Questioning My Career: Judgment in error & errors in judgmen

[Deleted]

James Reagan

tag

words

"Maybe in a minute." James snorted shaking his head "As bad as I did yesterday...only now I feel the sickest I've ever felt in my entire life." James regarded him quietly, Matt was already feeling bad enough - James didn’t want to push him hard. "Thanks, Man." When Matt thanked him for how he acted James just gave a modest shake of his head "Drinking never solve anything, Man. All the problems are still there in the morning, only you end up with a hangover to go with it." James nodded, he knew why Matt had said it, quietly regarding him "Look...I'm sorry, I I-uh really didn't plan to get so drunk..." James had known it was coming, even though James had reassured him he had known Matt would feel compelled to talk about it "I was just gonna take the edge off, you know? Then I guess I had one to many coz I'm really not used to drinking. After that I figured I'm already down the rabbit hole...Still it couldn't have been pretty for you." James shrugged, it wasn’t like James hadn’t seen it all before "So, did I do anything stupid last night?" "I didn't drunk messages anyone or anything like that did I?" James snorted chuckling lightly "...Or say something I might regret?" “Nope” James replied kindly “Stop worrying Matt” he said simply “Look, you got the day off today - take advantage, I asked for the day off today too - so we’re gonna sort this mess out here” he indicated the table “And get something into our system okay?” he asked.

notes

♡

[Matthew Cole]

“Nope”

Matt was relieved to hear that.
He assumed he hadn't said anything smart in his drunken state, but at least he hadn't said anything stupid. It was one less thing to have to feel bad about.

“Stop worrying Matt”

Matt just looked at James, his face still a little peaky and his eyes still a little tired looking.
He knew he had messed up and now he had apologized he was going to leave it there...If only it could be that simple over Cooper's case he thought, briefly lowering his head and running a hand through his hair.

“Look, you got the day off today - take advantage, I asked for the day off today too - so we’re gonna sort this mess out here”

Matt nodded lightly.

“And get something into our system okay?”

Matt looked at James, practically freezing in position as a look came over his face.
He immediately stood to his feet and ran for the bathroom, putting a hand over his mouth.
   
He pushed the door behind him as he entered the bathroom but hand no time to make sure that it had closed properly before he started retching as he reached the toilet and knelt down on one knee.

He spent the best part of five minutes throwing up and heaving before the overwhelming nausea began to settle down, though that did not mean that he felt good. 

"Garrr." He groaned lightly, hitting the leaver with the side of his fist flushing the toilet before catching his breath for a couple of moments.
 
He stood back to his feet and flushed again just for good measure and stepped over to the sink to rinse his mouth with mouthwash.    

Confident enough that he had finished throwing up, for now at least, he stepped out of the bathroom and slowly walked over to the table, grabbing a bottle of watter before pulling out the chair and sitting down.

He rested an elbow on the table and put his hand to his head, gently massaging his temple with his fingers, "My head is killing me too much to be a good host right now. But you know where everything is if you want anything."

Taking the lid off he drank a few good mouthfuls to rehydrate himself before putting the bottle down and looking to James. He knew he had to face this and it was a good idea to start doing that while he had a friend around to help...Though he had no idea where to start.

"You know my dad always used to tell us that everything looks worse at night. But the sun's up now and none of this looks any better." He began softly.

Matt sighed and rubbed the back of his neck, "I still can't do anything to make things right. But at least the initial shock's worn off so I can start to face it."

He frowned tiredly, "Accept the situation for what it is, rather than trying to drown it out."
As much as he didn't want to, he knew he had to and so he would. Or he would try to at least.

Tag: @james .

