It shouldn't have happened like this

[Dr Sofia Austin]

Sofia had tried to hold onto her anger and in the beginning it helped her, she had been abandoned and it had been his fault. She had done that for days and weeks until she realised that anger was what had driven their father to the bottle. He blamed everyone for what happened to their brother and mother, the driver of the car, the cops, the fact they had to go to the store on that day. She had sat and listened to enough drunken rants about it to know that anger was never the answer though what was she was still unsure.

“I can and I have, it happened, there’s nothing to change it but the last person I blame is you. You did the right thing and got out.” She said knowing she was grateful for at the very least him having a chance. A chance to do something to get away from the yelling, screaming, tear filled days and nights before the bottle became even too much for her to handle. No she had to be thankful and relieved to know that he had escaped all of that drama and hurt. It was the only reason why she thought he had done the right thing in the end; he had seen it and gone. Escaped from the world she simply was unable to.

Was it so strange to seek his approval after all this time as she saw his surprised and wide eyed look. Sofia found herself nodded; there was no one else’s approval she would have rather had in life. Over the years people told her they were proud, the neighbour even said it but all she could think of was Isaac. Would he be proud of what she had done or would he be disappointed she had failed to follow him into the military. It was a family business for some people however she simply wanted him to be proud. For the day that he came back that he would be pleased with her and not disappointed.

She smiled and nodded, “I try to save people, I don’t always manage it but you’re not mad that I didn’t follow you into the military? Or that I didn’t choose something else?” Sofia had known what she wanted to do but then she had no one else to rely on to tell her if she was doing the right thing or if she was way off. Many people had told her the work would be too hard, too much for her to take on. She often thought it would be good to be able to turn around and tell them they were wrong but they were right. It was a lot of work and at points she struggled but it had been worth it.

They? Who were They because if these ‘they’ were responsible for hurting her brother then they would get what was coming to them. She could see in his eyes that his tears were close to falling again but then she had no idea who he was so afraid of. “They won’t touch you Isaac, I swear to you I won’t let them.” Sofia meant it, her brother was home and she was not giving that up for anyone or anything. He was safe he had to be because there was no other choice, at the hospital she would stay with him as long as she could and if he accepted her offer to go home then she would make sure he was safe there too.

“What did they do to him? Who’s him?” Sofia asked not sure how much she wanted to know about this but then obviously Isaac knew more about was what going on than he was telling her. Sofia was not easily dissuaded when it came to thinking she would let him walk out of her life a second time. Even a Mafia she would stand in front of to stop that from happening and that meant that his attempt to change her mind was never going to work. The emotion in his voice said as much.

Pushing him too much she knew was going to be a bad idea the minute he said ‘I can’t’. She wanted to know but then forcing him to tell her would do her no favours at all. “It’s okay, you can tell me when you’re ready to.” She said calmly, Sofia was there to help not just as a doctor but as his sister too and she was hardly going to give up both things. “You have my help no matter what Isaac, you can’t change it because you’ve always had it.” She said trying not to add the next part to that. ‘Which you would have known had you been here’. Those words had been spoken in her mind a thousand times as well, a birthday or Christmas she even got him a present just in case he chose that day to come back.

Every year she would just put that gift in the attic and hope that the next year he would be home and a brand new wrapped gift would be there. When he spoke about leaving being a mistake Sofia chewed on her lip, to her it was a mistake and a relief. A mistake that he had gone and not said anything, no call or letter just silence and a relief that he had been safe and had not seen what had happened to her. Not taken her to the hospital when she needed it and not seen what their father had done. She was in two minds now as to if he had been better for leaving.

“Nothing was better? What happened Isaac?” She asked as she shook her head, “No you were safer, it was better for you to be away.” She said not sure if she wanted to get into the why that was or if she even wanted him to know. She was ashamed that it had happened, ashamed that she had been caught up in it and now the thought of telling someone she loved and who had no idea about it. No it was better left buried and out of sight.

