Hurt - A standalone I wrote a while back.
Mar 11, 2017 21:50:21 GMT
Post by Deleted on Mar 11, 2017 21:50:21 GMT
Authors note: This took me 6 hours to write - when the post was written originally. Any similarities to Flashpoint is purely concidential - I didn't purpsely copy the wording - my reader spotted the similarities but I dont have the heart to change it. Dr Bell is a character from Flashpoint
Word count: 4347 words (Not including this note here)
The room is large, spacious and airy. The walls are white and pictures are jotted around. The floor is grey tile and a large plant stands in one corner. A desk stands in a far corner with a simple computer, telephone and some office supplies adorning it. A pair of large double windows look out to the city.
This isn't a psychologist's office, in fact this is an office space James had hired out two years prior as part of an undercover op that he was part of and he had paid for an "indefinate amount of time" as he had no idea how long it would take. Unfortunately the op took off without a hitch and finished quickly so James was left wth the office space - so he had instead brought it - just in case they might need it in future.
So now James had an office space in his name which came in useful in this kind of situation.
The sky is darkening as evening sets in, but the night is clear and calm.
Near the windows Rowan sits on one of the chairs his arms crossed and his legs crossed and stretched out in front of him. Opposite him sits Dr Bell a young woman in her early to mid 30s with olive skin and long black hair.
“Tell me about your day”
“My day?”
“Tell me what you did today”
“Why?”
“Just a conversation”
“What about you then, Doctor?”
“Well, I travelled down from Canada so most of my day was just tying up loose ends and getting my flight and then getting here and getting acquainted”
“Why did you come here?”
“Cause a friend invited me”
“Who?”
“What about your day Rowan?”
“Nothing, I sat behind a desk all day shuffling paperwork for my team – then I was told to come down here so I’m here”
“Do you like desk work?”
“No, I’d rather be out there on the field but they pulled me out after a couple of weeks of field work”
“You were off field work for a couple of year’s right?”
“Yeah, three years give or take”
“You know why?”
“Cause they think I’m unstable, I thought you would have read up on me doc”
“I did Rowan, but I wanted to hear it from you”
“So you know everything about me huh?”
“No, no I don’t”
“So, why am I here?”
“Do you feel uncomfortable?”
The pause was long and Rowan locked eyes with Dr Bell for a moment “Am I going to lose my job if I walk out of here?”
“I’m not stopping you leaving, you can walk out of here anytime you want”
Rowan hesitated
Dr Bell regarded him “Do you want to walk out Rowan?” she asks
Rowan sits up and clasps his hands together his elbows resting on his thighs “Will you write it in your report?”
“There is no report Rowan, I’m here as a friend – this is off the record”
“Why?”
“Cause I want it to be off the record”
“No, why?”
“Why what? Why is it off the record?”
“No, why are you here as a friend?”
“Do you ever feel like just sitting down and talking Rowan? About anything in particular with friends?”
“I don’t know you though?”
“No, that’s true. But let’s say you do. Would you?”
Rowan nods shrugging and sitting back
Dr Bell watches him, a couple of days ago Eddie had received a call from a friend of his who had asked Eddie to ask her to come down. Although Dr Bell was based in Canada, was more associated with cops and had no jurisdiction in Chicago she obliged once Eddie had explained the situation.
Now she was seated in front of a man who to her looked like he hadn’t slept for a long time and judging by the personnel photos he had lost a lot of weight and this raised alarm bells in her mind.
“What do you want to talk about?” Dr Bell asks after a moment.
Rowan shrugs
“Do you have family?” Dr Bell asks simply
“No” Rowan answers quickly “Just an uncle up North but that’s it really”
“What about friends? Close good friends?”
Rowan hesitates “Just a few” he says softly – he was beginning to wonder if she already knew.
Dr Bell could see the question in his eyes “Tell me about your work, what you do?” she asks switching tactics.
“I’m a cop” Rowan offers with a shrug and a wry smirk “I sit and shuffle papers all day for my team”
“But you were on the field right?” She asks
Rowan nods “Three years ago yeah… I was on the field again for a couple of weeks this year but…”
“It didn’t turn out great?” Dr Bell asks and as Rowan shakes his head she considers her next words “Do you know why?”
Rowan shrugs “I told you, they think I’m unstable”
“Why do they think you’re unstable?”
“Cause I freak out over stupid things and I have a gun” he cuts off and shrugs again.
Now Dr Bell was curious “You freak out?” she asks
Rowan shakes his head “I don’t wanna talk about it”
“Okay, that’s okay we won’t talk about it” Dr Bell leans forward “But do you want to go back to field work?”
Rowan nods “Yeah” he replies softly.
She was being so gentle with him, not pushing his buttons and antagonising him. She didn’t seem to be trying to get into his head, she seemed to be simply trying to have a conversation with him – he was beginning to realise just who had invited her down here.
“James talked to you didn’t he?” Rowan asks with a sigh
Dr Bell raises a brow “James? No” she offers “I don’t know who that is” she replied with such honesty that Rowan had to admit thinking James would talk about him was foolish.
“Rowan, does it matter who talked to who?” she asks “Does it feel like betrayal?”
