Questioning My Career: Judgment in error & errors in judgmen

[Matthew Cole]

“Tell me more about the case, why you decided he was good for it”

Matt sighed, his eyes misting for a second, "He had been in the store a few times, got talking with the husband and knew he was going out of town. His car had been seen in the area the night it happened..." Matt shrugged, a slight look of hollowness in his eyes, "And the guy didn't have a very strong alibi." He finished, obviously growing a little drunker as the alcohol he had already drunk continued to absorb into his system. 

"We found his print on a roll of duct tape at the crime scene, figured it got there when he pulled a piece of tape off to put over her mouth."

Matt slid down in his chair slightly. Partly in defeat, partly out if the effect the alcohol was starting to take on him, "But he swore blind he was never in the apartment. Said he must of touched the tape when he was in the store shopping before it got into the apartment."

Matt lowered his head for a moment before he looked at James again, "There was another suspect that I looked into. But I had Cooper's finger print, one finger print in the apartment and his car in the area."

He resisted taking another mouthful from the bottle still in his hand, "Turns out the other suspect was the guy after all."

Tag: @james.

[Deleted]

James Reagan

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"He had been in the store a few times, got talking with the husband and knew he was going out of town. His car had been seen in the area the night it happened..." James nodded, well that was a ‘lead’ in a sense but he listened, choosing not to butt in, he’d ask more later "And the guy didn't have a very strong alibi." James remained quiet "We found his print on a roll of duct tape at the crime scene, figured it got there when he pulled a piece of tape off to put over her mouth." Studying him James considered his words "But he swore blind he was never in the apartment. Said he must of touched the tape when he was in the store shopping before it got into the apartment." "There was another suspect that I looked into. But I had Cooper's finger print, one finger print in the apartment and his car in the area." James rubbed his eyes a moment as if trying to steady his nerve before regarding Matt "Turns out the other suspect was the guy after all." "You’re not the first cop to get his first case wrong” he said softly “And you’re not gonna be the last, listen to me Matt - Drinking and feeling sorry for yourself isn’t gonna make it better” he tested the ground he was walking on, depending how Matt responded would decide his next line.

notes

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[Matthew Cole]

"You’re not the first cop to get his first case wrong”

"It wasn't my first case, but even if it was it's no excuse." He said in a voice barley above a whisper, his eyes lowering for a moment.

“And you’re not gonna be the last, listen to me Matt - Drinking and feeling sorry for yourself isn’t gonna make it better”

Matt looked at James, "Nothings going to make it better." Matt replied. It wasn't anger in his voice it was just emotion, though the two appeared kind of similar.

Matt leaned forwards for a moment as he spoke, "An innocent man went to jail for four years. His wife left him, he lost his business. He lost everything. I can't fix that, alright. Nobody can fix that."

He fell back, melting into the sofa again, "I don't feel sorry for myself - I feel incredibly guilty - but I feel sorry for him."

The emotion in his voice settled again and he just shrugged, "Look, your right. I know it's not gonna make anything better, but I figured it can't make tonight any worse. He knew that was no excuse either, but hey, what could he do?

"And don't worry, okay? I'm not as think as you drunk I am." He said sedately, his drunkenness beginning to come through in his voice as well as his words.

(Ooc: I had to borrow that 'think as you drunk I am' line from Scrubs, I found it just too good lol)

[Deleted]

James Reagan

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"It wasn't my first case, but even if it was it's no excuse." James’ point still stood, but he didn’t push it "Nothings going to make it better." the tone of his voice didn’t indicate anger but it indicated something - but James still listened "An innocent man went to jail for four years. His wife left him, he lost his business. He lost everything. I can't fix that, alright. Nobody can fix that." it was true, no one could fix it "I don't feel sorry for myself - I feel incredibly guilty - but I feel sorry for him." James pondered his words "Look, your right. I know it's not gonna make anything better, but I figured it can't make tonight any worse.” "And don't worry, okay? I'm not as think as you drunk I am." James nailed him with a look shaking his head “His name was Cooper” James replied humanising the guy Matt was talking about “Matt, look, feeling guilty is human, we all make the same kind of mistakes - I can tell you I’ve done it too, had the wrong guy. You think I didn’t go to a bar and drown my sorrows?” a beat and James considered his words “Back then I wasn’t an alcoholic, but it probably didn’t help” James knew what he was trying to say "But that won't change what's happened, it'll just block it out til the next time you have to face it, you have to face it now Matt" James reached for the bottle “Give it to me” he replied getting a grip on the bottle “Cause this isn’t helping you”

notes

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[Matthew Cole]