To hug him, for him to even be standing there caused her tears to flow freely. It was somewhere between happy and mad and happy again. All the years of wondering to actually have him there, right there where she could even hear his heart beat was all she had wanted and wished for in twenty years. Sofia could hear the shaking in his voice as he spoke, she manage to shake her brain free to think for a moment before she realised that if she left him standing there much longer he was liable to end up in a heap.

“Yes you can, it’s just me there and I can take care of you. It’s safe and please Isaac, I’m not putting you in a hotel.” She said as she was glad he had kept his hold on her. There had been many times when all she wanted was a hug from her brother and now all she wanted was for it ever to end. “You should be back in bed resting.” She mumbled though she hardly wanted to let go of him even if the doctor in her knew she should.

[Deleted]

With time, and thinking, emotions changed. For the better, for the worst, he couldn't really say. It depended on the person he supposed. For him, it was even more of a mystery, he did not know if how he felt was better now than it was before. It was similar enough after all. Anger, fear, sadness, loneliness... The difference, he felt each even more, not less. The reasons for which he felt them had changed, for sure, but they still were. If Sofia's anger had dissipated with time, his own he couldn't get rid of. After so many years of it being part of him, he couldn't think his sister was telling him he did not have to feel that way anymore. Of course, he wouldn't forget, but it being forgiven told him it was of the past, and that he should let go. He wasn't sure he could, even if, like her, he probably should have. So once again he shook his head. For a moment he felt like arguing the point again, tell her that no, it hadn't been right but the opposite, but he was tired. Tired of fighting, exhausted from feeling so much so strongly all at once. No, it hadn't been right, so many things hadn't been right. From when he had left, to the moment he had come back to Chicago. If only she knew, knew that what she thought he had escaped in their home he had found away from it... Found, and caused too. The bottle issue was his, not someone else's... The blame was his too, for everything...

After so many years away, and what he had done, to find her asking for his approval was a shock, never a thing he would have expected. Much like many things, but as he didn't believe it to be worth anything, didn't believe it should be to her, it was even more of a surprise. A matter he had a hard time understanding. Of course, in time, he had wondered where his sister was, what path she had chosen to follow. Her job he had wondered what it could be. Maybe she had gone through many, maybe she had known from the very beginning what she wanted to be, he had no idea. The dreams of a fifteen year old could change, he couldn't base himself on what he knew of her at that time... He had simply hoped that she loved it, that she had more success than he. He didn't really have any. Her approval, even if he knew himself to wish it, he wouldn't have, he was fairly certain. No, proud of him she wouldn't be. But of her, of course he was. "No!" Following the mention of the military he froze, and when her following words reached his ears he cried out, eyes still wide. No, after what he had found in the army he was immensely relieved that she had stayed far away from it. Never would he wish it to become family business. "I mean... no, it's better this way." He shook his head, pushing away memories of the army. Something else... He wouldn't wish her to have done something else other than if it was something she liked more than this. "You try... you do more than that." Other than saving there was helping, she did that too. She was there when people needed her help, she was here now...

What did they do to him? Who's him? Him was a man he shouldn't have mentioned, a man and a memory he had sworn to keep to himself, sworn he would never tell anyone about. A man that, so long ago, had been everything, a man that now was still everything in being no more. And the what... Dead. He was dead... As the memory hit him Isaac felt a tear fall down on his cheek. He tried to stop the others he knew were coming, but it was a pointless effort. The memories of those long gone days were painful, petrifyingly so. "No, no..." He shook his head, anything not to think about him. He shouldn't have mentioned him. To talk about him meant telling her too much for what he was ready to say, so he couldn't answer her. He did not have any strength left to anyway. They had made sure of that, that he wouldn't talk about it anymore, time and time again... They were old 'acquaintances', member of the military he had met years and years ago when he had left home. Men that, upon learning something he barely even thought was possible back then, hadn't thought twice about hurting him, or hurting those who had helped him. They had broken him in more ways he had thought were possible. It was no surprise they hadn't missed the opportunity to do the same again now that he was back... 'Back to base'. They still used the same tricks... which meant he wasn't safe, she wasn't safe, even if she kept saying he was...

