she lashed out. He'd poked something that hurt her and he'd poked it hard. Sometimes it was just better to wait for her to talk. "It is my choice to decide whether I want to put MY pain at your door." She sighed, "It's your choice to leave the door open or not. I'm not going to deny that. I'm not ready to face that again!" she retorted. Stephanie had to be ready to face it.

"That day in the firehouse. The day you got shot. I killed someone Benjamin! I have to live with that. I don't regret it! But I sure as HELL will protect you from the pain that comes with the decision I made. It's not your choice if I want to share those feelings or not. You can WANT to understand until the cows come home. I don't WANT to feel that pain again. That's not your choice. It's mine. Mine alone." It wasn't just the day at the firehouse she had when it came to the pain of killing another person. That had been her job once upon a time. she turned to face him over her shoulder. Her phone buzzed in her pocket but she ignored it.

"We all have our skeletons but you are safe from this hell inside my head. Don't push me to talk about it. I'm not ready. I'm just not ready" she resolved as she felt the tears sting in the icy Chicago night. Sometimes she just needed someone there who had enough patience to keep her on the straight and narrow until she was ready to talk. Getting her to talk, took a finesse at time but it was far from the way he was going about it.

"When you are ready to talk about your past my door is just as open as yours is; but I'm not going to push you into talking. Ever. I'm only asking for the same." She sighed when he said he thought she might understand. "I do understand. I understand what it means to lose people, to kill people, to have to make people not human, to watch the life leave their face because of my own decisions. Because those were my orders. That was my job Benjamin. It wasn't yours. For that I am thankful. It keeps my faith in humanity. That there is some good out there. Some innocence." She was talking through her tears.

Stephanie held up her left hand. "You see this. This is me making a commitment. The longest commitment I will ever make in my life." She knew he had to explain, had to get at least that much out. "I'm scared of that. What if I screw things up? What if something happens you? Family is everything to me. I might have three quarters of a dozen siblings but that's not who I am spending the rest of my life with. You are." She pointed out. Stephanie could have very easily taken her ring off, gave up on them right then and there. But she was fighting because she didn't give up on promises.

"I lied to my parents because I was raped. I couldn't face them with the truth. It would shatter them. I let them make their own conclusions. I just never denied the conclusions but nor did I confirm them either. I was a year older than Grace. I have four older brothers and a dad. I've been through things, I have seen things, I have done things. Things I am not proud of, things that scare the hell out of me, things that bring me to lowest. I keep going. The battle is never for myself and it's never an easy road. You are the second person I trust enough to start opening up to, I don't want to go backwards. I don't." Her voice trembled in between the tears.

Ben had worn her down and broke through to her. Opened up raw wounds and drilled through the wall, but with her the hole was temporary. It did more damage to the inside. She was likely to seal it up later. Taking panicked breathes she just sat on the curb and cried. When he asked her to go inside... she just glanced at the door. Then back to the spot at her feet. Hugging her knees she tightened up into a ball. Stephanie heard her phone vibrate again in her pocket. She picked it and stared at the screen. 'Where are you now?' She sighed. It was followed with 'Do I need to come get you?' Stephanie text back. 'Driveway' and 'Is that a standing offer? Text you soon' she wanted to think about it. Wanted to see if she could settle down.

STEPHANIE HARRIS
HEY NUTCASE! STOP BITING THE COMMAND STAFF

✿

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[Benjamin Taylor]

Ben nodded; he could understand that at least. When she felt ready she would talk though he hated to see whatever it was hurt her in the mean time. If he left it be then he felt as he was no longer trying to help her, as if he was simply letting it go and leaving her to deal with everything herself which he never wanted her to. “I’m always here and the door is always open no matter what Stephanie. Any time, any where.” He said knowing that to be true, after all he was stood outside in the freezing cold in the middle of what he considered to be night.

Not the time he knew well because he wanted to be there for her. He remembered that day at the fire house like it was yesterday; he still hesitated at times going through those doors. Not to the point of stopping just dropping a step or two. “I know you did and it’s my fault you did it. That hurts knowing it was my fault that you feel that pain. I just want to help to make it stop for you and talking is the only way I know. It’s your choice Stephanie but you know you’re not alone in it, you’ve got family, Zach, Grace and me and we all just want to help.” He said knowing that the kids were likely to not exactly understand it but then kids knew a lot more than he gave them credit for. Grace had taught him that much already.

“I won’t push you Stephanie, that’s it I promise I won’t push you anymore.” He said seeing her tears as he knew he had done that to her. Trying to help and make things better and he had just made the woman he loved cry because he was pushing for something that she was hardly ready for. Listening to her talking through her tears it was tough to hear, tough to understand what had gone on for her though he knew that talking was long gone. “There’s a lot of good and innocence Stephanie, took me a long time to see it but its there if we look for it.” He said trying to be positive about it all, the good was out there just sometimes tough to see.