“His name was Cooper”

Matt scoffed and gave James an annoyed 'what the h**l' look, "You think I don't know that?" This time it was a touch of anger in his voice.

Sitting forwards on the edge of his seat he reached out and flipped the coffee table on its side in a small outburst of anger, his voice raising just a little as he went on, "His name is Evan Hubert Cooper. You think I don't know what his name is? You think I don't see his face every time I close my eyes, huh? You think I haven't been all day imagining what he went through and how he must have felt, being innocent and having no one believe him, watching as people abandoned him one by one?"

Matt lowered his voice again, speaking a little calmer, "I know his name, I don't need you to sit there and stick a damn knife in, man." He finished, the booze beginning to talk a little too.

“Matt, look, feeling guilty is human, we all make the same kind of mistakes - I can tell you I’ve done it too, had the wrong guy. You think I didn’t go to a bar and drown my sorrows?” “Back then I wasn’t an alcoholic, but it probably didn’t help”

Matt looked at James and listened, be it somewhat drunkenly, "But that won't change what's happened, it'll just block it out til the next time you have to face it, you have to face it now Matt"

Matt thought on James' words but before could respond James reached for the bottle, “Give it to me” “Cause this isn’t helping you”

Though he was finished drinking Matt immediately pulled the bottle away from James, putting it by his shoulder and raising an impaired eyebrow. His intoxicated logic telling him to keep it out of the recovering alcoholic's hands.

Matt let himself slip of the edge of his seat, comfortably sitting himself on the floor between the sofa and the coffee table with his legs pulled towards his body, the bottle still safely in his grasp.

His eyes a little dull and hazy as he looked ahead at nothing in particular, "I was alone in the interrogation room with the state prosecution lawyer after questioning Cooper again. We had one finger print and a couple of generalize witness statements, so she turned to me and asked me what I thought we should do, being lead detective and all."

Matt blinked tiredly, his tone dimming with everything he felt going on inside of him, "My gut told me he was the guy so I looked her in the eye and told her to charge him."

Matt looked to James, his eyes misted, "How do I face that?" He asked with a shrug. "Tell me how I deal with that, coz I've got no idea."

He shrugged again, before lightly shaking his head and looking to James for an answer, "I can't just put my hand up and say 'my bad'... As much as I want to I can't just go to Cooper and say I'm sorry. Sorry's not going to fix it, not that he'd want to hear it anyway. So tell me, what do I do? Coz I've got nothing."

 Tag: @james .

[Deleted]

James Reagan

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"You think I don't know that?" The look that Matt gave him told him he’d touched a nerve, well that was the whole point - either touch a nerve or not, and if he touched a nerve, so be it, as Matt moved to sit forward James stood moving away just in time as Matt flipped the table he had been sitting on over, yep Matt was angry "His name is Evan Hubert Cooper. You think I don't know what his name is? You think I don't see his face every time I close my eyes, huh? You think I haven't been all day imagining what he went through and how he must have felt, being innocent and having no one believe him, watching as people abandoned him one by one?" James regarded him quietly as he moved to sit on a different seat - choosing now to keep a slight distance "I know his name, I don't need you to sit there and stick a damn knife in, man." James was quiet, his intent had been to get Matt talking, and he was, James wouldn’t stop him, as Matt moved to the floor James watched him cautiously, when it came to sitting on the floor whilst in a state James knew it well "I was alone in the interrogation room with the state prosecution lawyer after questioning Cooper again. We had one finger print and a couple of generalize witness statements, so she turned to me and asked me what I thought we should do, being lead detective and all." "My gut told me he was the guy so I looked her in the eye and told her to charge him." No one could really fault someone for feeling the guilt for going with your gut, even if you didn't think it wrong at the time "How do I face that?" "Tell me how I deal with that, coz I've got no idea." "I can't just put my hand up and say 'my bad'... As much as I want to I can't just go to Cooper and say I'm sorry. Sorry's not going to fix it, not that he'd want to hear it anyway. So tell me, what do I do? Coz I've got nothing."