Rowan shakes his head defensively “No, just” he cuts off
“It’s okay to feel that way Rowan, but if your friends worry for you and ask someone to help you – would you appreciate that?” she asks.
Rowan tilts his head to one side and regards her then nods slowly.
“Do you feel judged for your feelings?” Dr Bell finally asks
Rowan hesitates then sighing he nods.
“Do you know why you feel the way you do?”
“No”
“But if people think you are unstable – there must be a reason for it?” she asks
Rowan closes his eyes and looks down rubbing his hands over his face.
“Do you want to talk about it?” she asks gently
Rowan looks away and looks to the window his body tensing up as his hands grip the arm rests. He had been starting to relax when the images began to flash around his mind and he was now trying to compose himself.
“Rowan? Are you okay?” Dr Bell asks recognising the signs
Rowan doesn’t hear her as he zones out
“Where are you Rowan?” Dr Bell pushes gently as she leans forward slightly.
“Outside” he says in one breath as his breathing becomes heavier
“Tell me what’s happening”
“I’m outside with Greisham” a beat as the simple utterance of his friend’s name begins to make him tear up and tears begin to stream down his face clouding his eyes.
“Who’s Greisham?” Dr Bell asks realising that Rowan is now seeing in front of him what is hurting him inside.
“My…” Rowan cannot speak as the panic begins to override him
“Okay, okay Rowan” Dr Bell urges gently “You need to breathe, take a deep breath come on Rowan. Take a deep breath”
Rowan obediently inhales and Dr Bell counts.
“Okay hold it and count to four” Dr Bell says gently “then breathe out at the count to four”
Rowan does so and Dr Bell nods in encouragement “Do it again at the count of four each time”
As Rowan does so he begins to feel calmer, his heart rate slows down and as his eyes focus again he finds himself meeting Dr Bell’s eyes.
“What…What happened?” he asks finally.
Dr Bell stands and heads to the desk where a jug of water stands, she pours a glass and brings it over to Rowan who takes it then she returns to her seat but doesn’t sit back.
“You had a panic attack Rowan, but it’s okay” she says softly
“A panic attack?” Rowan asks as he sips the water the cooling liquid like a soothing feeling on his dry throat “I don’t have panic attacks” he offers quietly.
Dr Bell shakes her head “You don’t realise it at the time but if you think about it, you probably had loads without even realising it”
A beat and Rowan contemplates her answer then shrugs “It’s nothing” he says simply
“It’s not, panic attacks are serious and if untreated it could hurt you” Dr Bell says simply “Do you remember anything from it?” she asks.
Rowan nods slowly “it only happens when I talk…” a beat
“It’s okay, take a breath. Use the exercise I just showed you” Dr Bell offers him an encouraging nod.
Rowan gives her a suspicious look but nods “It happens whenever I talk about…” he feels his heart rate go up but he begins to breathe slowly and soon his heart rate slows “Greisham” he says so softly it is barely audible.
“Go on” Dr Bell asks gently
“Don’t you have other people to see Doc?” Rowan asks suddenly as if trying to divert attention from himself.
Dr Bell shakes her head “Nope, I’m based in Canada I have none here. I’m here for you”
Rowan sighs and contemplates leaving but something like a pull is keeping him from walking out – maybe it was because there was something about the doctor before him that made him feel so at ease.
“You still thinking about leaving Rowan?” she asks gently
Rowan glances at the window then back at Dr Bell “No” he says softly
“Tell me about how you sleep, do you sleep?” She asks
Rowan laughs dryly at that and shakes his head “I can’t”
“But you do sleep at some point?” She asks “What happens then?”
“I wake up” he shrugs “Sometimes I drink a lot to drown it out”
“Drown what out?”
“The nightmares” Rowan says warily
“Of what happened to Greisham?” she asks finally having a name to use, Rowan looks away and blinks before nodding slowly his eyes fixed on the window.
“Do you stay up all night?” She asks and Rowan nods “Have you talked about it with anyone since it happened?” She continues and Rowan shakes his head “Only James” he whispers.
“Why only James?” she asks
“Cause he was there, cause he was the only one who came to me even while I was” he cut off.
“You mean he came to you when it happened?” she asked and Rowan nods “He had to pin me down – everyone else was too afraid”
“Why did they have to pin you down?” Dr Bell asked gently and cautiously.
Finally Rowan looks to Dr Bell “Cause I was trying to revive him” his voice is laced with regret and anger.
Dr Bell nods “Where were the rest of your team?” she asks
“I don’t know – All I remember is trying to…”
“Revive Greisham?” Dr Bell asks and Rowan nods “And then Medics and James hauling me to the ground then I woke up in hospital strapped to the bed and James was with me”
“James stayed with you?” Dr Bell asked and Rowan nods “He’s pretty much not left me alone since it happened” he says with a shrug.
Dr Bell mentally resolves to find this man and figure out the man’s mind-set, maybe this man already knew what was wrong with Rowan or at least knew it would happen as soon as the incident occurred.
“What about you Doctor?” Rowan asked suddenly and Dr Bell regarded him questioningly. Rowan waited a moment then started again “What do you do? I mean why did you decide to become a psychologist?”