It was ironic that she was scared of commitment, the last time he had made that sort of commitment to them he had kill them. Family had killed the person he loved and now Stephanie was admitting to being scared. “You’re scared of screwing things up? Haven’t you learned anything from me, I’m the one most likely to do that you know me I always put my foot in it somehow. You’re the only person to reads through it and can understand me.” He said knowing it to be true, yes his words never came out right every time and so far most of the arguments were started because of him.

“If something happens then it does, none of us can control it. Trust me I’ve tried to.” Ben knew all too well he had tried to, if it was telling Stephanie not to do something or banning Grace from a sleep over since the last one had gone so well. All it had shown was that there was no control to be had over things. “Family is everything to me too, you are the one person I want to spend the rest of my life with and I can’t think of anything scarier and anything more brilliant and wonderful than that. I wouldn’t want it to be any other way.” He said trying his best to be honest with her without screwing it up like he had done earlier.

Ben could feel the blood drain from his face the minute she mentioned she was raped; he really did have no idea about her past. A year older than his own daughter was no age to go through something like that, in fact any age was no age for that. He tried to think of something to say but what could he say to her about that, what possible words were there to make any of that better. “I’d never ask you to go backwards and I won’t let you fall or let you hit rock bottom on anything. Trust me to be there because that ring is my promise to do so, even if you don’t want me to be there. You know I have a habit of not listening.” He said trying to smile though with what she had told him he found it difficult.

To hear her voice tremble and see the tears it was never what he wanted, “Thank you for telling me, I can’t imagine how difficult that is for you.” He said as he watched her glance at the door then to the spot at her feet. Ben waited until she had finished her text before he decided that freezing to death was hardly the best idea. Upset and warm was better than upset and frost bite. He had no idea who she was texting he just hoped Peter was away from the phone. He had just managed to get onto good terms with him.

Ben leant down as he picked Stephanie up wrapping his arms around her. “I’m sorry Stephanie.” He said knowing he had a lot to be sorry for as he carried her back into the house where it was at least warm. He was sorry for pushing her, sorry for what she had been through and sorry that he had been a complete idiot about a lot of things. Especially about Zach and the answer to his question had never crossed his mind once. It was one of those things he found too tough to think about until she had confirmed it for him and now all he wanted to do was to hug her and make her feel better any way he could.

[Stephanie Taylor]

[attr="class","tomhov"]

TAG
Benjamin Taylor

NOTES
Well then Steph...

Stephanie knew that Ben meant what he was saying, she got up and came over snuggling up into his arms. Head resting on his chest as she rocked back and forth. She relaxed some but hearing Ben blaming himself because she was being protective? No that didn't sit well with her. 'Don't start another fight Stephanie. It's not worth it' but she wanted to rip that thought from his head. Her fingers played at the hem of his shirt. He knew pain but he still knew innocence. It was hard to love your opposite sometimes. Oil and Water, Night and Day, Yin and Yang; whatever your term for it, that was Stephanie and Benjamin.

No one could have stopped that. Saving Ben meant taking a life and she'd made a decision. HER decision. Would she have felt any better about things if Ben had bled to death that day? Absolutely not. She almost wanted to hurl those words at Ben but she was too broken down to fight right now. What point was there in trying to make him feel any worse than he was already feeling? The only issue with breaking Stephanie to the point of not fighting back was that she would build up resentment later. Close off. Steph was alone in a world that she chose to be in alone. It wasn't just that day in the bay she'd killed someone; but it was the only one she could use as an example where he could even begin to understand.

“When I look at you, I still see the innocent. The people who have never pulled a trigger, it's in their eyes. You deserve to keep that Ben. Please? ” She paused a moment, not sure how she wanted to say the next part. She could always talk to people who have been there before. Those who had pulled a trigger before, she had a brother who understood. But she didn't want to make Ben think she was turning away from him on this. What was she supposed to say? "It plays with the mind more than I ever want you to realize." She swallowed her words as he started in on screwing things up. Oh if he only knew. Stephanie was more a master a screwing things up than he was, at least his only had short term consequences.

Stephanie looked at him. Telling him what happened. "There is a lot I can't say, our mission was classified. I can tell you that two years ago everything spiraled out of control. I was in a bunker. Half the team was under my command. I still see their faces. The explosion. Some nights it's like I can reach out and touch it. Other times it's a pile of faces. I screwed up that day. I let people down. It got them killed. I failed psych evaluation after psych evaluation. Listened to people tell me that I wasn't right in the head. I was discharged. Forced to get help. Just before I applied to the Fire department, I applied with the Chicago police. I failed the psych evaluation there. I passed the one for the fire department by the skin of my teeth." She sighed and just cried. Stephanie couldn't explain how helpless being tortured while she was POW felt but she knew he had seen the scars. Scars that reminded her everyday that she'd lived while the others didn't.