James let the silence fall for a moment before James himself slid to the floor and crossing his legs he leaned his elbows on his knees as he clasped his hands together, he wasn’t going to tower over Matt, he refused to tower over people in general - especially when he was trying to make them feel comfortable not intimidated by his height “No you’re right about that” he agreed simply “But you have to accept you made a mistake, let me ask you this - would you trust so little evidence NOW compared to before?” he asked if he could get Matt to think it through, granted it meant Matt admitting he made that mistake but it was a valid question “Would you think it through more now compared to before?” a beat “We all were young Detectives once Matt, young and ready to accept things at face value, even if it wasn’t what it seemed. You are still a good Detective Matt, you can’t go back and make it right, but you can choose to learn from it and not make that same mistake again. OR you could sit here wallowing?” he put the ball into Matt’s court

"Several years ago" James took a breath steadying his nerve, he wouldn't go into exact numbers, he didn't want anyone doing the math - even if it was just Matt - the less detail the better, but this was early in his first Army CID days. 

"Back when I was still Hostage Negotiator for the Army-CID" James didn't miss a beat "We, the team, got called out to a hostage situation - Man with a gun on the brink of self destruct, my first 'man with a gun' - It wasn't easy, we calmed him down and diffused the situation, released the hostage and arrested him and I thought it was over, I mean we had the suspect and we had the hostage safe. What could go wrong?" James shook his head "I thought I had all the signs right, thought I knew what to look for" a beat

"Turns out, I was completely wrong" James gritted his teeth "The suspect we had in custody tried to finish himself, when they saved him he asked for me. I went to see him thinking it was normal, he asked me if I'd ever made a mistake. I said no and he informed me I'd just made the biggest mistake of my life. I got a call, the hostage I'd rescued had just gone and killed the suspect's entire family. Turns out my 'hostage' had tried to threaten my 'suspect' in a public place and my 'suspect' turned the tables on him, but panicked when everyone called the cops on him, ended up taking the perp hostage instead, all he wanted was for us to rescue his family from being slaughtered by his hostage. Not one of us listened. I didn't hear him. It's my job to hear and I didn't" James exhaled "The family that died, that's on me, on my conscience every day. When I see a  man with a  gun now? I focus and listen, I never forget who and what they are. I have a photograph, on my locker of the man who I thought was my 'subject' instead he was a man at the edge of desperation - and I failed to hear him" James hated that memory, really did but he had to share.

"I'm not gonna sit here and tell you the guy will forgive you, he won't forgive the pain he had to go through - you won't be able to go talk to him, but you can focus on what you can do here and now, every case you take on from now on, remember him"

notes GAH MUSE ON FIRE! MUSE ON FIRE! I enjoyed that though!

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[Matthew Cole]

Matt watched as James sat on the floor.

“No you’re right about that” But you have to accept you made a mistake, let me ask you this - would you trust so little evidence NOW compared to before?"

Matt swallowed the small lump that formed in his throat as he listened.

“Would you think it through more now compared to before?”

Yes, he knew he would.
Practice and experience had taught him how to look at every angle and now he was, for the most part, an exemplary detective because it.

“We all were young Detectives once Matt, young and ready to accept things at face value, even if it wasn’t what it seemed. You are still a good Detective Matt, you can’t go back and make it right, but you can choose to learn from it and not make that same mistake again. OR you could sit here wallowing?”

Matt swollowed again, he knew that James was right, he couldn't and wasn't going to wallow over this forever, tonight yes because it was still all so raw and he was now too drunk to hold it together, but not forever. But he still couldn't help but wonder if and how many other mistakes he had made. How many cases would have to be re-opened.

"Several years ago..."