[Deleted]

James Reagan

tag Matthew Cole

words

At the look on Matt’s face James inwardly groaned, oh here it comes - he watched Matt run out to the bathroom and shook his head - standing he strolled over to the kitchen and started cleaning up a little. After a while he heard Matt come back out and turning he saw Matt sit down at the table - he regarded him for a moment "My head is killing me too much to be a good host right now. But you know where everything is if you want anything." James shrugged and nodded "You know my dad always used to tell us that everything looks worse at night. But the sun's up now and none of this looks any better." James chuckled “Your dad is right” he said pointedly as he walked over to sit opposite and placed elbows on the table "I still can't do anything to make things right. But at least the initial shock's worn off so I can start to face it." James nodded "Accept the situation for what it is, rather than trying to drown it out." again James nodded “Look Matt, changing it will never happen - running from it won’t make it any better, the night makes everything look dark and bad, truthfully” he said softly “But how we choose to use the day changes how everything looks” he shrugged. He knew there was still the internal investigation into the case and the whole digging everything else up but he hoped Matt's good record would go in his favour.

"You remember I told you I used to work with Chris before I moved away?" he asked

♡

[Matthew Cole]

“Your dad is right”

Matt looked at James as he spoke. Beginning to feel a little less rough now that the shot he took to take the edge off his hangover began to help.   
   
“Look Matt, changing it will never happen - running from it won’t make it any better, the night makes everything look dark and bad, truthfully”  

The tired frown was still on his face as he listed. He rested his elbow back on the table and slowly ran a hand over his hair as James went on.

“But how we choose to use the day changes how everything looks”

Matt blinked slowly and let out a faint sigh as he considered what had been said.
James was right, but his words didn't really seem to help much right now. Everything was still rather raw and it would take time.

The truth was that Matt didn't know how to use the day. No that wasn't true, he knew he had to decide what he wanted to do, or rather what he should do. He didn't know if he could still be a detective and he was going to take the day to start seriously thinking about it.

A decision like that couldn't be made in a hurry and, as with grief, definitely shouldn't be made based on emotion while they were still so fresh inside of him.
Provided that the choice was still his to make that was, and that the ongoing investigation wouldn't result in him loosing his badge.

But other than that there was nothing he could do with the day to make amends. Nothing he could do to put things right. Nothing he could do concerning the investigation. Nothing he could do to appease his guilt.

"You remember I told you I used to work with Chris before I moved away?"

“Yeah.” He answered.

James had mentioned it when he first met Matt back when he flew straight in to Chicago following Chris' murder. It had come up a few times in casual conversations between the pair since Chris' funeral as well.

“Whys that?” He asked casually.

Unsure if James was going to try and make a helpful point or share a relevant anecdote, or if he was simply making small talk to get conversation going before getting into the bigger issues. After all Matt wasn't usually one to jump straight into his emotions.

Tag: @james

[Deleted]

James Reagan

tag

words

“Yeah.” Glad that Matt remembered James sat back crossing his arms thoughtfully “Whys that?” James exhaled “Chris…” he started before his cellphone rang, frowning he stood up and headed for the couch where his jacket lay, fishing his cellphone out of the inner pocket he absently hit answer without checking the ID and placed the phone to his ear as he walked back to the table “Reagan” he paused and rose a brow “Sir?” he nodded “Got it sir” removing the phone from his ear and sitting down he hit hang up and placed the phone down in front of him as he sat back again and sighed “You know, you can tell me anything you want right? I know there’s something you still haven’t told me” he said softly - Matt had promised to tell him what happened during the interviews etc before it all hit the fan, now James wanted to poke. He knew it was a little raw but he wanted Matt to confront it all and not just bury it. He’d talk about Chris later, his interest had been piqued by the phonecall.

notes

♡

[Matthew Cole]

“Chris…”
James began, before his phone started to ring causing him to cut off before he said any more.

Matt took the lid off his water bottle and took a few sips, re-hydrating himself as he absent-mindedly watched James walk to the couch and back.

“Reagan”

Trying not to eavesdrop Matt casually glanced at his watch and rubbed his face with both hands. Thankfully he was starting to feel a little better still, his head wasn't AS agonizingly painful anyway.