“Because of my father” she said softly and as she explained about her father Rowan listened carefully – once she finished Rowan nodded.
A moments silence descended and Rowan looked again back out the window and Dr Bell followed his gaze and for a moment they were both lost in the view.
“It was my fault” Rowan said softly
“What was” Dr Bell asked looking towards him
“Greisham getting killed, it was my fault” Rowan didn’t look away from the window.
“Why do you think it was your fault?” she asked gently
Rowan looked down “I was fooling around, I was supposed to lead the entry but Greisham was worried about it. I called him a worrywart so he went instead of me”
“Tell me what happened before you got to the door?” she asked gently.
Rowan looked at the doctor cautiously
“its okay” she said gently.
Rowan gulped and sighed “We were at HQ and we got a call just before we left for the night. We’d been waiting for a warrant and figured it wouldn’t come in time. But it came and we didn’t want to wait til morning in case the suspect took off”
“Who was the suspect?” Dr Bell asked
“His name was Henderson” a beat and Rowan looked down “He was a known bomber with ties to our perp”
“Okay, go on” Dr Bell replied
“Our boss, Hollings told us all to head there it was late at night like nine. It was raining. Cold” a beat Rowan didn’t like the memory.
“Who else was with you?” Dr Bell interjected quietly.
“Our other team mates Ally and Jude and Greisham” Rowan replied looking to Dr Bell who gave him an encouraging nod.
Rowan exhaled before looking to the window again “Hollings decided to take the front with Ally and Jude while. Greisham and me were meant to take the back” a beat.
“When did Greisham start worrying about entry?” Dr Bell asks
“On the way there, he was talking about if Henderson knew we were coming or if Henderson had rigged his house. I thought he was just being paranoid”
“And what did your boss say?” Dr Bell asked
“To be cautious, to play it safe” Rowan’s gaze drops to his lap.
Dr Bell checks her watch then looks to Rowan “You want to order some food?” she asks and Rowan suddenly realises how hungry he is “Sure” he shrugs “Don’t you want to go home?” he asks.
Dr Bell chuckles “If I’m honest, I thought I would be driving back tonight” she smiles warmly “But I’m staying so I have to find a place to stay tonight”
“I could try and find you a place” Rowan offers and Dr Bell nods knowing better to try and deny the man an opportunity to help.
“What do you want?” she asked and Rowan shrugged “I eat anything, as long as it’s food” he offered a wry smirk and Dr Bell chuckled.
Rowan dug into his pocket for his cellphone and checking it he rose a brow seeing there were several missed calls and texts and that he had been sitting here for three hours already.
As Rowan checked his calls and texts Dr Bell moved back to the desk and picking up the phone she dialled a number from a menu on her desk as she watched Rowan.
From what she gathered Rowan’s whole personality changed after the incident and judging by what she could find out about him prior to it – what she was seeing now was just a glimpse of what Rowan used to be like before the incident and she wasn’t going to stop it.
When both of them had made their calls Dr Bell returned to her seat and sitting back she regarded him “Do you know how many people I’ve talked to who have the same feelings as you do?” she asked finally.
Rowan shook his head slowly unsure where she is going.
“Hundreds” Dr Bell continued “They come to me confused, hurt, angry, emotional” a beat “I could go on”
“So, it’s normal?” he asked softly
“It’s a normal reaction to an abnormal situation” she responded “What you feel inside is normal” a moment “Your job is black and white, your feelings aren’t” she said gently.
“So, what I feel – I’m not just – crazy?” he asked and Dr Bell shook her head “No, and its okay to feel things”
“It should have been me Doc, at the door – opening it – should have been me” he said finally as he rubbed at his face trying to contain the emotions.
Dr Bell leaned forward watching him “Why?” she asked “Do you think Greisham would say the same thing if he was here instead of you?” she asked
At the thought of that Rowan dropped his hands and stared at Dr Bell “He has a family” he started.
“So do you” she started and as Rowan moved to interrupt she cut him off “Maybe not parents, wife, kids… but you have friends right?” she said gently “And all of those will be reacting maybe not in the same way as you but they would all be grieving like you are”
Rowan studied her as he began to breathe heavily his eyes misting over slightly.
“Rowan, You need to allow yourself time to grieve – let yourself grieve. It’s okay” her voice a soft and gentle touch to the deepest part of Rowan’s heart and Rowan dropped his head and covered his face with his hands.
Standing as she felt her pager vibrate she stood and crossed the floor to the door and then opening it a fraction so that the delivery guy couldn’t see Rowan she took the bag of food and then closed it.
She placed the bag on the desk, then approaching she sits back down in front of him and waits a moment – when Rowans breathing begins to steady she leans forward
“Rowan?”
Rowan rubs at his eyes then lets his hands drop to his lap as he looks to Dr Bell “Yeah?” he asks quietly
“You ready to eat?” she asks and Rowan nods slowly.
After they eat Rowan drives Dr Bell to a motel then drives home.
Next morning Dr Bell heads to the PD early and sends a request for James to meet her in her temporary office.
James is there within an hour and as he enters Dr Bell is surprised to see a man who seems vaguely familiar.