“Sometimes we fight, but I don't deserve you Ben, I don't. You show me the good in everything. You keep me fighting for that. Remind me that there is still something that is worth fighting the battle.” The wind was picking up and she shivered all the way down her spine. Stephanie was starting to want to go back inside. "It's hard to sleep when it's dark. The faces come easier. I feel safer when the sun comes up" Yeah well in her own head it made sense because the bunker had been attacked at night. Fingers traced his lips as she realized she was confiding in him. He'd got what he wanted, he wanted her to talk; well here she was, talking.

Stephanie's past was probably one of the best kept secrets. Her siblings knew bits and pieces, but not really any of the stuff that hurt the most. Her oldest brother knew of the military torment she carried, that was where she first had reached out for help when she needed to know she wasn't crazy. "I may have gone out drinking the other night" Stephanie wasn't one to usually drink. "I was trying to drown memories. Mistakes. I feel like I am already headed that way." She admitted. True James had sobered her up before dropping her back home. "It was that morning I said I was going home after shift." She had every intention of going home that day and sleeping but she'd ended up at a bar before noon.

Sympathy is exactly what she didn't want. She felt her teeth digging into her bottom lip as he apologized. She had been the one to hit him and he was the one apologizing?? When they got back inside she wiggled free to get an ice pack for his face and pushed him down onto the couch. Laying beside him she cuddled back up to his chest. "I'm the one who should be apologizing?" it was a question. Honestly? She didn't remember slapping him. Though as she put the pieces back together, she could only deduce that he had not slapped himself. Confusion was replaced with guilt. An apology didn't seem like enough. Why had she slapped him? No she couldn't even answer that... They were right, she was psychologically damaged, and clearly her memory cells too.

STEPHANIE HARRIS
HEY NUTCASE! STOP BITING THE COMMAND STAFF

✿

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[Benjamin Taylor]

That day at the fire house was an eye opener as to what Stephanie could do, he had heard her talk a little but until that day her carrying a weapon was just something he thought she was joking about. He was glad of it but still knowing that she had a killed someone, added to her upset with that action was on him. There was no other way to put it, he had been stupid enough to go through those doors and he had paid for it not just in being shot but seeing someone he loved do that.

“Okay, I’m not the one to pull the trigger but that won’t stop me from trying to help and understand. I might not have the answers but I can still try?” He asked wanting her permission to at least keep trying to understand what she was going through. Until he actually shot a person he doubted he could ever fully understand it but then going out and shooting a person was hardly high on his list of things to do. “Want or not, I can see it in you Stephanie. Your mind is what matters and you know I’d do anything to help you through it.” Ben was trying to understand something that was as far out of his wheel house as something could be.

Ben paused to listen to her tell him about the classified mission or at least the parts she could tell him. “But you passed it and trust me they don’t just let anyone into the fire department.” He said knowing a few fire-fighters that he would have thrown out himself if he had been able to. Stephanie was not one of those and he was hardly saying it because he loved her. He was being honest about it. There was no one he would rather have watching his back than her because he trusted her to do it. If the police department had said no to her then that was their loss and the fire departments gain.

“No one is right in the head Stephanie, you’re not broken or a failure you simply think differently than others do. Besides what if they did a psych evaluation of those of us now who passed that thing years ago? How many of us would pass it? Skin of your teeth or not the fire department couldn’t have been luckier in gaining you as one of their own. Stuff the PD, they don’t know what they are missing.” He said trying to make her feel better though what he was saying was truth in his own mind. If he had listened to everyone that said he was unfit to look after Grace, the eyes that looked at him disapprovingly because he worked a job that meant he might not be back.

If he had listened to every nay sayer then he would never have been in Chicago and he would have a nice safe desk job wishing that he could do what he had trained for. All it took was one person or that one break and Ben had no doubt that Stephanie was more than capable, after all paper and head games were just that. Everyone’s interpretation was different and what did a psych test actually say? There were plenty of them that had the one day where they would fail or that one call that was too much or simply that event in life where the switch was flipped between being able to have a handle on life and not.

Ben grinned when she said they fought, oh they were experts at that as he wondered sometimes how they even worked things out. “You know for a smart person you really don’t see that it’s me who doesn’t deserve you. I’m a lot to put up with and sure we fight but it’s for a reason, because we both care. The good in this is there to see and I know you can see it because if you couldn’t then you wouldn’t fight. There is so much to fight for in life and if I spend the rest of my life fighting with you about it then I couldn’t ask for a better life. Just know you don’t have to fight on your own anymore, you’ve friends and family to do that with you.” Ben was serious about that, she had a big family and now he wanted to be part of her family which meant looking after her no matter what happened.