Matt listened as James recounted his story.
The alcohol was absorbing into his system by the minute and the room was beginning to spin, but he listened the best he could.

"I'm not gonna sit here and tell you the guy will forgive you, he won't forgive the pain he had to go through - you won't be able to go talk to him, but you can focus on what you can do here and now, every case you take on from now on, remember him"

Matt's eyes misted even more at James' final words.
The truth was he had to ask himself if he could continue being a detective at all, if he could continue having that kind of responsibility and the agonizing answer that he had to face was; No.

He looked to James. The words caught for a second before he spoke, it was hard to say them out loud, so hard. "I don't know if there will be any cases."

His eyes glistened with mist as the pained expression crossed his brow.
Finally saying it out loud unleashed everything he had been drinking to try not to feel. The alcohol and emotions suddenly tearing around inside of him at full force.

Being a cop wasn't who Matt was but it did give him his purpose, and the thought of giving up his career was an agonizing one, but one he had to face.
He was questioning everything he knew and everything he was, he felt so lost and turned around in that moment that he couldn't help but begin to melt down. He was on a cliff edge and desperately needed someone to pull him back in.

Tag: @james

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James Reagan

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James had been watching Matt whilst he’d been speaking so he hadn’t missed his expressions when he finished he heard words he never thought he’d hear Matt speak "I don't know if there will be any cases." quietly regarding him James shook his head “Matt, you need time, it won’t be easy but you need to get some rest” he indicated the bottle “Forget this drinking thing and just give yourself time to focus” He couldn’t talk to Matt whilst he was out of it, else they’d be running circles.

notes

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[Matthew Cole]

“Matt, you need time, it won’t be easy but you need to get some rest” “Forget this drinking thing and just give yourself time to focus”

Rest was a good idea though he was in too much of a state to be able to go to bed. He closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose, letting out a little sob.

He sat like that for a moment breathing heavenly, before swallowing hard and looking back at James. The alcohol completely taken over, "Your right, rests's probably a good idea." He said knowing James would need rest too.

He looked at James with a somewhat soppy expression in his eyes and patted him firmly on the shoulder, "You're a good friend." Yep, he was completely faced now.

Matt moved, his body slipping down and sprawling on the floor a little, before he pulled himself back up to a sitting position, "It's late, you should go. Go get some rest. I'm-I'm sorry I made you come over drunk like this."

"You just go, okay? I'm not gonna do anything stupid...I'm just gonna sit..." Matt put a hand on the sofa behind him and pushed himself up a few inches before drunkenly falling back down, "I'm just gonna sit here for a while." He staggered trying to get up again, "On the couch for a little while."

Tag: @james.

[Deleted]

James Reagan

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James regarded Matt for a moment, allowing him some space "Your right, rests's probably a good idea." well, at least Matt had agreed on something "You're a good friend." James regarded him, the effect of alcohol on people never ceased to amuse James despite the negative parts, he watched Matt struggle again "It's late, you should go. Go get some rest. I'm-I'm sorry I made you come over drunk like this." James snorted, rest? James? While his friend was in a state? "You just go, okay? I'm not gonna do anything stupid...I'm just gonna sit..." shaking his head James stood up slowly "I'm just gonna sit here for a while." exhaling James grimaced and stepped forward "On the couch for a little while." Leaning down James grabbed Matt’s arm and hauled Matt up enough to be able to push him onto the couch, once Matt was safely laying down James grabbed a blanket from the side and tossed it over Matt. No way was he gonna leave him to drown away his sorrows, no tomorrow when he’d sobered up then they’d talk. James settled himself into the armchair nearby and lay back to chill.

It was 6am when James woke suddenly and sighed, he’d fallen asleep? He shook his head and standing he strolled over to the kitchen.

notes

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[Matthew Cole]

As Matt fumbled trying to get up James stood and helped him up by his arm, helping him back onto the couch.

Matt was so drunk at that moment he fond sitting up an effort. He soon flopped into a laying potion on his stomach, with the bottle tucked in his arm and his cheek on the arm of the sofa using it as a pillow.