Tell her... He would have to, one day, except he hardly believed he would ever be ready. So many questions he would have to answer then, all of them as difficult as those she was asking now, he knew. Still, even the simplest of questions he might have a hard time answering, even if it he felt it stupid. Telling people about himself had never been easy, it surely wouldn't be now, even with his sister. Especially with his sister, but he would have to answer, would push himself to. He owed her that much, owed her far more than that, but right now, right now he couldn't, simply couldn't. Of course he had questions of his own, questions he wanted to ask her, had asked in those letters he hadn't sent, but he wasn't sure he would have the right to question her now, after all this time, before he gave her the explanations she deserved... Explanations for why he had left, why he was there before her in such a state, the fight and the whys of it... It was hard to imagine that he would have to say it one day, that those words would cross his lips when he had done everything for them not to. Her help... It was not hard to see that however strong he tried to refuse it she would give it to him anyway. Well, if he based himself on her words it had never not been his to take, but he still was stuck in in-between being afraid for her safety and the strong belief that he did not deserve it where he to take it or not. He may not have a choice in the matter anyway, now that it was too late to leave, too late to avoid causing all of this to her.

He had remained silent when she spoke of help and talking, had grown too tired to find the strength to fight her words again. It appeared the two of them were stubborn enough to make it a fight that would never end, so he elected to drop it, to save them the misery, save her more than him. Yet, he couldn't have prevented himself from correcting her. Leaving her had been the one mistake that had started all of the other mistakes he had made in his life, it really hadn't been better for him to do it. He still did not understand why she thought it had been, because out there, better things had stayed a weak hope and had never been anything other than that. What happened? A lot had, a lot of bad, so very little of good, but he couldn't tell her. Yet. But he couldn't really think about that because there again she was insisting that he had been better to be away. What was she talking about? "No." He shook his head, voice heavy and tone rigid. Why couldn't she see? He himself was telling her it hadn't been, did she not believe him? But there must have been a reason why she persisted on the idea, yet he couldn't see it. Had something happened to her, something bad that she did not want him to know about? Oh how familiar was the idea... Oh how hypocritical he felt as he thought that if something bad had happened he should have been there... No they would never get out of this vicious circle. They felt the same, yet knew nothing of the faith of the other that they were avoiding to tell...

A hug. Such a simple thing, yet, it had been so long he had forgotten how it felt, how it was meant to feel. Still, he knew this one was different from any other, ribs weren't meant to hurt like that, but as he pulled his sister towards him, he did not care about the pain, not about his anyway. Hers was all he cared about, could see and feel through the flow of tears that fell on his shoulder. They were warm, caught in the fabric his hospital gown. A trace left behind of the pain he had inflicted her, still did in being there. They reminded him so much of the time he had left, except back then he had turned away so he wouldn't see. Now, he had them right before him again... He shivered under her hands, feeling his legs wobbling underneath him as his arms circled her a little tighter. It caused his ribs to hurt even more, but at least he hadn't fallen on the floor. It wouldn't take him much however. "Sofia I..." Home... Could he really come back home? After so long? Just her there... Was she really alone? No husband, no children, not even a dog? She must have had a place of her own now, and to think of it being so empty... Then again, home, he had learned it did not have to be a place. Home... She was home, but could he really come back to her? The bed, he should go back to it, he couldn't stand for much longer. As he tried to pull away, however, he found he couldn't move too much, his sister's arms holding him in place. "I need to..." His legs wouldn't hold him anymore if he didn't sit down very soon.

[Dr Sofia Austin]

It was like living on a merry go round of emotions, it only took one thing to set them off. The familiar voice or that glimpse in a crowd where she thought there was the possibility that he would be there. The one face she would follow down a street only to tap a complete stranger on the shoulder and have to make some elaborate excuse as to why. Those were the days when she had enough hope to do that which was always followed by enough cursing and disappointment that once again she had let her own mind wonder toward what might have been. The anger had disappeared over time but the fear never did, the constant wishing and hoping that was left because all she had was a place to start and a mind that was scared to seek what she wanted.