“Then do you want it to be light all the time? If the dark makes it worse then I’ll turn on every light in the house if it helps you get some sleep.” He offered feeling her fingers trace his lips. She was talking which in his mind was a big step forward, he simply wanted her to know that she could it without any come back. No yelling or arguing just simple talking in the hopes that it would make her feel better or at the very least make things easier to deal with for her.

Ben nodded when she said she had gone out drinking, he was hardly impressed by that as it was slippery road to go down though for one night it was hardly the pattern. He knew normally she would keep away though everyone had a bad day. “It’s okay.” He said trying to be alright about it, “Drowning things never works and you’re not heading down that road because like I said, no one will let you. Family or me.” He explained, “You are too much of a fighter to let this get to you or make you do that.” If she was going to go to a bar then he’d make sure that he was either there with her or trying to pull her back from something like that.

Ben watched her when she wiggled free to get an ice pack and then pushed him down onto the couch. He held her as she cuddled back up to his chest. At her question Ben shook his head, he had pushed her to it and she was only doing what she thought was right. He could hardly say he was a fan of it but then it was his fault. “You’ve nothing to apologise for Stephanie, nothing at all. It’s my fault what happened and I’m sorry for it. I should have listened to you but I thought I was helping it just didn’t turn out that way.” He explained glad that they were back inside where it was a lot warmer. “Can you forgive me for it?” He asked her knowing that it was a lot to ask of a person but he knew not to push as much next time.

[Stephanie Taylor]

[attr="class","tomhov"]

TAG
Benjamin Taylor

NOTES

Stephanie always carried, after the Army and the assault and everything else she just carried. It made her feel safer, and as she had shown the threat was real at times. Stephanie had killed many people before pulling throwing her knife that day. Had it been her that walked through those doors who was to say she wouldn’t have been the one with the bullet. That was the flaw in his logic. Sometimes she just wished things were a little simpler than they were made out to be.

“Benjamin it’s like teaching a pig to fly. You toss it off the roof all you want to, but it’s not going to sprout wings.” What part was he missing about it being a feeling only certain people could understand. It was the reason for a lot of her nightmares, so many of the faces. “I’ve got a handle on it. I’ve gotten this far” she pointed out. Granted she’d gotten here because she had people who understood. Her hand gently took the ice pack and moved it to where she had smacked him. She was hard to handle when she’d get so far into her own head.

Most cops didn’t set out to be firefighters or vis versa, and truth be told Stephanie had never really trusted cops. Again it was like sitting in a corner in a round room. He hadn’t served, he didn’t understand that people told you how to think and to act. Whether you were still capable or not. Stephanie had people’s backs, she knew what it was like to not have someone have hers. Stephanie knew what it was like to fail and be at her worst and have to build herself back up. Yes she had her family who she adored but she didn’t tell them everything. Some things, she just left them in the dark.

Think differently? Was that the polite way of putting it now? Eyes narrowed at him as he said the comment. Head turning to face away from him. That was until he said something about CPD not knowing what they were missing. “You just saying that or you covering up another one of the cow patties you stepped into?” She mused, though it was far from bitter, she was more amused that he seemed to be backtracking?

Stephanie knew exactly what that one event was like, knew what it was like to draw a line in the sand in her life and watch the rest spiral out of control until someone chased you around and tried to help you put all the pieces back in place. Ben clearly saw the better, more optimistic side in life. Funny how the two could be such completely opposites and ever agree on anything.

Now he was just arguing to argue. She tossed him a look. Yes, sometimes Ben was a handful but if she folded to every little thing, then where would they be. She’d be lost and not herself. So of course she was going to fight. Though she hated fighting with him, even if she did start more than half of him. “I don’t like fighting with you Ben.” It was true it took it’s toll on her emotionally and physically. Stephanie was very easy to wind up but very hard to wind down if you didn’t go about it the right way. She adjusted the icepack on his face so she could look him in the eye. The guilt was fast setting in for what she had done. Though she kept it off of her face.

“You would still sleep?” She knew they were opposites but it didn’t dawn on her if there was any lights on. Though she watching his face for signs that he was just saying that to make her feel better. There was no way she was going to do that if he couldn’t sleep with lights on. He didn’t deserve to lose sleep because of her. Steph was well adjusted to her cat naps. It always took them fighting for her to open up and she didn’t understand it.

“No, it’s not okay” She was kind of on the same fence as him on that one. “I used to tell people that alcohol was no way to solve anything. Drinking isn’t really my thing.” If she was drinking she was already farther down the road than he realized. Right now it was whole fear of commitment that had her hitting the bottle. She laid back down on his shoulder. “I’m still sorry Benjamin. I’m sorry for lying to you.” Picking her hand up she ran a hand along his bruise.