James smirks when he sees Dr Bells expression “Yeah you have seen me around” he says softly as he closes the door and approaches her desk, Dr Bell steps round and shakes his hand before indicating the chairs “You wanna sit?” she asks and James shrugs “Sure” he heads over and waits for Dr Bell to sit first before he sits.
“You was at SRU for a while?” she asks after a moment
James nods “Yeah, a couple years”
“How did you come to join SRU for such a short time?”
“Well, Sgt Parker offered me a job and position on his team to keep me close by I guess” James explained as he sat back and rested his elbows on the armrests of the chair and interlacing his fingers.
“So, you knew Sgt Parker already?” she asked and James nodded “We go way back, about three years give or take – maybe more”
“How did you meet him?” Dr Bell asked and James studied her “Why the questions Dr Bell?” he asked knowingly
“Just curious” she offered and James smirked “He was negotiator at a situation I was involved in, then later stuff happened and we connected”
“So, what did you do before you went to SRU then came here?” She asked
“I” James started then shook his head he was over it “I’ve been a Army-CID Hostage negotiator for several years, I resigned couple years ago and went back to Canada – came back here recently”
Dr Bell rose a brow “That’s a big change” she commented “You have a family?” she asked and James nodded
“Two little ones, an older sort of son”
The way the man spoke like there was something missing “No wife?” She ventured and the sorrow that filled James’ eyes as he shook his head sent a pang through her heart “I’m sorry” she said softly and James shook his head “It’s okay” he said quietly.
“So, you are Canadian?” Dr Bell asked and James nods and smiled at her “You asked me here for something else Doc”
Dr Bell smirks “Rowan” she says simply
“I thought you couldn’t discuss patients” he replied
“He’s not a patient, and we’re not going to discuss what happened here in this room. I want to talk about what happened three years ago”
“Didn’t he tell you?” James asked
“I read up on it, and he told me a little but he also told me how you were there for him” Dr Bell said simply
“Someone had to be” James replied softly “He needed a friend, I’ve known him since training. We were rookies at the same time. I couldn’t just stand by and watch”
Dr Bell regarded him “Do you remember it?” she asked
“All of it, every single second” James replied
“You were there?” she asked
“Yeah, we were on standby to lend assistance if necessary – we were parked across the street when the bomb went off. We were there within seconds and I went around back to see Rowan screaming and trying to resuscitate Greish”
“Did you try to get Rowan away from him?” Dr Bell asked and James shook his head “We were all in shock, it wasn’t until the ambulance arrived we realised we needed to get Rowan back but he wasn’t listening to anyone. I had to grab him myself with two other medics and haul him off whilst another jabbed him with something to knock him out”
“Why didn’t the rest of his team come?” Dr Bell asked
“They were all knocked out by the back draft – my team were tending to them. I heard Rowan’s screams so I went around back.”
“Does he know this?” Dr Bell asked and James shook his head “We told him but he didn’t believe us, thinks they couldn’t help him because they didn’t want to. Ally resigned after it happened and Rowan took it as guilt”
“Does he talk to the others?” Dr Bell asked and James shook his head “Only when asked about work related stuff – refuses to discuss what happened with them”
“You stayed with him at the hospital?” Dr Bell asked and James nods “All the way through until he was discharged – Kept checking in on him until he was back at work then…yeah I carried on checking in on him but I figured he wouldn’t want the pressure.”
“But you looked out for him? I saw your recommendations”
“Yeah, figured someone better stand up for this guy”
“But what made you think he wasn’t just being himself?” Dr Bell pressed
“Cause what we see now isn’t the Rowan I know” James finally admits “Sometimes when I talk to him I see the old Rowan, but it’s under layers and layers” a beat and Dr Bell regards him “Has he talked to anyone apart from me and you?”
James shook his head “No one, we’ve tried to get him to talk to psychiatrists, counsellors – you name it – by we I mean the PD” a beat “I wasn’t willing to give up on him – I got the people up top to cut him some slack but things have been getting worse while I was away and well” a beat “When I came back he was allowed back on field work…”
“And that’s when it went south?” Dr Bell asked and James nodded
“I talked to Eddie cause…” he cut off and Dr Bell nods understanding “When did you know he might have it?”
“The first time he came back to work, he was sent to do entry with Hollings and the others – he was told to go around back – he refused but Hollings threatened to fire him. He went with the new guy and the new guy wanted to open the door. But Rowan refused and tried to go first”
“What happened?” Dr Bell asked
“When Row was about to open the door the new guy was messing around and tripped backwards and as he hit the ground he knocked over metal trash cans”
Dr Bell shook her head “he reacted badly?”
“Hit the deck screaming” a beat “he was taken to hospital because they thought he had an injury” “He didn’t, he just couldn’t calm down. I came and we talked.”
Dr Bell nods “I’m sorry I shouldn’t have asked you to talk about him”
“You just wanted to get a better idea of him” James said leaning forward resting his elbows on his knees as he studied her.
“What about you, you got anything you wanna talk about?” She asked
James shook his head “Doc, I think I’m okay for now” he assures
“But if you need to talk” Dr Bell starts and James nods “I’ll call you, thanks Doc” James stood and extended his hand – Dr Bell stands and shakes it “I’ll be talking to Rowan tonight”
“Twice in a row? That’s good” James said a glimmer of hope in his eyes “Thanks doc” James exits and Dr Bell sits to contemplate.