“Sir?”
He wasn't listing in but James was standing right by the table and Matt's attention was caught as James paused and raised an eyebrow.

“Got it sir”
He watched as James sat back down. He was just going to ask if everything was okay when James spoke first.

“You know, you can tell me anything you want right? I know there’s something you still haven’t told me”

Matt looked at him with a slightly quizzical look, unsure what he was referring to exactly.
So much had happened in the past couple of days it all seemed like to mix together.
And last night was just a hazy blur and he simply had no recollection of anything that happened between those few hours and now.

He thought for a second but nothing specific came to mind. “What are you talking about?” He asked softly.

The interviews had been routine; a bunch of different people asking the same questions over and over again. It certainly hadn't been fun but nothing particularly notable or out of the ordinary had happened. Nothing that he knew about anyway or could remember in his hungover state at least, and certainly nothing he had purposely not told James about yet.

In the back of his mind he had to wonder what had just been said on the phone to make James make that statement. Did James know something he didn't?

Tag: @james.

Ooc: I wasn't sure what James was talking about lol, so I played it that way. I can always edit if you wanna play it another way

[Deleted]

James Reagan

tag: Matthew Cole

words

“What are you talking about?” James had to admit he knew he’d have Matt all concerned “The interviews” he said calmly “You wanna talk about them?” The CO hadn’t said anything specific to him, but had asked him to question Matt about them, which was the only reason why James was asking else he wouldn’t. James was concerned about how the day had gone yesterday, whether or not Matt’s head was still screwed on straight after the heavy day yesterday.

notes: I think we need something... cause my muse couldn't brain anything... ideas? Sorry I really suck

♡

[Matthew Cole]

“The interviews” “You wanna talk about them?”

“Not much to talk about really. Just sitting in a room for hours answering the same questions over and over, you know?” He began coolly. “Made to feel like your a criminal” He muttered quietly.  “The usual.”

He sighed lightly before continued, “I think I did ok though. I hope I did ok” He said, talking about the answers he gave. “I just told them what happened, told them the truth and now I just have to wait it out and see what happens.” He finished, giving James a gentle shrug.
He was a little tired and hungover but, compared to last night he was holding it together again this morning.      

Matt put one hand loosely round his water bottle and gently ran his other hand through his hair, “I can't go back to work until they finish reviewing all of my cases.”

He sighed very lightly, “Don't know how long that's gonna take.”
Both men knew it could take a while, and both men knew sitting at home doing nothing wasn't what Matt did best. Especially when there was something big happening in his life, or some kind of grief or upset he had to process, that was when he busied himself with work the most until he was ready to deal with it.  

Matt went quiet for a moment, briefly lowering his eyes and gently twiddling the water bottle as he prepared himself to admit it out loud.

He lifted his eyes to meeting James's, “Truth is I don't know if I'll be going back at all.” That wasn't easy for him to say.

Yes he had confessed it last night in his drunken haze, but he didn't remember and now, as hard as it was,  he was saying it sober. He was facing his grief and uncertainties about the potential loss of his career, which wasn't easy for him to do.   

“When I was driving around after I found out what I'd done, when you came and found me on make out point I found myself asking if I could be a cop anymore.”  

He shook his head oh so lightly, “Now I'm just finding myself asking what else I could do instead.” He confessed in a low voice. It was painful to say after being a cop for so much of his adult life.

He sighed heavily, “A PI or a security guard? As cliche as that is.” he said with a hint of defeat in his voice. Implying that he had practically decided he was gonna turn in his badge.

It wasn't set in stone yet, and it wasn't a decision he was making in hast or purely out of guilt, shock and emotion, though that had some bearing, and it had nothing to do with feeling sorry for himself.
No, he had become a cop to do good and if the day had come where he was doing harm instead then he knew that was the day he had to stop being a cop, whether he wanted to or not.   