“Nothing gives me the right to hit you. I’ve everything to be sorry for” she resolved. Apologies were super rare for Stephanie. But she owed him that much. Though then she sounded like the apologetic abuser. Her actions weren’t justified, even if she was acting in a ‘combative’ capacity. PTSD had a funny way of messing with the reality, but that hardly made what she did excusable and she knew it. “Don’t apologize to me. Please don’t.” His apology made her sink lower. “I can but I don’t want an apology. It wasn’t your fault and don’t ever let me try to convince you that it is.” She buried her head. The guilt hitting her hard like a freight train. Man or woman it didn’t matter, hitting was abusive and that wasn’t who she was. “No one is allowed to hurt you. Not even me” she tried to explain things but she was raw and hurting. It came out more in muffled gasps between tears.

STEPHANIE HARRIS
HEY NUTCASE! STOP BITING THE COMMAND STAFF

✿

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[Benjamin Taylor]

It was too early in the morning as he was actually thinking about throwing a pig off a roof and it flying. “So I’m the pig?” He asked just to make sure he had the right clarification, “I will try and didn’t say I would succeed but just don’t throw me off a roof. Much like the pig, I can’t fly either.” Ben had no doubt she had gotten as far as she had but then her sleep was important, things were affecting her and he wanted to help with what he could. “I never doubted you’ve got a handle on it and you’ve come a long way. I just want to help you get a better handle on it.” He offered though how he had no idea.

Ben had lost his family, he never told people much of anything about his past and when it came to Grace in his eyes she was still that little girl he had taken home from the hospital. Telling her anything but the good things in life was all he wanted to do. All in all, for all he said and all he managed to mess up he never really spoke to anyone about his family or life before Chicago. It was either too painful or people would never understand the choices he made. Not that he had made them without thinking but they were his choices and could never be changed.

Seeing her eyes narrow at him he knew he had said something wrong, he was trying to help and his foot was still being stuffed in his mouth every other second. He was glad to hear that her tone was far from bitter though he shook his head. “I’m saying it and I mean it, cow patties or not. You’re not broken Stephanie and don’t let anyone tell you different. Everyone thinks differently and the two of us, if we thought the same it would be no fun at all.” He said grinning which he thought was entirely true. They were opposites and yet he never cared what anyone else said about her, to him her mind was perfect the way it was he simply wanted to help her either understand it more or at least sleep better.

“I don’t like fighting with you either and I know that I start a lot of them but it’s only because I care and love you.” He said trying to explain why; it was exactly those two things that caused a lot of them. Arguing about work or home or what to do, it generally boiled down to the fact he cared and never wanted to lose her. It was hardly as simple as if things ended it was the fact that with what they did a day could change everything and there was no guarantee when or if that day would come. It was a game of chance and trusting the people you worked with to do their jobs.

Ben gave her a look that amounted to something close to ‘seriously’. “Would I sleep? Oh yeah, you know me anything past ten at night and I’m gone to world.” He stated grinning; night times were never a good time for him. Mornings he was one of those annoying hello world types that could bounce out of bed without the aid of coffee. “If it helps you then I’ll do it, lights on isn’t an issue Stephanie. I’d get one of those space beam lights if it meant you could actually get some rest at night.” The neighbours might kill him but at the end of the day he was doing it for her and it was all that mattered to him.

“No, it’s not the right way to go about things at all but I’m not going to yell at you for it. If you want to go to a bar then that is your choice, it’s my choice to either go with you or go and get you either way I’m not going to let you go down that road.” Ben knew it was a promise he was making there and if it killed him there was no way he would let Stephanie drink herself toward anything. “You lied but it’s forgiven Stephanie, technically I lied too because when I said I was going straight home. I did stop at the store to get a few things first.” He stated know it was hardly the same thing but then he had made a stop before going home so he figured since they were being honest then it was the best way.

Ben tried not to wince as she picked her hand up and ran it along his bruise. Hearing her apologise for something was strange as usually he was saying the sorry and not her. “No but Stephanie I know that isn’t you, you were somewhere else and I pushed you so I’m sorry for that. I shouldn’t have pushed you and you reacted. No damage done.” He stated knowing that a bruise was just that, nothing serious and with work it he had seen worse though it had startled him a little. Ben listened to her as he shook his head, he had a lot to apologise for though he knew she might not take it well.

“It was my fault Stephanie and you haven’t convinced me of it at all. I know this, I pushed and you fought back, it’s simple but I know it wasn’t you.” He said as he hugged her trying to make her feel better. He knew hitting was wrong and he would never raise a hand to her though he also understood that PTSD was hardly clean cut and he had been the one upsetting her at the time. “Shhhss, don’t cry please don’t it’s not your fault.” He said not knowing how to fix what had happened.

“Stephanie look at me, I’m not mad or angry or annoyed. It happened and I’m sorry but please don’t blame yourself for this. I’m completely fine... see.” He said as he made a face at her or rather several faces, it worked when Grace was upset so why not try it on Stephanie. It hurt but then he tried his best not to show it at all as he tried to smile and grin his way through it. “See, nothing completely fine.” He stated as he leaned in to kiss her cheek.