Though he did not admit it, he was glad that James had chosen to stay. Even though he was in no mood to talk right now and was in no state to anyway, he hadn't wanted James to go but felt it was too selfish to ask him to stick around after everything he had already done.
Even without talking it was nice having someone just sitting there not saying anything so that he did not have to be alone with his own thoughts...Like he and Chris used to do before Chris passed.    

It didn't take long for Matt to pass out, the first time he had ever passed out drunk.
6 am came as if only five minutes had passes and Matt was stirred by the buzz of the alarm clock on his phone.

He groaned as he came back to consciousness and reached out his hand from under the warmth of the blanket, habitually searching thin air for the alarm clock that was not there.     

He opened his eyes to see that he was in the living room, explaining why there was not bedside cabinet. He put his arm back under the blanket and killed the buzzing sounding coming from his pocket, Arrrg why was it sooo loud?     

After a moment Matt came too properly, he groaned before he pushed off the blanket and sat up. Arrrg, had he been drinking last night or using his head to chop firewood?

He looked at the bottle in his hand with a slight grimace before putting it on the seat next to himself, "Arrrg, my head." He moaned groggily, with a hand holding one side of his pounding skull.
 
His eyes came into focus and he observed the overturned coffee table, and the stool that had been placed next to the couch, "What happened last night?" He asked James, his voice and face showing how very hungover he was.

"Have you been here all night?" He asked, keeping his voice at a low level so as not to aggravate his own head.

Tag: @james .

[Deleted]

James Reagan

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Hearing the buzzing just as he entered the kitchen James glanced behind him to see Matt wriggling around and shook his head, boy was Matt gonna suffer today - he strolled to the coffee maker and began to make some coffees quietly "Arrrg, my head." James continued to make the coffee, grabbing mugs as the coffee brewed. "What happened last night?" James looked over at him “You decided to have one too many” he replied shrugging "Have you been here all night?" pouring the coffee into the mugs James placed the jug down and picking up the mugs he brought them over to Matt and handed him the black liquid “Drink up” he said simply, avoiding the question as he sat back down with his own coffee and regarded Matt. It wasn't that he was mad at Matt, but he wanted to confront the elephant in the room and make Matt face it.

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[Matthew Cole]

“You decided to have one too many”  

Oh, Just the one?

Apart from his splitting head, Matt felt incredibly sick with it. It felt more like he had decided to drink one bottle too many, not just one too many.

James handed him a coffee and took a seat.

“Drink up”

Matt almost grimaced as he saw the coffee in the mug, usually coffee was his regular pick me up at the start of his day, but this morning it seemed more like liquid evil that made him feel nauseous just smelling and seeing it, let alone drinking it.

Seeing as his coffee table was overturned Matt quickly set the mug on the floor and took a light breath, trying to settle his stomach.

He stood up, a move his body did not like.
He felt like death warmed up at best, and his head was beyond killing him, "Oh, no." He sighed quietly, shaking his head 'no' as if to say 'I'm not having this'. A move his head really did not like.

He picked the bottle up from the couch, unscrewed the lid and took one mouthful before he began to saunter over to the kitchen.
James of all people would know that a hangover is just withdrawals and taking a small drink helped take the edge of while you sobered up.

"Oh, never again." he groaned as he made his way to the kitchen, his back facing James.

Matt went to the fridge and opened it, closing his eyes and turning his head with a grimace as the light came on, oh so brightly.
He groaned lightly then opened his eyes, keeping them squinted as he looking inside the fridge and grabbed the pack of beer that had two bottles remaining in it.

He stepped over to the sink and put the beer on the counter next to it, "My father was right, this stuff is evil." He said still keeping his own voice low. Half thinking out loud as he poured what was left in the bottle down the sink.

He opened the two bottles of beer and tipped them out as well, before resting his hands on the sink, leaning forwards for a moment.
He just wanted to curl up and die, why anyone would get drunk out of their head a SECOND time was beyond him at that moment.

He straightened up and went back to the living room, sitting back down with James.
The air between them feeling a little awkward - for Matt at least.

He was feeling less than proud of his actions the night before, in fact he felt a level of shame over it and James had been putting out a tough or even mad vibe that only made him feel worse and filled him with even more shame and remorse.

