The things we miss

[Deleted]

When Amanda had called him and asked him to meet at the park today, he had quickly agreed. He arrived at the park a good thirty minutes before their agreed upon meeting time, a decision he was beginning to regret as he sat on a park bench nursing his steaming hot cup of coffee. Leave it to Amanda to want to meet at the park of all places he mused, didn't she realize that it was in still wintertime in Chicago? A fairly mild winter for Chicago granted, but still winter nonetheless. The mild weather was about the only thing he ever missed about North Carolina. He could think of a bunch of places to meet that would have been a whole lot warmer.

While waiting on Amanda to arrive, he began to wonder what had prompted her decision to meet in the first place. Not that he was complaining, but their on again off again relationship had been more off again than on over the past month, and he had found himself missing her a lot. The feeling of missing someone was foreign to him, he tried not to let himself get close enough to people that he would miss them when they eventually left. Amanda and Jesse had managed to worm their way past his defenses, and over the last month he had found himself missing the time that he had been spending with the both of them a great deal.

Eric had spent so much of his life trying to avoid forming any personal attachments and serious relationships that he would most likely deny it to his dying day, but the thought of caring about any one person as much as he had come to care about Amanda and Jesse was just about the single scariest thing he could even begin to think of.

He was so lost in his thoughts that he didn’t even notice when Amanda walked up.

Amanda Rollins

[Amanda Rollins]

[attr="class","atar"] Jesse was particularly fussy this afternoon. The stage between one and two was all her fighting naps and making sure that Amanda had her hands full during the day. Oh how she missed those days when things were much more simple. Then again things weren't simple at all since she lost her job in New York. Eric and Amanda had been off and on since her arrival in Chicago and then there was Jesse. Amanda still getting up the nerve to tell Eric the truth. Neither one could do the whole commitment thing well. She approached from a distance with Jesse on her hip. The sixteen month old was playing with Amanda's hair. Jesse was looking more and more like Eric as time went on. Amanda knew she was going to have to say something. Though it slipped out as she approached and Jesse was reaching for Eric. "I know I know you want to go see Daddy." There was a pause as she shuffled Jesse around. "No you can't have that. Can I have my hair back now?" There was a playful look exchanged at the child. "Thank you" she replied when Jesse finally let go of the Golden locks. Nothing like fingers to get caught up in her fresh curls for the day

Rollins @eric notes

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[Deleted]

Eric’s head snapped up and his eyes searched Amanda’s when he heard the words ‘go see Daddy’ come out of her mouth. He was slightly dizzy and felt like he’d had the wind knocked out of him, but he still had the presence of mind to stand up and reach out for Jesse who had been reaching for him. “Hey sweet pea, how’s my girl? I’ve missed you too baby.” He said as he wrapped her up in a hug and twirled her around as he felt her tiny arms go around his neck. It was the truth, he had missed both her and her mother something terrible over the last month. “Have you been giving Mommy a hard time today?” He asked her as he kissed her on the cheek a couple of times, “You’ve got to be nice to Mommy baby girl.”

Pulling his attention away from the tiny blonde in his arms he took a deep breath and finally looked back to Amanda, “I’ve missed you too, you know? This silly game that we both play of pushing each other away all the time is going to be awful hard for Jesse to understand as she gets older.” He desperately wanted to call Amanda out on the daddy comment, but decided that he needed to process things first. He’d had his suspicions lately because Jesse was starting to look an awful lot like him, but figured that Amanda would have told him the truth a long time ago had it been true. Eric needed to calm down and wrap his mind around things before he panicked, because he knew that both Amanda and Jesse deserved better than that.

Balancing Jesse on one hip he wrapped his other arm around Amanda to pull her close, he had to fight the urge to kiss her because he wasn’t quite sure how that would go over at this point. So he did what he does best, kept talking. “You both look nice today, did you have something else planned or did both of you get all prettied up just to come see me?” He looked back to Jesse and smiled, “Does my Princess want to go play on the playground with me? We could swing and go down the slide, and if Mommy says it’s ok maybe we could even go see the animals. Doesn’t that sound like fun?”