Word count: 4347 words (Not including this note here)
The room is large, spacious and airy. The walls are white and pictures are jotted around. The floor is grey tile and a large plant stands in one corner. A desk stands in a far corner with a simple computer, telephone and some office supplies adorning it. A pair of large double windows look out to the city.
This isn't a psychologist's office, in fact this is an office space James had hired out two years prior as part of an undercover op that he was part of and he had paid for an "indefinate amount of time" as he had no idea how long it would take. Unfortunately the op took off without a hitch and finished quickly so James was left wth the office space - so he had instead brought it - just in case they might need it in future.
So now James had an office space in his name which came in useful in this kind of situation.
The sky is darkening as evening sets in, but the night is clear and calm.
Near the windows Rowan sits on one of the chairs his arms crossed and his legs crossed and stretched out in front of him. Opposite him sits Dr Bell a young woman in her early to mid 30s with olive skin and long black hair.
“Tell me about your day”
“My day?”
“Tell me what you did today”
“Why?”
“Just a conversation”
“What about you then, Doctor?”
“Well, I travelled down from Canada so most of my day was just tying up loose ends and getting my flight and then getting here and getting acquainted”
“Why did you come here?”
“Cause a friend invited me”
“Who?”
“What about your day Rowan?”
“Nothing, I sat behind a desk all day shuffling paperwork for my team – then I was told to come down here so I’m here”
“Do you like desk work?”
“No, I’d rather be out there on the field but they pulled me out after a couple of weeks of field work”
“You were off field work for a couple of year’s right?”
“Yeah, three years give or take”
“You know why?”
“Cause they think I’m unstable, I thought you would have read up on me doc”
“I did Rowan, but I wanted to hear it from you”
“So you know everything about me huh?”
“No, no I don’t”
“So, why am I here?”
“Do you feel uncomfortable?”
The pause was long and Rowan locked eyes with Dr Bell for a moment “Am I going to lose my job if I walk out of here?”
“I’m not stopping you leaving, you can walk out of here anytime you want”
Rowan hesitated
Dr Bell regarded him “Do you want to walk out Rowan?” she asks
Rowan sits up and clasps his hands together his elbows resting on his thighs “Will you write it in your report?”
“There is no report Rowan, I’m here as a friend – this is off the record”
“Why?”
“Cause I want it to be off the record”
“No, why?”
“Why what? Why is it off the record?”
“No, why are you here as a friend?”
“Do you ever feel like just sitting down and talking Rowan? About anything in particular with friends?”
“I don’t know you though?”
“No, that’s true. But let’s say you do. Would you?”
Rowan nods shrugging and sitting back
Dr Bell watches him, a couple of days ago Eddie had received a call from a friend of his who had asked Eddie to ask her to come down. Although Dr Bell was based in Canada, was more associated with cops and had no jurisdiction in Chicago she obliged once Eddie had explained the situation.
Now she was seated in front of a man who to her looked like he hadn’t slept for a long time and judging by the personnel photos he had lost a lot of weight and this raised alarm bells in her mind.
“What do you want to talk about?” Dr Bell asks after a moment.
Rowan shrugs
“Do you have family?” Dr Bell asks simply
“No” Rowan answers quickly “Just an uncle up North but that’s it really”
“What about friends? Close good friends?”
Rowan hesitates “Just a few” he says softly – he was beginning to wonder if she already knew.
Dr Bell could see the question in his eyes “Tell me about your work, what you do?” she asks switching tactics.
“I’m a cop” Rowan offers with a shrug and a wry smirk “I sit and shuffle papers all day for my team”
“But you were on the field right?” She asks
Rowan nods “Three years ago yeah… I was on the field again for a couple of weeks this year but…”
“It didn’t turn out great?” Dr Bell asks and as Rowan shakes his head she considers her next words “Do you know why?”
Rowan shrugs “I told you, they think I’m unstable”
“Why do they think you’re unstable?”
“Cause I freak out over stupid things and I have a gun” he cuts off and shrugs again.
Now Dr Bell was curious “You freak out?” she asks
Rowan shakes his head “I don’t wanna talk about it”
“Okay, that’s okay we won’t talk about it” Dr Bell leans forward “But do you want to go back to field work?”
Rowan nods “Yeah” he replies softly.
She was being so gentle with him, not pushing his buttons and antagonising him. She didn’t seem to be trying to get into his head, she seemed to be simply trying to have a conversation with him – he was beginning to realise just who had invited her down here.
“James talked to you didn’t he?” Rowan asks with a sigh
Dr Bell raises a brow “James? No” she offers “I don’t know who that is” she replied with such honesty that Rowan had to admit thinking James would talk about him was foolish.
“Rowan, does it matter who talked to who?” she asks “Does it feel like betrayal?”
Rowan shakes his head defensively “No, just” he cuts off
“It’s okay to feel that way Rowan, but if your friends worry for you and ask someone to help you – would you appreciate that?” she asks.
Rowan tilts his head to one side and regards her then nods slowly.