[Stephanie Taylor]

[attr="class","tomhov"]

TAG
Benjamin Taylor

NOTES

Her analogies were always so lost on him. "Shooting someone is the pig. You trying to understand is like a pig growing wings" she sighed. He couldn't understand because he'd hadn't been there and she didn't wish it on anyone. Yes, because he totally needed a better idea on things, like how it felt to put a bullet through someone's head because your partner was in trouble. Then how it felt to watch your partner die later anyway. Because shooting to protect someone still failed. No. She loved his optimism in life. In fact, to a degree she probably envied it.

Right now Stephanie felt so vulnerable. She was broken, and she knew it. That was the life she had been given. She'd long accepted that. "No one said that we think the same Ben." The woman gave a disapproving look to her fiance for the comment about being being broken. There was a look. "I've accepted my past. NOTHING can change it." She just wished that it wouldn't haunt her. That is what it did, it was like a routine. It always seemed to tap her on the shoulder just when she got a head too.

"Benjamin. I love you too, or I wouldn't be here right now." She reminded him. Oh she knew the reason they fought. It was always the same EXACT fight and feelings that welled up inside. "I trust you with my life, but I have a really hard time trusting the fire, and I know you have the same feelings or you would have let me hang up my badge" she pointed out. Hands fingers traced his lips. "Just somethings aren't meant to know. It's one feeling I am glad you can't relate to" she mused. "Is it so wrong to not want it to eat you on the inside? I mean really. Talking about it doesn't help it, it's the past."

“If only that would help my internal clock" she knew better. Her internal clock would get the best of her at some point. Then again he was trying to help. "It's something to try anyway" she shrugged as she kept trying to swallow down the guilt of the bruise on his face. But their discussion was going other places.

"Just I've always told others, that drinking doesn't solve anything." She sighed. "I can't even listen to my own advice." She paused a moment. "And alcohol is disgusting anyway" it was true. Really she hated the taste of it. The only thing she could stomach was a beer, though in the case of the other night it had been three beers or was it four? She honestly didn't remember. She just remembered James dropping her off at home halfway sober. Not something she hadn't done for her best friend more than a few times.

When he blamed himself she cried. That's what victims did , they blamed themselves. What made her any different? What gave her the right to get a pass? No, that wasn't how it worked. "Just stop it Ben. I was a cop long enough. Don't apologize or make this your fault. Just don't okay." Her voice was snappy and a bit defensive. Sighing she looked up at him.

"You have nothing to apologize for, it doesn't matter how much you push me. I could have just walked away. I SHOULD have just walked away from the situation." Temper control and Stephanie were like oil and water. They didn't mix too well when she was upset and emotional or even when she was completely locked out of the world. There was just sometimes that she was locked out of her brain. Not a feeling one could really explain to another.

"Do you honestly know how many people I have heard tell their abuser they were sorry? Just please... stop." His apologies weren't helping they were making things worse. She buried in his chest, she just had to let this all out. He deserved someone so much better than this. She wasn't going to argue the same point they had just gone over. Circular patterns of logic were... almost inevitable as much as they were pointless.

STEPHANIE HARRIS
HEY NUTCASE! STOP BITING THE COMMAND STAFF

✿

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[Benjamin Taylor]

“So I won’t understand but I can still try and still listen to you if you want to talk.” He offered, it was big leap to understand something like that when he had never been in that position. He had lost people, seen them die but he had never shot a person and he hoped he would never have to. If he could do anything to help her see the better side of things he would, if it meant he had to act like a clown then he would do simply to make her feel better or to give her peace from the memories she had that haunted her.

There he went again saying something wrong he thought seeing her disapproving look though all he was trying to do was to make a point. “No, the past is done with and you’re right I can’t be changed but your past is also your present so that can be changed.” He said wanting her to understand that there were things that could be done to help her. There had to be things that could be done and he knew when he had a chance he would look into it.

“I’m not arguing that.” He said smiling, he loved her too and there was nothing that could change that. Ben just nodded when she spoke about trusting, he trusted her with his life far more than he had ever done with any other person. He even trusted her with Grace which was the biggest step he had ever taken with another person for as long as Grace was old. “It’s not wrong at all and unless I do that then I won’t ever understand but I just want to help you. If talking doesn’t work then we will find that thing that does but it means trial and error. Might be more that does work than does.”

“We can try and fix your internal clock, how about we go to sleep earlier and then we wake up way later?” He said grinning, “But lights on or off if it helps then I can deal with it. Might even get me one of those sexy sleep mask thingys.” No even for him that was a step too far but trying it never hurt anyone and if it gave her an extra hour or two then so be it. It was worth all the light in the world to him to do that.