Amanda Rollins,

[Amanda Rollins]

[attr="class","atar"] Amanda let Jesse wiggle out of her arms and into Eric's. It was nice to see that Jesse wanted to be with Eric. There was hope in that department of course. Though Amanda wasn't really sure where she stood on the whole thing of it. After she came to Chicago... things had been different and Eric didn't exactly know her past history. Amanda had a hard time holding down relationships because of her own family and Patton. She didn't want to feel forced into one because of Jesse. Though Jesse hadn't been planned, the blonde never thought of her daughter as a mistake. When Eric finally said something all Amanda could do was nod. What part did he just miss? Sure he was right in some ways but was getting into things before they were both ready a smart idea? They all needed to be happy, and its why she let Jesse see Eric as much as he wanted without protesting. The last month had just been full of the two girls being sick and the last thing she had wanted to share was sick germs. The blonde leaned into his hug as he wrapped his arms around her on the other side. Amanda ran a hand through Jesse's hair. Amanda wanted so badly to tell Eric to have fun with Jesse for the day. Closing her her eyes as she rested on his shoulder, she wasn't really sure what to day. "You are flattering us. Just spit it out." She picked her head up and turned it into his direction. "It's good to be feeling better." She didnt ignore his comments about the zoo but since when had Amanda ever made Eric ask for permission when it came to Jesse. Amanda wasn't going to be the one to stand in the way of the relationship between them. Amanda laid her head back down on Eric's shoulder and watched as Jesse made faces.

Rollins @eric notes

wolf[newclass=".atar::-webkit-scrollbar"]width: 5px; background:#000;[/newclass] of [newclass=".atar::-webkit-scrollbar-thumb"]width: 5px;background:#fff;[/newclass]GS

[Deleted]

"It's not flattery, if it's true." He said as he looked at her, "And it's definitely true. I'm one lucky guy to get to hang out with two beautiful ladies today." He said as he kissed Jesse on the cheek, "I'm glad both my girls are feeling better." He squeezed Amanda a little tighter as he felt her lay her head on his shoulder. Turning to place a kiss on top of Amanda's head he spoke to her, "I meant what I said Amanda, I really missed you... a lot. I...well it gets harder to be away from you every time we do this." Turning his attention back to Jesse who had grabbed a handful of his hair and yanked, "Geez darlin' when did you get so fascinated with hair? That hurt munchkin."

Eric noticed that Amanda hadn't said anything when he mentioned the zoo, so he continued talking to Jesse as he left his arm draped around Amanda. It felt nice to have both of them in his arms again. "I was hoping that Mommy might join us at the Zoo, what do you think? You think we could talk her into it?"

Turning towards the playground he tickled Jesse's side causing her to giggle and kick. "How about you and I go play for a bit and figure out how you and I are going to convince Mommy to come with us. That will give Mommy a few minutes on her own to do whatever she pleases, unless she wants to play with us." He tilted his head and cocked a brow in Amanda's direction before chuckling and pressing another kiss to the top of her head, "You do whatever you want babe, I've got her if you need a bit of a break. But if you don't have any other plans for tonight, I think we have a few things we probably need to talk about."

Tag: Amanda Rollins

[Amanda Rollins]

[attr="class","atar"] Amanda wasn't really sure what she wanted right now. "There's not much to talk about." She got lost in the conversation about the zoo. Just nodding and following she wasn't really sure what she wanted to do. She looked towards him as he mentioned the subject in third person. "I'm standing right here." She hated being 'talked around' even if it was to their daughter. She knew he was trying to be cute but at the same time it got under her skin. Closing her eyes she moved off from his hold and began wandering around where she could keep an eye on Jesse and Eric. Not that she didn't trust Eric, she was just an overprotective mother. It was part of being a cop thing. Amanda had to admit she did miss Eric; but she was stubborn and independent. At least he didn't turn Jesse away, she was thankful for the little things and she had never tried to keep them apart. Watching the child wrap her arms around Eric and lay her head down she had a feeling that Jesse was more likely to sleep than go pull herself up on the edge of the playground. Though she didn't blame the child, it was almost nap time and Jesse knew Eric safe. "I'm off tommorrow," the last thing she wanted to converse about was getting into a relationship. Even a no strings attached relationship wasn't something she was ready for.

Rollins @eric notes

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[Deleted]

Eric sighed and shrugged his shoulders when Amanda said there wasn't much to talk about, "Oh.. Uh, Ok then forget I said anything." He tried his best to keep his tone neutral and not give away the hurt that he was feeling. He caught her eye right before she told him that she was standing right there, and mumbled "Sorry" before she pulled away from him to wander around.