Her own head had told her to go and look for him for years, do the right thing and take that leap and yet she had never managed it because what if she was the one to ruin his life. What if she stumbled onto the happiest family and she walked in and suddenly all that was gone because he was reminded of what he had left. Sofia knew what happened after he left, the tears, the yelling and voices and then the bottle that seemed to be their father’s only friend for more years than she cared to think of. Each day varied depending on what and how much had been drunk and then the last year or two there was no turning it back no matter how many times she had tried to.

Fifteen seemed to be so far away in that moment and yet so close at the same time. She could remember it so vividly and yet now she had what she wanted most in life, her brother but she had no idea for how long. It was strange to think that she could want something so badly and then want to throw her hands in the air and say she had no idea what she wanted anymore. Sofia was surprised by his reaction to the military, she knew she was a fool not to have taken that step but she was too scared to. To take and find that she had no family left while leaving the one family she did have left, it sounded insane but to a fifteen year old her decision making had hardly been exact and informed.

“I wanted to, I really did I just couldn’t...” She stopped herself from saying it, she simply could not lose another family member or walk away from the shell of a one she had. If she stayed in the same place, the same house then Isaac would know where home was where it was safe and where she was if he wanted to come and get her at any time. That was thinking of the teenager which then changed to the adult which was followed by the fact it was only place she had known. A house that held so many memories good and bad but it was their home. “It’s not better because if I had I might have found you faster, you wouldnt be hurt and here.” She said trying to reason it out for herself as she nodded. “All I can do is try and hope.” She said knowing that there was only so much she could do as a doctor.

Sofia saw his year fall down his cheek as she felt she had overstepped with her questions, she wanted to know what had him so scared and yet not if it was going to cause him pain of any sort. “It’s okay, I’m sorry I shouldn’t have asked you.” She said deciding it was better not to push the subject but she knew it was hardly forgotten. She would do her best to protect him from whatever he was scared of if she could because it was what family did and even if it meant that she had no idea about what was going on. She was going to get into regardless of anything, Isaac was family and that changed everything to her.

To understand what he was running from might help but then her mind was going to a bar brawl, mafia if she was really thinking down a bad road however what could he think that he was going to get hurt by when he was in a hospital. Yes even she had to admit that a hospital was not exactly completely secure but then since he was back she was hardly going to let him out of her sight or at the very least leave him without any means of looking after himself. There might have been a few times years ago where she might have wanted to hit him herself but then that was all in the past, at least mostly in the past. She had so many questions for him and yet she had to keep reminding herself that this was not the time to start the Spanish inquisition, the why and where’s of life and if he had been married or was married. Would there be his family to inform about anything and now her head was on a runaway train of possibilities that had her head spinning.

Her mind was thinking about everything she wanted to ask him and yet it seemed to hit her that if he asked the same things then what could she actually tell him? Or better yet what did she even want to tell him because in equal doses she hardly wanted to make him feel any worse than he seemed to already. She had always tried to keep a brave face on things, there were the million excuses and yet if he actually asked her about anything, what was she going to say to him. Suddenly it felt like the throat was being strangled as she had to take a sudden breath to try and stop the panic that rose within her at the thought of mentioning anything to do with the bad things.

When she heard his heavy and rigid tone her mind was going all sorts of places yet again. “No?” She said asking something she was hardly sure she wanted the answers to, if he had been worse off then what did that mean? It went against everything she had ever thought or dreamed of for him, how could he have been worse off she thought trying not to kick herself for not going after him that night. Why did she stay home? Why had she not taken off after him and tried to stop him because that was her fault, he left and something had happened to him and that was on her because she had just stood there and cried like a child instead of trying to stop him.