After a moment Matt stood up and went over to the coffee maker, almost brushing off what he had just said. He wasn't after pity or attention, he just said what he needed to admit to someone out loud because that was the first step with these kinds of things apparently.

No, no. At the beginning of all of this he and James had established that the first step was 'hold it together'. He just had to face things and get on with it, which was what he was doing as he poured himself some coffee.

Tag: @james

[Deleted]

Mar 14, 2017 14:26:22 GMT @james said:

James Reagan

tag

words

“Not much to talk about really. Just sitting in a room for hours answering the same questions over and over, you know?” James was quiet as he let Matt start speaking, his own observations kicking in “Made to feel like your a criminal” “The usual.” “I think I did ok though. I hope I did ok” “I just told them what happened, told them the truth and now I just have to wait it out and see what happens.” Well at least he was a lot more talkative now than the night before, that was a good thing right “I can't go back to work until they finish reviewing all of my cases.” James nodded in agreement “Don't know how long that's gonna take.” well James knew that they both knew it would take a while - as Matt went quiet and started fiddling James knew there was something coming “Truth is I don't know if I'll be going back at all.” to hear Matt say it when he was drunk was one thing, to hear him say it when he was lucid was another thing altogether “When I was driving around after I found out what I'd done, when you came and found me on make out point I found myself asking if I could be a cop anymore.” James had to contemplate his approach now as Matt continued to speak “Now I'm just finding myself asking what else I could do instead.” James exhaled sitting forward he rested his elbows on the table again as he crossed his arms “A PI or a security guard? As cliche as that is.” As Matt stood up and headed for the coffee maker James watched him quietly - as much as he hated to throw another spanner in the works he had to come out and tell Matt what the call had been about “Matt” he said softly “Listen” he started calmly.

If he wasn’t careful Matt could either crash and burn again, lash out or take it really well - it depended on how James told him “Your CO called me, updated me on Cooper” a beat and exhaling James stood and headed over, reaching over he took hold of Matt’s shoulder - gently pulling him away from the counter, as if separating Matt from whatever could be seen as dangerous, he tried to meet Matt’s eyes as he dropped his hand and pocketed it along with his other “Cooper, is suing the city. several names are named in the lawsuit - including you”

Yep harsh news but James had been thinking over everything he’d said to Matt, also everything Matt had said to him - thinking over everything he’d learned, heard and said over the time he’d known Matt and well - if anything, he knew Matt could handle it but also that Matt just needed to focus and James had to help him to.

notes

♡

[Matthew Cole]

Matt took the jug from the coffee maker and was pouring himself a mug when James spoke.

“Matt”

He could tell by his tone that something was coming.

“Listen”

Matt put the jug down on the side and turned to face James, holding the mug by the handle in one hand.  

“Your CO called me, updated me on Cooper”

A light frown appeared on his deadpan expression. He looked at James as he exhaled and stood up putting a hand on his shoulder, whatever it was he knew it wasn't good.

“Cooper, is suing the city. several names are named in the lawsuit - including you”

Matt's expression dimmed a little, he exhaled out of his mouth as he shook his head and rolled his eyes very lightly in a way that said, “I can't believe this but I saw it coming.”  

Sighing he looked at James tiredly, “I can't say I'm surprised.” He raised an eyebrow, a deadpan expression on his face, “Can't say I blame him.”

It was another blow but he took it well. In fact he barely reacted at all, let alone freaked out over it.
Truth was it made him feel even worse which somehow helped him feel a little better in a way. Like he was receiving some kind of punishment for his mistake, and that in turn went some way to alleviating his guilt because he felt he deserved it.

He stepped passed James and sat back down at the table with his coffee.
The past few days had wrung him out and he was done melting down or acting out anymore, he was too tired to. Now he was just holding it together and pushing through the best he knew how.

“If you're going to screw something up.” He snorted to himself.

“Do it properly.” He said facetiously with a little ironic smirk, raising his coffee mug in a toasting manner before putting it to his lips and taking a sip.