He pulled himself together and when he felt Jesse lay her head down he placed a kiss on top of her head and whispered, "It's ok baby girl you can go to sleep, I've got you... there's plenty of time to play when you wake up." He sat down on a nearby bench and was quickly lost in thought, he almost missed Amanda saying that she was off tomorrow.

He didn't know what to think or feel at that point, this was why he didn't do relationships. This part sucked. He was brushing some hair out of Jesse's face when he mumbled, "Ok, well that's up to you... you already told me that there was nothing to talk about. So there's no sense in trying to force something that apparently neither of us is ready for."

Eric busied himself talking to Jesse and watching her fall asleep so that he could avoid looking at or talking to Amanda. It was also a good distraction from the hurt that he was feeling, he was going to need a good drink after today was over. No right now he needed to hold himself together and play with Jesse, there would be time for dealing with his feelings for Amanda later.

Apparently he had misinterpreted Amanda's reason for wanting to meet today. He chided himself for getting his hopes up for something that apparently wasn't going to happen anytime soon, if ever. He had even gone as far as to let himself imagine a future with Amanda, and that's something he had never done before. Maybe he was better off swearing off relationships again, it didn't hurt nearly as bad when there were no feelings involved.

Looking down at Jesse he swallowed and took a deep breath looking around for Amanda knowing that she'd be close, when he spotted her he called out to her. "Amanda, come here please... I'm an idiot and I need to fix this now, before it get's any further out of hand."

Tag: Amanda Rollins

[Amanda Rollins]

[attr="class","atar"] Amanda wanted to run far away from this. She didn't want to talk, it hurt to talk and there was nothing she could do about it. She was hardly going to show her emotions to Eric. Ha, yeah that wasn't happening. She watched Jesse with Eric. She'd never take that from him nor had she ever kept him from seeing Jesse from day one. She'd just not told him the truth fearing he'd try to push a relationship she wasn't really ready for, and right now she felt pressured now that the cat was out of the bag. "I have never forced anything with you. Ever." Her response was hot and she wanted to run. She was being honest, and to have him sit there and accuse one of them at forcing anything between them. How dare he. She hurt, and she'd been hurting. She didn't want a relationship but she knew he was right that Jesse was going to ask questions but then that never worked as a solid relationship. 'Stay together for the kids' ended in nothing but hurt and heartbreak years later. She half ignored him as she watched kids run around on the playground. So innocent, so happy, and loved. Amanda's history was one of heartbreak and her job daily just involved more of it. Families who weren't happy, families who were torn apart. Amanda had asked Olivia how she had done her job every day and still trusted men. There was a balance. Amanda hid her tears as she looked back at the ground. It had taken Amanda a long time to get over what Patton did to her, what her sister kept trying to do and all the heartbreak her family had caused. Amanda didn't want any heartbreak for Jesse, she wanted to protect her. Without explaining ten million things to Eric she didn't want to possibly explain, she couldn't express what she really wanted to say. "Come here? Please or not. I am not a dog Eric." She replied not realizing the tears had crept into her voice. She tucked her feet up under her on the bench and rested her chin on her knees. She'd given him the truth and now he wanted her to come crawling with her tail between her legs? No. She bit her lip and focused back on the mulch which lay at her feet.

Rollins @eric notes

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[Deleted]

Eric knew he had messed up when he heard her response, but he knew better than to try and defend himself. He had spoken without thinking in reaction to the hurt he had felt when she told him there was nothing to discuss, and now he had hurt her. He sat and watched her struggle to control her emotions and wanted nothing more than to go to her and pull her close and hold her.

When he admitted to being an idiot and asked her to come here, she went on about not being a dog he realized how badly he must have hurt her. He scooted closer to her and put his free arm around her and kissed the side of her head. "Babe, I've already admitted to being an idiot once and it's true. I spoke without thinking and did the one thing I've never wanted to do. I hate that I've hurt you, I know that you've never forced anything between the two of us. Maybe I'm the one forcing things... I don't know."

He sighed as he looked down at Jesse sleeping peacefully in his arms, "I don't know what I would do without you and Jesse in my life, and we'll take things at your pace... but I'm not going anywhere." He got lost in thought as he sat there with both his girls in his arms thinking about how perfect this would be if Amanda wasn't upset. He wanted so badly to tell her that he loved her, but those were words he used sparingly and knowing that Amanda wasn't ready to hear them yet he decided to keep it to himself for a bit longer.