“Do you feel judged for your feelings?” Dr Bell finally asks
Rowan hesitates then sighing he nods.
“Do you know why you feel the way you do?”
“No”
“But if people think you are unstable – there must be a reason for it?” she asks
Rowan closes his eyes and looks down rubbing his hands over his face.
“Do you want to talk about it?” she asks gently
Rowan looks away and looks to the window his body tensing up as his hands grip the arm rests. He had been starting to relax when the images began to flash around his mind and he was now trying to compose himself.
“Rowan? Are you okay?” Dr Bell asks recognising the signs
Rowan doesn’t hear her as he zones out
“Where are you Rowan?” Dr Bell pushes gently as she leans forward slightly.
“Outside” he says in one breath as his breathing becomes heavier
“Tell me what’s happening”
“I’m outside with Greisham” a beat as the simple utterance of his friend’s name begins to make him tear up and tears begin to stream down his face clouding his eyes.
“Who’s Greisham?” Dr Bell asks realising that Rowan is now seeing in front of him what is hurting him inside.
“My…” Rowan cannot speak as the panic begins to override him
“Okay, okay Rowan” Dr Bell urges gently “You need to breathe, take a deep breath come on Rowan. Take a deep breath”
Rowan obediently inhales and Dr Bell counts.
“Okay hold it and count to four” Dr Bell says gently “then breathe out at the count to four”
Rowan does so and Dr Bell nods in encouragement “Do it again at the count of four each time”
As Rowan does so he begins to feel calmer, his heart rate slows down and as his eyes focus again he finds himself meeting Dr Bell’s eyes.
“What…What happened?” he asks finally.
Dr Bell stands and heads to the desk where a jug of water stands, she pours a glass and brings it over to Rowan who takes it then she returns to her seat but doesn’t sit back.
“You had a panic attack Rowan, but it’s okay” she says softly
“A panic attack?” Rowan asks as he sips the water the cooling liquid like a soothing feeling on his dry throat “I don’t have panic attacks” he offers quietly.
Dr Bell shakes her head “You don’t realise it at the time but if you think about it, you probably had loads without even realising it”
A beat and Rowan contemplates her answer then shrugs “It’s nothing” he says simply
“It’s not, panic attacks are serious and if untreated it could hurt you” Dr Bell says simply “Do you remember anything from it?” she asks.
Rowan nods slowly “it only happens when I talk…” a beat
“It’s okay, take a breath. Use the exercise I just showed you” Dr Bell offers him an encouraging nod.
Rowan gives her a suspicious look but nods “It happens whenever I talk about…” he feels his heart rate go up but he begins to breathe slowly and soon his heart rate slows “Greisham” he says so softly it is barely audible.
“Go on” Dr Bell asks gently
“Don’t you have other people to see Doc?” Rowan asks suddenly as if trying to divert attention from himself.
Dr Bell shakes her head “Nope, I’m based in Canada I have none here. I’m here for you”
Rowan sighs and contemplates leaving but something like a pull is keeping him from walking out – maybe it was because there was something about the doctor before him that made him feel so at ease.
“You still thinking about leaving Rowan?” she asks gently
Rowan glances at the window then back at Dr Bell “No” he says softly
“Tell me about how you sleep, do you sleep?” She asks
Rowan laughs dryly at that and shakes his head “I can’t”
“But you do sleep at some point?” She asks “What happens then?”
“I wake up” he shrugs “Sometimes I drink a lot to drown it out”
“Drown what out?”
“The nightmares” Rowan says warily
“Of what happened to Greisham?” she asks finally having a name to use, Rowan looks away and blinks before nodding slowly his eyes fixed on the window.
“Do you stay up all night?” She asks and Rowan nods “Have you talked about it with anyone since it happened?” She continues and Rowan shakes his head “Only James” he whispers.
“Why only James?” she asks
“Cause he was there, cause he was the only one who came to me even while I was” he cut off.
“You mean he came to you when it happened?” she asked and Rowan nods “He had to pin me down – everyone else was too afraid”
“Why did they have to pin you down?” Dr Bell asked gently and cautiously.
Finally Rowan looks to Dr Bell “Cause I was trying to revive him” his voice is laced with regret and anger.
Dr Bell nods “Where were the rest of your team?” she asks
“I don’t know – All I remember is trying to…”
“Revive Greisham?” Dr Bell asks and Rowan nods “And then Medics and James hauling me to the ground then I woke up in hospital strapped to the bed and James was with me”
“James stayed with you?” Dr Bell asked and Rowan nods “He’s pretty much not left me alone since it happened” he says with a shrug.
Dr Bell mentally resolves to find this man and figure out the man’s mind-set, maybe this man already knew what was wrong with Rowan or at least knew it would happen as soon as the incident occurred.
“What about you Doctor?” Rowan asked suddenly and Dr Bell regarded him questioningly. Rowan waited a moment then started again “What do you do? I mean why did you decide to become a psychologist?”
“Because of my father” she said softly and as she explained about her father Rowan listened carefully – once she finished Rowan nodded.
A moments silence descended and Rowan looked again back out the window and Dr Bell followed his gaze and for a moment they were both lost in the view.