“See you do listen to your own advice, you said it was discussing and you’re here tonight not at a bar. That’s listening.” He said trying to sound positive, he hardly wanted her feeling worse over her drinking but then if it was one night then he could understand it. Everyone had that one day or one moment when things were rough and a bar seemed to be the best place to be. “Steph you are too hard on yourself, you make out that one night is an entire history of it. You’re better than that and for one night, it’s okay.” Ben was trying to see the positive in a lot of things now because there was simply too much darkness and letting her be taken by that was not happening.

Ben hardly knew what to do when she cried, he was saying he was sorry for pushing her and that was upsetting her. What had he missed this time he thought as he listened to her talk about being a cop. “No, not my fault okay just please don’t cry.” He said looking at her when she looked up, “It’s all okay.” He said deciding that saying he was sorry was the worst thing he could do now even if he was.

“You did walk away.” He said knowing that she had or he would never have followed her right outside into the arctic blast that was called Chicago. “I know you and this isn’t you. You walked away and I followed you because unless I’ve dreamed it we were outside.” He was either simply tired or he had way too much cheese yesterday and he was hallucinating though someone had hit him he knew that much.

“Stephanie Harris, you listen to me right now. You’re not my abuser and don’t you ever think that.” He stated firmly as he hugged her to him. She was far more than he deserved, a far better person than he could have ever imagined and she was thinking she was some sort of abuser to him. Last he checked he still had the right to fight back but he knew he would never raise a hand to her and he still had the option to walk away before she had done it. “Do you want a tea or coffee?” He asked trying to make things better after all a hot drink did that most of the time. “Hot chocolate with the works?” He asked knowing that it worked on Grace but then sugar and a fourteen year old what could go wrong.

Stephanie Taylor,

[Stephanie Taylor]

[attr="class","tomhov"]

TAG
Benjamin Taylor

NOTES

He didn’t give up. “Ben. Just shut up” She mused as she laid on his chest listening to the heart beat. It was calming in its own way as long as he wasn’t shooting blood pressure through roof and was decently calm himself. Otherwise it just wound her up and had the opposite effect. Her hand traced over his shoulder. “You are the single most stubborn man I have ever met in my life.” Well there were other who were stubborn, but she was pretty sure Ben took the cake on this one.

Stephanie was beginning to get too tired to keep fighting. The woman would argue until her eyes closed if she was given half the chance but waking up after only a few hours sleep took its toll on her. She yawned and just nodded now that things were kind of calming down. Well her body was calming down. That didn’t mean she was going to sleep right away, but her body was telling her that she needed to stop arguing everything tooth and nail.

Her thumb brushed over the gunshot scar and she kissed his neck to try and distract them both from everything. “You can’t take the cop out of me, I will always protect you. It’s allowed to work both ways Ben” she wasn’t saying he wasn’t allowed to be protective but she was going to have his back always. “At least meet me halfway” she offered as she settled back down.

At his comment about sleep masks she smiled and laughed a bit. “Sleep masks are not sexy” she protested. She stared down at him from on his chest. “Super hot firefighters in sleep masks are blackmail leverage” she mused lightly as she ran her hand along his arm. She couldn’t help but smile at him. He had this stupid way of getting her to laugh when everything hurt. Stephanie appreciated that. That little bit of light at the end of the seemingly never ending tunnel.

Stephanie nodded letting him have the final say in the bar conversation. Piece by piece she was folding. Her left hand laced with his. The commitment thing was still banging at her backdoor but she’d told him at least she’d been honest and explained. ‘I changed my mind. Screw having a big wedding Ben.” She be perfectly happy in a pair of jeans and a t-shirt hiding in some corner. Why did some legal document have to be hidden in ribbons and bows?

She was only half listening to what he was saying until his voice called her name and got firm. Stephanie had a feeling if he was knew her middle name he would have used it about then. Then he mentioned tea. She rolled to the side and looked down at him her hair cascading down her shoulder. “I take it you letting me get up is out of the picture?” she mused. She was only teasing him because she knew if she didn’t let him up it would be an argument that wasn’t needed. If he wanted to get up and get tea then she would let him.

“I’ll let you up but you take something for the pain” she reasoned. Though honestly she didn’t want to let him up. Somewhere between taking his lips in hers and running her hand down his back. “I’ll trade you. You get to get up and get tea, if you let me spoil you until one or both of us go back to sleep” By that she meant massaging his neck, shoulders, and back.

Stephanie yawned and smiled some, “No isn’t an option” she reminded him. It probably wouldn’t take long for Stephanie to fall asleep though, she was fading fast. It was clear in her eyes as she finally moved so Ben could get up. Though she stole the blanket off the back of the couch as she did and then wrapped it around herself. With his body heat against hers she hadn’t noticed how cold she was until that moment.