He repositioned Jesse so that she looked more comfortable and just watched her sleep. He smiled as he watched her, so innocent and sweet. "She's perfect Amanda, and I've always loved her... from day one even when I didn't know."

Amanda Rollins

[Amanda Rollins]

[attr="class","atar"] Amanda wasn’t sure what she wanted at the moment. Though she was certain that she was pushing it away for her own selfish reasons. But what was really the right answer in this. The two were so on again off again that it made it impossible to know what she really wanted. She thought about pulling away from him when he pulled her close and she couldn’t. She just let him wrap her up and for once in her life she listened. Usually, she was the one doing all the talking. “Ya know, I just don’t wanna make the same mistakes that my mama and baby sister did. I wanna make whatever we make work the right way and not because we are expected to be the perfect family by society.” Amanda had a lot of issues with trying to express what she was trying to get a cross much less it was a hard concept. “It’s not that I don’t want that.. I just… I have ta know its the right time ya know?” “There ain’t a doubt in my mind that I love you. Jesse is proof that ain’t up for debate. I don’t wanna screw anything up.” The fact she was admitting all of that was not easy for her and she looked over to their daughter who had fallen asleep so easily. She rested on Eric’s shoulder just watching Jesse sleep. “I couldn’t tell you ‘cuz I didn’t want you to take off. I know it sounds stupid an’ all but it was what my daddy did ta me.” Was it selfish to make Eric fall in love with Jesse first? Probably, but if he put it on her; she’d deal with it. “My daddy left when I was little. He was the center of my world. He calls every now and again an’ I still take his calls but I don’t want Jesse’s life to be like mine and I don’t think my daddy treated my momma right.” She pointed out. “And that’s on me. But it explained why she was so scared of going forward with every step. It’s not that I don’t wanna have us, the three of us. I just don’t know how to process it all.” At least she was being honest. “That ain’t on you.” She was talking in circles...

Rollins @eric notes

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[Deleted]

For once in his life Eric was quiet, just enjoying the time holding his daughter and Amanda close. He listened to her speak about the mistakes her mother and sister had made. He held her close absentmindedly rubbing his hand up and down her arm and remained silent to let her get out what she needed to say before he even thought about speaking.

"We're going to make mistakes Amanda, it's part of life, but I could never call you a mistake. I want to be with you more than anything in the world, but not at the expense of rushing things and making you feel uncomfortable. So I'm here, not going anywhere, how about we take things slow and see where they end up?"

When Amanda admitted that she loved him he pulled back to look at her, he was shocked. Not that he didn't already know that he loved Amanda but he hadn't expected her to admit to her feelings so readily. He smiled and kissed the top of her head, "That's good to know... because I love you and Jesse more than I ever thought possible. I know I've been running and hiding from things because of the mistakes I've seen both my father and brother make, I'm not sure if I ever told you or not but I grew up watching my Dad beat my mother into submission. When I saw my brother doing the same to his girlfriend I was scared I'd turn out the same way, but I know now without a shadow of a doubt that I could never raise a hand to either you or Jesse. Like I said Amanda, I'm here... not going anywhere. You take as much time as you need to figure things out and no matter what you decide I'll always be here for Jesse."

He was silent for a few minutes thinking things through, He was terribly inept at getting certain points across. He could talk for days and never really say anything but when he had something important to say, he could never find the right words. "Am I makin' any sense Darlin'? Or should I just give up and stop talkin'?"

Amanda Rollins

[Amanda Rollins]

[attr="class","atar"]Amanda wasn’t sure what mistakes she was ready to make and not make. She got everything out she needed to say. The comfort of his arms it felt right. “I know what I want… I just..” She wasn’t sure how to say it. Amanda wanted it for Jesse but she had to be ready for it too. She knew she loved Eric and that’s what scared her. What if she messed up? “I don’t want us to be a mistake.” She was so scared of her past that it was haunting her. Nodding when he mentioned them taking things slow. She had no doubt she was in love with the man who had her in her arms. Talking just wasn’t her thing at all. Amanda froze somewhat when he pulled away but then relaxed feeling the kiss around the top of her head. She did more listening and she realized they were both in the same place. “You’re making sense. I’m just tryin’ to process stuff too.” There was a pause. “But this…” She kissed his lips softly. “I’m not givin’ up on.” There was a soft smile. She felt better about things but as tired as she was, she fell asleep on his shoulder somewhere through the silence that followed.

Rollins @eric notes

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