“It was my fault” Rowan said softly
“What was” Dr Bell asked looking towards him
“Greisham getting killed, it was my fault” Rowan didn’t look away from the window.
“Why do you think it was your fault?” she asked gently
Rowan looked down “I was fooling around, I was supposed to lead the entry but Greisham was worried about it. I called him a worrywart so he went instead of me”
“Tell me what happened before you got to the door?” she asked gently.
Rowan looked at the doctor cautiously
“its okay” she said gently.
Rowan gulped and sighed “We were at HQ and we got a call just before we left for the night. We’d been waiting for a warrant and figured it wouldn’t come in time. But it came and we didn’t want to wait til morning in case the suspect took off”
“Who was the suspect?” Dr Bell asked
“His name was Henderson” a beat and Rowan looked down “He was a known bomber with ties to our perp”
“Okay, go on” Dr Bell replied
“Our boss, Hollings told us all to head there it was late at night like nine. It was raining. Cold” a beat Rowan didn’t like the memory.
“Who else was with you?” Dr Bell interjected quietly.
“Our other team mates Ally and Jude and Greisham” Rowan replied looking to Dr Bell who gave him an encouraging nod.
Rowan exhaled before looking to the window again “Hollings decided to take the front with Ally and Jude while. Greisham and me were meant to take the back” a beat.
“When did Greisham start worrying about entry?” Dr Bell asks
“On the way there, he was talking about if Henderson knew we were coming or if Henderson had rigged his house. I thought he was just being paranoid”
“And what did your boss say?” Dr Bell asked
“To be cautious, to play it safe” Rowan’s gaze drops to his lap.
Dr Bell checks her watch then looks to Rowan “You want to order some food?” she asks and Rowan suddenly realises how hungry he is “Sure” he shrugs “Don’t you want to go home?” he asks.
Dr Bell chuckles “If I’m honest, I thought I would be driving back tonight” she smiles warmly “But I’m staying so I have to find a place to stay tonight”
“I could try and find you a place” Rowan offers and Dr Bell nods knowing better to try and deny the man an opportunity to help.
“What do you want?” she asked and Rowan shrugged “I eat anything, as long as it’s food” he offered a wry smirk and Dr Bell chuckled.
Rowan dug into his pocket for his cellphone and checking it he rose a brow seeing there were several missed calls and texts and that he had been sitting here for three hours already.
As Rowan checked his calls and texts Dr Bell moved back to the desk and picking up the phone she dialled a number from a menu on her desk as she watched Rowan.
From what she gathered Rowan’s whole personality changed after the incident and judging by what she could find out about him prior to it – what she was seeing now was just a glimpse of what Rowan used to be like before the incident and she wasn’t going to stop it.
When both of them had made their calls Dr Bell returned to her seat and sitting back she regarded him “Do you know how many people I’ve talked to who have the same feelings as you do?” she asked finally.
Rowan shook his head slowly unsure where she is going.
“Hundreds” Dr Bell continued “They come to me confused, hurt, angry, emotional” a beat “I could go on”
“So, it’s normal?” he asked softly
“It’s a normal reaction to an abnormal situation” she responded “What you feel inside is normal” a moment “Your job is black and white, your feelings aren’t” she said gently.
“So, what I feel – I’m not just – crazy?” he asked and Dr Bell shook her head “No, and its okay to feel things”
“It should have been me Doc, at the door – opening it – should have been me” he said finally as he rubbed at his face trying to contain the emotions.
Dr Bell leaned forward watching him “Why?” she asked “Do you think Greisham would say the same thing if he was here instead of you?” she asked
At the thought of that Rowan dropped his hands and stared at Dr Bell “He has a family” he started.
“So do you” she started and as Rowan moved to interrupt she cut him off “Maybe not parents, wife, kids… but you have friends right?” she said gently “And all of those will be reacting maybe not in the same way as you but they would all be grieving like you are”
Rowan studied her as he began to breathe heavily his eyes misting over slightly.
“Rowan, You need to allow yourself time to grieve – let yourself grieve. It’s okay” her voice a soft and gentle touch to the deepest part of Rowan’s heart and Rowan dropped his head and covered his face with his hands.
Standing as she felt her pager vibrate she stood and crossed the floor to the door and then opening it a fraction so that the delivery guy couldn’t see Rowan she took the bag of food and then closed it.
She placed the bag on the desk, then approaching she sits back down in front of him and waits a moment – when Rowans breathing begins to steady she leans forward
“Rowan?”
Rowan rubs at his eyes then lets his hands drop to his lap as he looks to Dr Bell “Yeah?” he asks quietly
“You ready to eat?” she asks and Rowan nods slowly.
After they eat Rowan drives Dr Bell to a motel then drives home.
Next morning Dr Bell heads to the PD early and sends a request for James to meet her in her temporary office.
James is there within an hour and as he enters Dr Bell is surprised to see a man who seems vaguely familiar.
James smirks when he sees Dr Bells expression “Yeah you have seen me around” he says softly as he closes the door and approaches her desk, Dr Bell steps round and shakes his hand before indicating the chairs “You wanna sit?” she asks and James shrugs “Sure” he heads over and waits for Dr Bell to sit first before he sits.