Tag: @james

[Deleted]

James Reagan

tag

words

As the words left his own mouth he watched Matt’s expression “I can't believe this but I saw it coming.”  quirking an eyebrow James watched quietly “I can't say I'm surprised.” “Can't say I blame him.” James regarded him as he passed him and moved back to the table “If you're going to screw something up.” “Do it properly.” at least he didn’t have a bottle in his hand else James would have blown his top, approaching James sat opposite him and contemplated his words as he sat back his hands clasped on his lap “So. still think this is all on you?” he asked before continuing not allowing Matt to butt in “What about the court case?” he asked “Once you made the arrest there was the enquiry then the court case no?” he asked “Due process and all that?”

(See Note)

notes: Let's string this bit out a bit have him argue a bit about it

♡

[Matthew Cole]

Matt swallowed his sip of coffee and set his mug back down on the table as James sat back and clasped his hands on his lap.

“So. still think this is all on you?”

Matt looked at him, but James went on without allowing him to speak.

“What about the court case?”

Matt just looked at James and was quiet for a second before James continued.     

“Once you made the arrest there was the enquiry then the court case no?” “Due process and all that?”

Again Matt remained quiet for a moment as he processed what James had said.
He ran a hand through his hair as he sat there contemplating it for a second, his thought pattern beginning to shift a little as he suddenly started to see the situation in a new light.

Matt looked to James with a serious and thoughtful expression, "I never thought about it that way." He admitted.  
James actually had a very, very good point, he hadn't sent the guy to jail alone and that realization got Matt thinking about it from another angle.

"Your right." He said somewhat softly, his mind still coming round to the new way of seeing it and working to let go of SOME of the guilt.

Then Matt leaned forwards resting his elbows on the table, his eyes closed and his hands on his face as he exhaled through a slacked jaw.
Literally and visibly breathing out and letting go of his crippling anguish in that moment as he felt the crushing burden of guilt he had been carrying being lifted off of him a bit, not completely but enough for him to be able to take a step back and be able to breathe again.

"I mean I arrested him, but your right, man.. He was found guilty by a jury of his peers. I-I wasn't the only who thought he was the guy." He said in a soft, thoughtful tone, processing it out loud.

That was what pulled Matt back from the edge like he had so desperately been needing.
There had been a whole trial and a jury of HIS peers had looked at the same evidence as him and made the guilty verdict themselves. That meant that this was not ALL on him and he didn't have to carry it on his own.

He rubbed a hand over his mouth and went quiet again as he sat there thinking over it all. He nodded gently to himself, his face clearly showing his mind was working through things.
He had genuinely thought that Cooper was the guy when he arrested him, but he had been wrong and would have to carry that with him, but at least now he maybe didn't have to question himself as a detective quite so much as he had been.

After a moment Matt took his hand away from his mouth and turned his eyes back to James, looking him in the face, "Thank you."

There was so much said in those two words.
He wasn't just thanking James for helping him see the situation in a different light, or for everything he had done in the past couple of days - but for everything.

The pair had both had a lot of ups and downs in their lives recently. They had been there for each other and had been through a lot together and James had grown to become his friend in every sense of the word.
Matt had really been a lone wolf kind of guy and had the habit suppressing his emotions, but he had grown a lot in that regard since Chris' death, he had grown a lot as a person and James had played a very big part in that.

Matt exhaled lightly, letting the heaviness of that morning lighten.

He got up and took two bowls out of the cupboard, putting them on the table before grabbing a box of cereal and getting the milk from the fridge and putting them in the middle of the table for them both to eat.
He sat back down and poured himself a bowl and the pair began to eat.

Cooper was out now and would have to start rebuilding his life after what had happened, and after what had happened Matt would have to do some rebuilding of his own, he would still have to carry his share of guilt for his mistake but Matt had a lot of good people in his life, and as he sat there eating cereal with his best friend in comfortable silence, just as they had done so before, he knew he was gonna be alright.