STEPHANIE HARRIS
HEY NUTCASE! STOP BITING THE COMMAND STAFF

✿

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[Benjamin Taylor]

Ben smirked hearing her tell him to shut up, he could do that but talking was far too much fun as he relaxed feeling her lay her head on his chest. “Is it a good thing then that I’m the single most stubborn man?” He asked grinning; he was good at being like that. Stubborn as an ox but then when it came to Stephanie he was even more so. Not that he enjoyed it but simply because when it came to talking he was never going to just back down from that, he knew more now about her than he had done three hours ago.

Arguing, he did a lot of it and especially when it came to family though the minute he saw her yawn he could see she was getting tired. He could hardly blame her as in his head it was the middle of the night but then being awake with her he had never minded that. The moment her thumb brushed across the gunshot scar he thought about that day, how annoyed he had been that she refused to leave and at the same time how grateful he was that she had stayed. Her kisses distracted him as he soon forgot about that.

“I don’t want to take the cop out of you because the cop is the one who saved me.” He said as he realised that arguing that point with her was lost. “Half way okay, but then my half works too. I can protect you too, I might not be a cop but I can do.” So if it came down to shooting someone he was likely to miss as he had never been trained to do that but there were plenty of others things he could do and would try to do. Even if it was as simple as bringing her in from outside where it was far too cold to hold much of a conversation.

Ben raised his brow at her comment about sleep masks, “Since when?” He asked her before he shook his head. “Super hot huh... but you can blackmail all you want. I’ll just plead it was all for you, the super hot fire-fighter besides it’s for your eyes only.” He teased kissing her lightly for a moment. If he could make her laugh and give her a little light then it was worth it. All the arguments and tears to hear her laugh or see her smile made the whole thing worth it as he grinned at her.

Commitment was never easy to do and he understood that, he knew what he was committing to and was more than ready to do that. It scared him that he would commit to someone and there was a possibility that he might lose them too but then he had spent enough time trying to shut out a world and Stephanie was the first woman he had genuine feelings for. Since that first day at the fire house he would never have broken so many rules had it been anyone else but her. “Anything you want, small wedding it is. Just city hall or what did you have in mind?” He asked not caring about the wedding just the fact that he was marrying her.

Ben grinned gazing at her, how did he ever managed to find anyone like her he wondered as he nodded. “Oh I could do but I won’t. I am a guy and at the very least I am capable of making tea.” He said smirking at her. He knew that he would argue over it simply because he wanted to do something for her other than make her cry and push her to sitting outside on the coldest night. It was the least he could do for her that day.

“I’ll take something for the pain, not that it hurts at all as long as you stay right here.” He offered though really he was getting up either way. Well he was until his lips and her lips and he had almost forgotten what he was getting up to do in the first place. “Not an option but it’s a deal.” He said smiling lightly as he took the opportunity when she moved to get up and make the tea. By the time he managed to get back with two cups of tea in hand he saw her with the blanket wrapped around her.

It was colder than he had thought though as long as she was happier and warm then he was happy he thought as he placed the cups down and took a seat next to her, he reached out to carefully to run his fingers through her hair for a moment glad that they were in a better place than a short while ago. “So tell me about the wedding you want?” He asked her in an effort to keep the subject as light as possible.

Tag:Stephanie Taylor

[Stephanie Taylor]

[attr="class","tomhov"]

TAG
END THREAD

NOTES
Terrible Ending but

Stephanie just shook her head at his question. She was started to get tired and the rubbing of her eyes began. Calming down always helped her go back to sleep. The nightmares were exhausting the mental toll it took on her was always there. With Ben near her it was easy to go back to sleep. "If you weren't stubborn.." she yawned. "You'd be boring" she noted.Stephanie could kill him all night long with kisses if that is what he really wanted. She really didn't want him lingering long on the day in the firehouse. It was a point to get to an end. "Oh I'm pretty sure you do that already" she replied with a smirk. Questioning her work decisions... yeah that fell under protective. She dropped her hand so she could put both arms around him as she closed her eyes.

As the talk turned back to blackmailing firefighters she laughed a bit more and turned beet red. Though her eyes remained closed. How could she sleep when he was making her laugh? No. She poked him in the side in retaliation. "Butthead" she grumbled under her breathe. "City hall is kind of dull don't you think?" she mused though still not having opened her eyes as she sunk into the crevice of his collarbone and was clearly doing nothing but relaxing as she felt his arms around her. It was nice when he was calm. It was comforting.

She let him up to make tea, she wasn't going to protest that. He was allowed to spoil her but she did as she was told and stayed where he left her. She took one of the cups of tea from the table but set it back down as soon as his hands came through her hair. She yawned but leaned into his hands. "Something not so big?" She offered curling up on the couch with him sipping on her tea. It wasn't long after that he would soon find her back asleep on his chest. All was right with things once more.

STEPHANIE HARRIS
HEY NUTCASE! STOP BITING THE COMMAND STAFF

✿

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