“You was at SRU for a while?” she asks after a moment
James nods “Yeah, a couple years”
“How did you come to join SRU for such a short time?”
“Well, Sgt Parker offered me a job and position on his team to keep me close by I guess” James explained as he sat back and rested his elbows on the armrests of the chair and interlacing his fingers.
“So, you knew Sgt Parker already?” she asked and James nodded “We go way back, about three years give or take – maybe more”
“How did you meet him?” Dr Bell asked and James studied her “Why the questions Dr Bell?” he asked knowingly
“Just curious” she offered and James smirked “He was negotiator at a situation I was involved in, then later stuff happened and we connected”
“So, what did you do before you went to SRU then came here?” She asked
“I” James started then shook his head he was over it “I’ve been a Army-CID Hostage negotiator for several years, I resigned couple years ago and went back to Canada – came back here recently”
Dr Bell rose a brow “That’s a big change” she commented “You have a family?” she asked and James nodded
“Two little ones, an older sort of son”
The way the man spoke like there was something missing “No wife?” She ventured and the sorrow that filled James’ eyes as he shook his head sent a pang through her heart “I’m sorry” she said softly and James shook his head “It’s okay” he said quietly.
“So, you are Canadian?” Dr Bell asked and James nods and smiled at her “You asked me here for something else Doc”
Dr Bell smirks “Rowan” she says simply
“I thought you couldn’t discuss patients” he replied
“He’s not a patient, and we’re not going to discuss what happened here in this room. I want to talk about what happened three years ago”
“Didn’t he tell you?” James asked
“I read up on it, and he told me a little but he also told me how you were there for him” Dr Bell said simply
“Someone had to be” James replied softly “He needed a friend, I’ve known him since training. We were rookies at the same time. I couldn’t just stand by and watch”
Dr Bell regarded him “Do you remember it?” she asked
“All of it, every single second” James replied
“You were there?” she asked
“Yeah, we were on standby to lend assistance if necessary – we were parked across the street when the bomb went off. We were there within seconds and I went around back to see Rowan screaming and trying to resuscitate Greish”
“Did you try to get Rowan away from him?” Dr Bell asked and James shook his head “We were all in shock, it wasn’t until the ambulance arrived we realised we needed to get Rowan back but he wasn’t listening to anyone. I had to grab him myself with two other medics and haul him off whilst another jabbed him with something to knock him out”
“Why didn’t the rest of his team come?” Dr Bell asked
“They were all knocked out by the back draft – my team were tending to them. I heard Rowan’s screams so I went around back.”
“Does he know this?” Dr Bell asked and James shook his head “We told him but he didn’t believe us, thinks they couldn’t help him because they didn’t want to. Ally resigned after it happened and Rowan took it as guilt”
“Does he talk to the others?” Dr Bell asked and James shook his head “Only when asked about work related stuff – refuses to discuss what happened with them”
“You stayed with him at the hospital?” Dr Bell asked and James nods “All the way through until he was discharged – Kept checking in on him until he was back at work then…yeah I carried on checking in on him but I figured he wouldn’t want the pressure.”
“But you looked out for him? I saw your recommendations”
“Yeah, figured someone better stand up for this guy”
“But what made you think he wasn’t just being himself?” Dr Bell pressed
“Cause what we see now isn’t the Rowan I know” James finally admits “Sometimes when I talk to him I see the old Rowan, but it’s under layers and layers” a beat and Dr Bell regards him “Has he talked to anyone apart from me and you?”
James shook his head “No one, we’ve tried to get him to talk to psychiatrists, counsellors – you name it – by we I mean the PD” a beat “I wasn’t willing to give up on him – I got the people up top to cut him some slack but things have been getting worse while I was away and well” a beat “When I came back he was allowed back on field work…”
“And that’s when it went south?” Dr Bell asked and James nodded
“I talked to Eddie cause…” he cut off and Dr Bell nods understanding “When did you know he might have it?”
“The first time he came back to work, he was sent to do entry with Hollings and the others – he was told to go around back – he refused but Hollings threatened to fire him. He went with the new guy and the new guy wanted to open the door. But Rowan refused and tried to go first”
“What happened?” Dr Bell asked
“When Row was about to open the door the new guy was messing around and tripped backwards and as he hit the ground he knocked over metal trash cans”
Dr Bell shook her head “he reacted badly?”
“Hit the deck screaming” a beat “he was taken to hospital because they thought he had an injury” “He didn’t, he just couldn’t calm down. I came and we talked.”
Dr Bell nods “I’m sorry I shouldn’t have asked you to talk about him”
“You just wanted to get a better idea of him” James said leaning forward resting his elbows on his knees as he studied her.
“What about you, you got anything you wanna talk about?” She asked
James shook his head “Doc, I think I’m okay for now” he assures
“But if you need to talk” Dr Bell starts and James nods “I’ll call you, thanks Doc” James stood and extended his hand – Dr Bell stands and shakes it “I’ll be talking to Rowan tonight”
“Twice in a row? That’s good” James said a glimmer of hope in his eyes “Thanks doc” James exits and Dr Bell sits to contemplate.