Matt ran a hand back through his hair. He had never done this before and he really didn't know where he was supposed to go from here.

Tag: @james

[Deleted]

James Reagan

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At Matt’s grimace James shook his head, watching his friend’s motions with silent thought, as Matt stood James sat back regarding him, the hangover was punishment enough for the guy - he didn’t wanna go rubbing it in. "Oh, no." Watching Matt take a mouthful from the bottle on the couch he chided himself for not taking the bottle away, but he knew the need to take the edge off - he wondered what Matt was doing as he watched Matt move to the kitchen "Oh, never again." When Matt moved to the fridge and took the pack of beer out with just a couple left James watched curiously "My father was right, this stuff is evil." Realising what Matt was doing he smirked, especially when he poured the other two down, taking a sip of his coffee he remained where he was.

When Matt rejoined him James nodded towards the coffee on the floor “Drink” he said softly, his features a little softer than before - he never passed judgement on those who hit the bottle, ever - yes he wasn’t impressed but he never held it against them, it was only when they DECIDED to keep going then it would annoy James, Matt hadn’t - yet - but it was James’ responsibility, or rather he felt it was his responsibility to keep Matt away from falling down that hole “How you feeling?” he asked as he leaned forward and rested his elbows on his thighs, his hands clasped around the mug as he regarded Matt quietly.

At least due to the investigation Matt couldn’t go work for the time being, so it meant today he could focus on getting his head back on straight “And hey. don’t worry about last night” he added - trying to be reassuring, he knew how hard it was to have gone on a drinking spree in front of a recovering alcoholic and have them still sitting there when you woke up.

notes

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[Matthew Cole]

Matt leaned forwards as he ran his hand through his hair, his elbow resting on his knee and his eyes looking towards his feet.

“Drink”

Matt squint a little and frowned, still nauseated by the thought of coffee, "Maybe in a minute." He replied, his voice a little gravelly.

“How you feeling?”

Seriously?

Matt stared at James from the top of his eyes for a moment.

He straightened up slightly before speaking, "As bad as I did yesterday...only now I feel the sickest I've ever felt in my entire life."

“And hey. don’t worry about last night”

Matt looked at James appreciatively with tired looking eyes, his face a little ashen and peaky for obvious reasons, "Thanks, Man." He said softly.

James could have gone about the whole thing in so many different ways, and Matt was truly grateful he had chosen to act so altruistically.

He knew it couldn't have been easy watching someone drink like that when you were a recovering alcoholic. A thought that mad him feel yet even worse about his actions.

Oh, it would have been so easy for James to have punished him by banning pans and offering him runny eggs or the like.
The truth was that Matt knew he would -and had- done so to some of his other friends after they had partied too hard...But then the situation was a rather different in this case, and the fact that James had been more compassionate than that stood as testament to his character...as well as to what a good friend he was.

Matt sighed, "Drinking never solve anything, Man. All the problems are still there in the morning, only you end up with a hangover to go with it."

Words he meant, but ones he also knew that James would want to hear. Words to reassure that this was a one time slip up, and that he wasn't going to go down the road of drinking.

Matt looked at his furniture that was still out of place, he couldn't remember what had happened last night, or what words might have been exchanged, but he guessed by the looks of it that it probably wasn't that pretty to have seen.

"Look...I'm sorry, I I-uh really didn't plan to get so drunk..." He began. James had already said not to worry about it, but still.

He wasn't making any excuses by any means, he was just explaining a little, "I was just gonna take the edge off, you know? Then I guess I had one to many coz I'm really not used to drinking. After that I figured I'm already down the rabbit hole...Still it couldn't have been pretty for you."

Matt glanced away momentarily out of remorse and a little shame, before looking back at James with a touch of bravado, "So, did I do anything stupid last night?" He asked.
Meaning did he do anything stupid while he was drunk, making it obvious that he couldn't remember for himself.

"I didn't drunk messages anyone or anything like that did I?" He asked with the lightest of smiles, "...Or say something I might regret?" He frowned. Afraid that he might have possibly said some sharp words to James or something in his drunken haze.

Tag: @james