Feeling his arms circle her a little tighter it did nothing to stem the flow of tears, all she could do was cry because he was home in Chicago, cry because she was angry that he had left, cry because of everything in between. The years of worry, the days where all she wanted was to be able to come home and talk to him, asking him questions that she knew others would simply laugh at. The simple things in life, the things she had taken for granted up until the day he had left and the many days after that. Watching the Tv and going to turn to tell him something only to be met with the same stone cold realization that he was gone. Now he was stood there and she could feel him shiver under her hands.

Sofia looked up at him when he spoke, all she wanted to do was to look after him and make sure that he was safe. Home had never been the same since the day he had left, a home had left with him and yet she could hardly tell him that let alone admit it. She simply wanted what she knew was home back, he was back in Chicago and now home was that one little step closers to what she had wanted since the day he had gone. When he spoke again Sofia realised as she let go of the hug, “Sorry... I forgot I just.” She said as she motioned to the bed, “You need to rest.” She stated as she tried to help him back to the bed carefully so as not to hurt him at all. “I’m just happy your back Isaac, I really am.” She said feeling her own tears start again as she tried to stop them as she looked away for a moment.

[Deleted]

"Why would you want to..." Joining the army had been a way of escaping, it had never really been anything else, other than a faint hope that it would allow him to help a few people. A selfish hope of redemption after what he had done, although the idea had died out with time. Helping people had failed, miserably. The reasons for which his sister would have wanted to follow were outlandish to him, the army wasn't the greatest of places to be, and had he known he would have told her away. Maybe it was only a wish to follow him, find him again, that he could understand, but he wouldn't have wanted her to go through what he had, go through something even remotely resembling it. "Had you found me..." They would have hurt you. Or then again, none of it would have happened in the first place... No, he really did not know what would have happened had she really found him, but he kept thinking it was better for her not to have done so.

Her questions she had every right to ask them, he couldn't blame her for any of it, but he couldn't answer her. It was all too hard, all of those memories so very painful, more than his body was at the moment. You don't, couldn't, know... He had wanted to tell her, apologise for having so little answers to offer her, but nothing came out, just a whimper. He felt so tired, fighting tears, pain and memories, everything growing blurry once again. Running from... He was, had been, running away from everything, all of his life. Even now he felt he was in being unable to answer her. It wasn't right. Nor was it right to be thinking of his own questions, and to be thinking that he could ask her anything. He couldn't think of doing it, and even if he did, he wouldn't hold it against her if she didn't answer. He would have known those answers had he stayed...

"No." He softened his tone, her question somehow harder to take than he had anticipated. Was the situation, his physical state, not enough to convince her of that fact? Yet, in a moment of realisation, his wish to convince her died out. She was so stuck on the idea that it had been all better out there, still clinging onto that hope twenty years after he had gone, even now as he stood before her... Why was he so eager to maker her feel even worse with telling her that she had been wrong? It may be the truth, but why had he thought that it was okay to do so, and not try to reassure her, like a brother should be doing? But she wasn't fifteen anymore, and she was a doctor, she knew how the world could be... Still, it wasn't right of him, it felt selfish. And it wasn't her fault. How could she think it was? It was his fault, and only his. The people that had gone after him had done so because of what he had done, of who he w-... No, it wasn't her fault.

Her tears kept falling onto his hospital gown, warm in his neck, and Isaac had absolutely no idea of what he should do. So he said nothing, did nothing, other than keep his arms tight around her so he wouldn't fall. Maybe holding her like that wasn't the best for her, it hadn't seemed to calm her down, but how could it, after everything? "I'm..." As she let go of him, interrupting the hug, he felt himself losing his balance and falling backwards. He caught himself before he fell, but his legs really had no strength left to support him. Slowly, and with his sister's help, he was able to sit back on the edge of the bed, every part of his body as weak as they had ever been. "Are you?" She had looked away and her tears were threatening to fall again, he could see it, making him wonder if it truly were. Were it not he wouldn't hold it against her. But now was not the time to question her, or anything. Like she had said, he should rest, but after he did, what would happen?

They had to talk. It was inevitable...

End thread.